To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

^^ most the above is copied from a PP, sorry. Just re-saying it as it is spot on!

Your Dp is abusive. Coercive control.

I think you've really got to pay attention to the things he said and him still expecting you to have sorted his washing.

I think behaviour like this most often only gets worse with time. I'm not sure I would want my child to grow up in this environment.

OP you are absolutely right to have identified his behaviour as unacceptable and chuck him out.

To my eternal shame when something very similar happened to me with our first DC I did nothing except make excuses for him being tired and try to be a better wife. Fast forward 22 years and I finally realised that my now exH was abusive in every way, emotionally, financially and on occasion physically. Cognitive dissonance is a real thing and until I had therapy I had blocked most of the abuse from my mind, but had given myself an eating disorder to cram down all those feelings with nowhere to go.

Looking back with 20:20 hindsight he was always negging me right from the start, but as I had never come across anything like that before and was only 20 at the time I just thought "strange" and carried on. It was after DC1 was borne that the abuse really ramped up because he knew he had me trapped.

He used to rant on and on at me like your DP until I was absolutely hysterical.Of course, the worst times coincided with him having a new OW (of many) in his life, I later discovered. Comments about how he earned more money and should therefore be waited on were also par for the course.

I'm a professional, supposedly intelligent woman but I let him abuse me for over 20 years. I wish I had been clear and decisive like you. Thank your mum because she has done you a huge favour in the way she brought you up.

I'm struggling to think of it as abusive and I know, I know that's what most women think at the start.
But it's only that one argument. Yes he's been a dick with the other stuff but not abusive. He phoned earlier to ask how Ds was and was again very apologetic. He said he's not excusing his behaviour but he's been so stressed about money, he was annoyed about work and tired and he took it out on me.
He said he'll apologise to my friends and I can take them away if I want instead of him.

It's so hard because I've no way of knowing if he's telling the truth. Of knowing if he really thinks those things or if he was just being hurtful.
We aren't skint though, I've got full access to the accounts and we've a fair bit in savings. Still a few things to do in the house nothing major or urgent though and it's worth more than we paid now and we have a reasonably small mortgage for the house we have. So I'm not sure what he's been stressed about as such.

It can be difficult in any relationship with a small one forboth new parents. Adjusting to a new demographic is not easy. Give him a chance.

Any excuse is being snatched out of the air and pushed in front of you to see if you'll accept one. If you do accept one, that'll be what he says every time he wants to have a dog and get away with it.

If you took a friend instead of him you'll pay for it sooner or later.

There was no MN when I was a young wife. I wonder how different my life would have been if I'd had the advice you've been given here. I know my eldest son wouldn't have taken so long to find his confidence because if the way his dad acted around us while we were together.

It's more than just you involved in this. Please listen to those of us who have come through the other side.

He hasn’t. It’s an excuse. There will always be an excuse.

I think ‘abuse’ is a loaded word and in situations like yours, an unhelpful one. It feels ‘too big’ for the situation, then you think ‘he’s not abusive’ and it makes you think ‘it’s not THAT bad’.

Just think of it as awful or nasty behaviour. Don’t try to work out where it fits on the ‘abuse’ scale.

It really doesn’t matter that this specific thing was ‘once’ (or more likely once SO FAR), look at how he has been since DS was born until he started shouting at you. Is THAT how you want to live for the next 60 years?!

You’re not skint, you’ve got savings, yet he’s asking you if you needed to buy a coat. Not a diamond tiara, a coat

I didn’t want to bring this up (yet) because I know what you’re going to say, but you need to consider that he may have an OW. He’s showing several signs of it being a possibility and explains the worry about money, ‘long hours’, out a lot with ‘friends, suddenly having to ‘work’ not trusting you etc. I don’t think it needs to be your main focus, though I’m sure if you found one you’d (rightly) tell him to stay at his mother’s, because whether he has or not, there’s already plenty to think about whether you want him back or not.

Give him their phone numbers, let him decide whether to apologise to your friends or not, but if he does then offer no more thank acknowledgement he’s spoken. No great or thanks or anything. He’s looking for ‘brownie points’ don’t give them.

Look, I’ve been there where they’re treating you badly, but you love and want it to be ok. Other people dissing them just makes you upset or angry and because you love them, you defend them. It’s natural, but ultimately unhelpful.

As I said earlier, I think he’s actually now shown you who he is, since DS’s birth and I think he will get worse, not better.

I fear you’re going to let him come back home 😔 but my biggest worry for you is that you become the frog in the pot.

The I'll do as i please babe' is a direct dig at op doing as she pleases by ignoring his request for male friend to stay over. If you dont care for my feelings i don't care for yours. How do you like them apples.. Ya dont.
Sometimes in relationships its not what something is about but how we feel about something that is important.for examples sake You may not like it when he leaves his shoes on in the house. Others might say who gives a fuck but to you, its important. It really upsets you. What if he decided thats unimportant and minimises your feelings and does it anyway? A million other peoples opinons on whether its right or wrong to wear shoes inside is irrelevant! Its your thoughts on the matter. People are not always rational with their emotions but that does not make them abusers.

It is not just the argument. It is his behaviour before hand which made you doubt yourself and post.

But as I said. Have a look at FP.

I remember your thread about your male friend and the comments he's made to your OH. To be honest... I don't think that friend respects your relationship. You can't see it...but if my H was still friends with a woman who made those comments about me.... I would wonder where his loyalties lay.

Even if I was going to be in the house...I wouldn't want a woman who behaved as your friend did staying in my home.

