To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

If we sort things out Tea. I'll be making a rule that neither of us have friends staying over, ever! They were friends from our group and Dp had text me to ask if it was ok. I was asleep though and didn't get it. I was annoyed but when they were being a bit loud and I said be quite they did and apologised. I mentioned it more to point out that until now we'd both been relaxed about friends staying over. It's not been a massive deal for either of us, so the next day I was a bit what were you thinking with Ds being so small and he admitted he wasn't really thinking, he was drunk and in his head they'd all come back all nice and quiet eat their pizza and go to sleep.
All three of them apologised the next morning for waking me and Ds.

I'm thinking if he sticks to what I've asked regarding contacting me this week. Then I'll go away at the weekend, but I'll drive me and Ds there in my car. That way I can leave if I want and there's two bedrooms so it's strictly on a separate bedrooms deal.

My DH suffered with make PND after the birth of our first child although we didn’t really recognise it at the time. He found the responsibilty of becoming a parent and the ‘provider’ almost overwhelming and we had some sticky moments that first year. We worked through it though and have been together very happily for a long time but it wasn’t always easy and sometimes things were said by both of us that didn’t help.

I would be looking at going back to work earlier than a year, even just part time. If it blows up you at least have an income.
I never had the ‘I pay for it’ thrown in my face.
When things were reversed however, I did struggle a bit when he was stay at home Dad. I did not say anything but I did resent some of his spending. I had to have a talk to myself.

Great minds Weenurse. I've just emailed my boss, to ask about going back early. He did say I could see about going back when my mat pay ends but just one or two days at first, kinda ease back into it. I'm thinking regardless of what happens I'm going to see if I can do one day to start with.
I'm going to be doing three long days when I'm back properly.

I'm thinking if he sticks to what I've asked regarding contacting me this week. Then I'll go away at the weekend, but I'll drive me and Ds there in my car. That way I can leave if I want and there's two bedrooms so it's strictly on a separate bedrooms deal

Originally that’s why I asked what the deal was with going away, what you have suggested was what I was going to suggest if it was near enough and had two rooms and you’d lose a lot of money cancelling.

But then I thought you’d be better to take a friend instead, and then he said to do that if you don’t want him to go. I still think you should do that. Test the waters and see how he reacts when you tell him that’s what you want to do for your birthday, not debate stuff while you decide whether you want him back or not. Invite your friend and re-do your planned weekend as much as you can.

It’ll give him time to realise YOU are a person in your own right, not just ‘his girlfriend’ and household skivvy. He needs to SEE you getting on with things not feel he’s reeling you back in.

I understand you though, you’re doing what I did, it’s just not what I think is best in hindsight. Too worried/impatient to give it time and just wanting to ‘fix it’ asap, it ends up with them thinking you’re a pushover and they’ll get forgiven, so no worries...IMO, but sometimes it just has to be our own mistakes we learn from 🌷

My friends from the weekend can't come, unfortunately! Don't want my other friends knowing as yet.
Plus I do feel bad he'd not get to see Ds all weekend.

Yesterday you were set, or at least well on the way, to a separation. Today you are planning a weekend break. Don’t you see that’s not a sign of a healthy relationship. Whatever the problems here, and you have no idea what they are, it won’t be solved by a trip and blanket ban on friends coming to your house after sundown.

OP a lot of what you describe sounds immature and dramatic. But have you ever tried to address all these behaviours which have now resulted in quite a nasty incident. The kind of thing you see on reality tv. A big blow up , muttering of stress/MH issues and a bit of an apology followed by a big gesture. It’s not a way to resolve problems and subtly condones abusive and controlling behaviour.

If you are willingly going on this trip with him you are obviously going to take him back. That’s your choice but in my opinion your priority should be sorting out whatever is wrong in the relationship and being honest with each other. Really honest because at this rate your relationship isn’t going to last.

Why do you feel bad? From the sounds of it he spends spare time he could be with his son out drinking instead. He's not exactly a stand up dad.

We discussed the going out Lemon and I thought it was resolved, he'd been great since. The friend issue literally came up on the Thursday, no mention of it before then.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm 50/50 on splitting up or trying to sort things out. I thought or maybe it's just because he suggested it, but that going away would give us opportunity to talk without seeing the jobs that need doing in the house and spend some time as a family. I really don't know!
A few posters have mentioned going through similar with new babies and Ds wasn't planned. I guess I'm hoping that it's just us finding our way and that the guy I've been with for four years is the real him and he's just struggling right now. I don't know how to sort it out, I know I'm being honest with him but I'm not sure I can trust he is with me.

Do not be pushed into splitting up from what pp on here are saying.

I see you are assertive and speak your mind, which is great. Your DP knows you aren't a pushover either.

I'm not saying you should compare your relationship to the worst ones, but your OH us a very hands on dad.

Admittedly he messed up by going out a lot and I totally understand how his shouting when he knew your friends were there really upset you. I'd feel the same way too.

Relationships are not always plain sailing. Babies bring on a lot of stress and everyone shows their stress differently. A pp mentioned thats not how you show stress... well actually nobody else gets to dictate how your stress manifests itself.

I think whilst your male friend didn't say anything... the damage between him and your OH has already been done years ago. Your friend could bring the moon down and your DP wouldn't be impressed... and I totally get that based on their history.

It's clear your OH doesn't want to lose you. I don't see that he's abusive...the word is thrown around way too much...just like gaslighting...when you've simply got a liar/deceitful person on your hands.

Friend then said something like "she needs it to be believable though" implying men wouldn't think I was really going out with Dp but would my friend.

