To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

That's what it feels like Buttery. That now we've got Ds, he's expecting me to do as I'm told and I should be thankful to him.
But when we found out about the baby, I was the one who was most unsure about going ahead with it. He couldn't reassure me enough that we were in it together, that I didn't have to worry about him pulling his weight or money. That of course I'd still have a social life and career, that he'd completely understood I was the one who's life would be impacted most but he'd do everything possible to make things equal.

Now Ds is here it's like he's completely changed. He's actually just been to ask me if I've washed his work stuff! His work stuff still in the bag he dumped at the bottom of the stairs so he could come wake me to shout at me. And he thinks while he was out getting drunk and ignoring me yesterday I might just have emptied his bag and washed his work stuff 😂. I'm actually laughing because I just can't believe him.

My jaw has hit the floor reading this.

Just because he’s the one leaving the house, please don’t think that means you have to even consider staying with this wankstain.

Hi OP

You were advised not to have your male friend over espcially after the comments he made early on in your relationship with DP, the fact that DP doesn't like him and that he asked you not to and that it bothered him so much that he changed his plans and came home early. You ignored that advice and are reaping the rewards of that.

The fact that you have started a new thread with little of that back story in to portray your partner in a very negative light further indicates how little you respect him. Most of the MNetters on here providing supportivr noises will just be judging on this thread alone.

He thought he had you trapped when you had the baby OP. That's why he was so pleased, and it's why he's now allowed the mask to slip and the controlling side of him to show. He's underestimated you.

@GirlOnIt well done. He was abusive. I don't understand the pp's who say you shouldn't have had the male friend to stay after initial argument, I read your previous thread, he's an arse.

I'm deffo judging from both threads.

I would be upset.

The thing that would get to me worst is the financial control and the expectations (like doing his washing etc.)

OP is not owned or employed by her DP. Yet he treats her that way.

As DP has voiced in the past it's about being a "team". But it really doesn't seem that way atm.

I really hope that this space gives you some thinking time OP.

Just a thought, as your DP has only become a dick since DS has been born, would you both be up for any sort of counselling to voice and discuss the issues together? And hopefully come back to working as a team.

I did mention I'd posted about my friend staying on this post Hop. So posters could have looks fir it hey felt it might change things. I've also mentioned on here that to me the reason he was upset is irrelevant, he shouldn't have behaved like that.

And on neither thread have I mentioned why I joined Mumsnet in the first place. My first thread was about my Dp being out all the time since Ds was born and being a bit of a dick in general. I'll admit that his previous behaviour probably made me dig my heels in over my friend staying a bit more. I have and still am taking advice on board and I do know I need to speak to him at some point, but right now I can't actually be around him.

It is amazing how a woman would be told by the hive that not allowing their dp to have friends of the opposite sex over for the night while they are away is a setting a 'healthy boundary' but reverse the genders and it is controlling behaviour.

This is a man who has had his boundaries trampled on by the OP who is completely unremorseful and had every motivation to make this guy out to be the absolutely the worst to feel justified in her position.

OP, I'd say that trickle truthing to get support on MN is wasting your time. I'd suggest having a long hard think about this relationship and actually whether you are prepared to compromise with your DP at all.

I think not wanting a male friend to stay over when he is working away is a reasonable request ( even if there is other female friend ) ....what are you - a teenager ? Sleepovers ? Jeez....

I think it might be a option Fl0w3r. I know we'll have to talk.
Right now though I need him to know I will absolutely not stand for the way he spoke to me and treated me yesterday. When I had a problem with him going out with his friends, I sat down and discussed it with him, Ds was upstairs asleep so we had time. I gave him opportunity to speak and listened to what he said. No shouting, no swearing, no name calling. You know like adults should!

I've had friends over to stay, as my DP has done. It's not a teenager's sleepover- I simply have no issue with him having a female friend stay the night when they have travelled for 4 hours for lunch/a night out and we have spare room.

OP even if your partner doesn't feel the same, ranting and raving in the middle of the night, posturing over finances and disappearing off is never the way to solve it. Whether you leave or work through, sounds like a proper chat about trust, finances and shared responsibility is needed.

It is amazing how a woman would be told by the hive that not allowing their dp to have friends of the opposite sex over for the night while they are away is a setting a 'healthy boundary' but reverse the genders and it is controlling behaviour.