Him shouting when your friends where there was wrong. There was no need for that.

I do applaud you on standing firm and not accepting that behaviour... but as an impartial observer... you say he's a good man and this is not his normal behaviour... so please don't let your friends influence you... I don't think either of them like your OH.

You mentioned your mum not being keen on him because of a previous incident... perhaps he isn't such a great guy... mums are often very intuitive on these things.

I'm also with you on him expecting his work clothes to be washed. I like your attitude of no nonsense on this as I don't believe being a SAHM makes you the laundry woman.

His comment about paying the mortgage wasn't good either.

I think your actions have shown you won't tolerate rubbish...but I honestly don't think your friends like him.

He was out of order to tell your friend to f off and he needs to apologise to her for that.

I'm with you on a most things... but I'm with him regarding your male friend.

I have to say I'm suprised any woman would want a female friend of their OH around...who inferred it was more believable she was with their DH... rather than you...because you weren't good enough.

OP you also said your male friend was the type to tease or laugh at your DH about him sleeping over in your house. That is not a good friend.

The only reason he’s sorry is because you haven’t put up with it and asked him to leave.

If you had just carried on as normal he would never have even considered apologising. I.e. he wouldn’t have seen anything wrong with his behaviour.

But because it inconveniences him? Of course he’s now sorry.

Op, how long have you been together?

You are sounding so strong and that is to be applauded.
What struck me was the feelings you had when he was angry, you felt he hated you and you felt scared of him. This is important as women often have a visceral instinct that should never be ignored.

Stress does not cause these types of outbursts.. His attitude, ego and sense of entitlement however does.

Bringing home drunken friends when there was a newborn in the house is just so alien to most decent men..he gave himself permission to do this and in his own mind justified it.

Has there been any changes in his life? Does he have new friends, new workplace, been promoted?

Weak men often use a new baby or perceived power shift to start throwing their weight around. If they can't compete outside the home they are determined to dominate at home.

Don't go away for the weekend with him. He will believe you have been bought off.

Absolutely astonished that anyone thinks this man’s beviour is remotely acceptable. Listen to yourselves.

If you're on mn you'll know how often men do change after pregnancy and birth. He sounds like he's been an absolute dick and there's no way you should be putting up with that. I can't believe the posters on here suggesting it's your fault for having a friend over.

I would interrogate what he meant by being embarrassed that you had a male friend staying over. Embarrassing for who? Who actually is he trying to impress here with this macho rubbish. As PP have asked - are there new influencers in his life? Who are the other fellas that turned up at yours when they knew there was a newborn in the home? Do they have kids? Either way, they don't sound like good friends at all. So whilst you are saying that you won't have your friends over to stay any more - what's he saying about his friends?

Thank you fir the support and advice I am reading and trying to take things in. Very unsure what I'm actually going to do yet. Haven't slept well at all.

I did ask him to not phone or message after the last time and to give me proper space and so far he's listened to that. He's coming to see Ds tonight and Wednesday and I've still to decide about the weekend.

He has messaged my friends an apology. My female friend what reads as quite a genuine one my male friends quite a bog standard sorry. That fits with what they are like though and he didn't actually speak to him when he was here.

To the person who asked, we've been together 4 years and I knew him over a year before that as friends.
We share a lot of mutual friends, my old school friends are separate to that group.

I really don't think there's OW. I know I can't know for certain and if there was he'd be gone (and he knows that). I know he's genuinely been working I file his wage slips and see him do his time sheets. He gets paid for his overtime so I'd know if that was a lie. I have access to all his money too, so I'd see any going out that was suspicious and no secrecy with his phone or anything.

He did come to apologise Sunday morning before I said anything. I think if he'd apologised the Saturday morning after shouting I'd have understood that more, the fact he went out and was still a dick is making me think he isn't really sorry. If it was stress, tiredness and he just lost it for a moment surely the next morning he'd be straight away 'wtf, I've been a massive dickhead and I'm sorry'.
He's saying he was embarrassed though and didn't know how to make it right and then he started drinking and was knocking them back.

None of this is your fault. Nothing you have or haven't done justifies this outburst. I really think you should tell your mum what he's done. He can bear the consequences of that.

My male friend has remained completely neutral over this Sandy. I know on my other thread a lot of people said he was a stirrer and my Dp has reason to be annoyed. But over this matter he hasn't said anything. He text to ask if I was ok and that's it, no advice on what I should do. My female friend said she spoke on both their behalf when she said they were there for me regardless and she said he thought it best him not message me so as not to cause further problems and that he feels terrible he's contributed to the situation. He replied politely to Dp's apology too and that's from that Dp has told me.

They wind each other up I know that. But as I said on that thread my partner does it to him too. But neither of my friends would want to cause problems in my relationship.

No new friends or influences no. He's not normally a macho trying to impress the lads type.
A few of his mates are and they can tease him a little, but he's never been bothered by that.

How sad that your friend now feels terrible. Your dp didn't even speak to him so how can it be in any way his fault? Your dp is trying to cut you off from your friends.

Well my friend heard him shouting about him staying. I'd not told him Dp had a problem with it so he was staying thinking it was ok.
I'd told my female friend when I asked her to stay, so she filled him in and now he feels bad because if he'd known he wouldn't have stayed in the first place.

But in the real world, having a friend to stay in your spare room is actually fine. Your dp is allowed to bring friends back regardless of what you think of it.

Basically my point is, your dp has kicked off so next time you won't have them to stay or won't ask them to come over. This is what he wanted. He's training you through fear of his reaction.