If any woman on here would like their DH/DPs female friend who said the above, well you're a better person than me...and whether it was 1 year or 10 years ago doesn't make a difference to me.

I wondered if for your DP the reality of parenthood has been a nasty shock, the fact that he would have 2 other people to consider hadn't crossed his mind when you got pregnant, that he wouldn't be number one in your life anymore, that it would impact quite so much on his social life etc.

He really needs to grow up, he wanted to have his son and he can't pick and choose what that means now he is here. He may resent that your not currently working and have thought that meant it would have far less of an impact on him than it does.

I do hope he's just been an idiot rather than this being him with misogynistic views and becoming emotionally abusive.

he seems like a big bully from here. look at this. and take some time to think about things. best to you xxx www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I'm sorry Sandy and I'm not meaning to rude or ungrateful, you've given some good advice. But what has this really got to do with how my partner behaved
Friend then said something like "she needs it to be believable though" implying men wouldn't think I was really going out with Dp but would my friend.

If any woman on here would like their DH/DPs female friend who said the above, well you're a better person than me...and whether it was 1 year or 10 years ago doesn't make a difference to me.

I mentioned that happening on the other thread because I was asked a few times and didn't want to come across as hiding something. But my partner has had 4 years to tell me if that comment caused problems for him in regards to my ongoing friendship. He repeatedly said he had no problem with my friendship.
Not liking my friends doesn't excuse the way he spoke to me. My friends might not be keen on him but they haven't had a go at me about it.

I really don't know Random. I think that's something we've got to try figure out though.

I have downloaded the book as someone else mentioned the FP Awful. I don't really think so though, a few things he's done recently fit with it but the rest of his personality and behaviour don't.

If only our relationships were perfect, how easy life would be! But they're not. It is easier to split, than to work at problems, but that is what I think you should do. Have a long talk with each other. Find out how he really feels about fatherhood, lay down some relationship boundaries, tell him how you feel, and learn by it. Counselling is very helpful and worth investing in. My h and I were screaming at each other and talking divorce three years ago after we retired. Counselling was v v helpful in bringing feelings out. We are still together and found a way forward together. You could too, with new boundaries.

So girlonit, youre happy to not show him respect but demand it in return? You need to apologise to him too for minimising how he felt. I would go batshit before an oh ignored my wishes for a female friend who joked she as better match for my oh than me stayed round. After i said i wasnt happy with it. But lets just focus on how he reacted to you not giving a shit, yeah? Got off your high horse.

He has absolutely no ability to hold his temper to do that in front of your friend, how embarrassing! If he can act like that over such a menial issue and in company what is he capable of if you ever do something bad (as we all do now and then) and you're alone. Leave him - what a prick.

So girlonit, youre happy to not show him respect but demand it in return? You need to apologise to him too for minimising how he felt. I would go batshit before an oh ignored my wishes for a female friend who joked she as better match for my oh than me stayed round. After i said i wasnt happy with it. But lets just focus on how he reacted to you not giving a shit, yeah? Got off your high horse.

Not show him respect dontdoubtyourself. He told me the day before he wasn't happy about it. So he can change his mind and I've to suddenly change my plans? I've said repeatedly now I know I wouldn't invite my friend again but no I wasn't willing to change plans so last minute. If that was such a big deal for my partner he could have come home and sat down and discussed it with me. I had issues with him going out with his friends and I didn't shout at him waking the baby, didn't call him a slag or a bitch, didn't then go out the next day ignoring his calls and messages, didn't throw at him that I paid a larger deposit on our house purchase or that I'm the only one providing nourishment to his child.
So no I won't be apologising to him.

And to clarify the situation with my friend. I dealt with it at the time, I didn't hear it but Dp and friend got into a argument which I broke up. Dp told me what he'd said and I told my friend he was out of order. We spoke the next day, Dp admitted he'd been a arse to my friend through out the night, friend apologised to Dp. No mention of it again in four years and no mention of it when he said he didn't want him staying. I stupidly mentioned it on my other post and posters took that as his reason for him not wanting him to stay
Dp didn't really give a good reason for not wanting him to stay and still hasn't. Just he thought it looked bad to others and that I shouldn't want another man staying in our home.

He didnt change his mind, you said he had to work so circumstances changed.

Believe it or not but i get it. I had a male friend at the start of my relationship who on first meeting my oh constantly got my oh name wrong. Its a pissing contest. Down the line, guess where my loyalties lie? Not where yours do.

OP I think if your friend went on a mission to Mars tomorrow it wouldn’t make any difference to the situation with your DP. It is about something else he is feeling or experiencing.

Raking over what you could have done better isn’t going to change what happened. Your DP lost control. You don’t know why and you don’t know if it will happen again. That’s why you asked him to leave.

All that last week tells you is that you didn’t get to the bottom of it on Thursday. You still haven’t. He tried to normalise then and he is doing it again. Please stop communicating with him until you know what you want. Forget about the trip and even more so bloody Valentine’s Day. You don’t need gestures you need honesty.

Stress at work and money concerns are a facet of most people’s lives. They aren’t going to go away so he needs to address this. But really I think there is more to this than that. There is anger and resentment and it’s directed at you. The friend was just an excuse to let it surface.

Dp didn't really give a good reason for not wanting him to stay and still hasn't remember this when he disregards your feelings on a topic as he doesnt feel your reasoning is good enough. As Ive mentioned before, what it is about is a red herring. You decided his feelings dont count. So when he next decides your feelings don't count when you ask him not do something, dont be surprised when he follows your lead.

I agree with Lemon.