I'm sure that if people were commenting on threads about a man who was breastfeeding a young baby, not into expressing and therefore finding it difficult to have a social life, opinions would be similar. Obviously it's not possible to make that comparison. The OP is lucky to have some friends who are really accommodating and are making the effort to come and spend time with her at home. Her partner, with his constant nights out, should be pleased about that and doing everything he can to facilitate it instead of being petty and jealous. Is OP really likely to be shagging her male friend when she's just had a baby and is breastfeeding all the time? He needs to grow up.

The only other thread I can find is all about how this bloke stays out all the time, pesters OP for sex and makes "jokey" references to baby weight. Not sure why reading another thread about him would put him in a better light

I'm not sure what you think I should compromise on Hop? I'd already said my friend won't be invited again, regardless of if Dp will be there or not. Although I think he's made sure neither of my friends will be visiting anytime soon anyway.

I won't compromise on the way he spoke to me, no. I won't compromise on him waking Ds by shouting, no. I won't compromise on him implying it's more his home than mine because I happen to be on maternity leave so not earning what he is right now, no.
Those things are acceptable to me.

Anyway, thank you all for the advice. I think I need to put it out of my mind for a little while until I've calmed down a bit.

Going to get wrapped up and brave the cold for a walk round the park with Ds. Think we could both do with some fresh air and a change of scene.

SB wind it in a bit yeah?! There is no need to be so rude!

I think he's made sure neither of my friends will be visiting anytime soon anyway
I think that's exactly the result he's after OP.
Be careful.

He's isolating you from the only trusted support networks you've got.
His 'issue' with your male friend is an excuse to be abusive, otherwise he would have spoken up well before.
To suddenly have this problem and be so stubborn about it when his own 'last minute' plans caused the issue is sus...and I think you and you friend are right to be suspicious about his 'last minute' work trip.

Now that you're not inviting you friends over again and have no other social life, he can act like he's sorry and promise never to do it again.
Knowing that the only way you'll know for sure is if you actually do something normal like having friends over.

He's behaving badly, when you're vulnerable... not a comfortable situation.

If he can't admit where he's in the wrong then I'd rethink the relationship.

The only thing I would say is that he should have said much earlier about being uncomfortable with your friend staying over.

SB you seem wildly overinvested and very angry about a situation between complete strangers. And also very mistaken over what "compromise" is. It is not, for example, OP doing whatever her partner demands of her, however unreasonable.

SB sounds like the DP. Or someone who's had way too much coffee gin. Either way, SB you don't have to agree, but you don't have to be so unpleasant.

And he thinks while he was out getting drunk and ignoring me yesterday I might just have emptied his bag and washed his work stuff

Incredible. He's popped you right in the 'domestic servant/appliance' box since you have had a baby hasn't he? As if by not earning you have demoted yourself from equal partner to unpaid employee.

I've read both threads.

I'd like to think a healthy relationship is one where friends can come and stay whatever their sex, and whoever is actually present in the house at the time. I wouldn't give it a second thought. It seems quite odd to me that it would be a problem.

An unhealthy one is personified in these threads.

I agree with the poster who said that, now you've decided it's not worth the hassle of having your friends to stay, your partner has got things exactly where he wants them. A woman dependent on him, with a small baby, and little in the way of a support network.

If I were him, I'd be more concerned about the female friend, because she's the one that's now trying to talk to the OP about his behaviour. She can see what most of us reading this thread can see. Please keep listening to her OP.

And please don't stop having friends to stay just to keep the peace with a jealous man.

Trust your own feelings, OP, ignore all the shit here about whether you were right or wrong to have friends in your own house and concentrate on how someone who is supposed to be your supportive partner while you nurture your new baby makes you feel. It shouldn't be humiliated, scared, coerced into sex and ignored.

You don't need a reason to break up. Your feelings are enough.

This sounds uncannily like my exh. He would shout at me & be verbally abusive & then extremely apologetic afterwards. I was left wondering “wtf just happened!?” Only started when I was pregnant. Would create little dramas to ruin my plans. Took me years to realise he was an emotionally abusive narcissist who only showed his colours when he thought I was “trapped” in the relationship.