To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

He's not depressed he's just being a dickhead.

No he's never suspected me of cheating and I don't think it's that rain. He's been ok with male friend staying before and never acted like that. If I was going to cheat the least likely time is with our three month old ebf baby with me, isn't it?

Sorry but there's no way my husband would be having friends to stay over and certainly no way would they be female without me home!! I'm not crazy I just don't think it's normal so I completely see where he was coming from. Maybe he handled it wrong by ranting at you but he felt you hadnt listened to him or respected how he felt. That's not abusive!! I don't think many people would be happy with the situation, I know not one of my friends that would be.
I think you're over reacting to want to break up over this I think you need to try and see it from his side. He's told you he doesn't feel comfortable with you having a male friend sleep over when he's not there and you went ahead regardless. That's pretty selfish in my opinion.

SB you think its not normal for people to have friends of the opposite sex?! You sound jealous and controlling, just like OP's husband.

Not ones that sleep over no. That's ok if you think that makes me jealous and controlling. All the people I know must be too

I don't actually care what he felt or didn't right now SB. If he had such a big problem with my friend he's had plenty of opportunity to discuss that with me before these events.

Like my friend pointed out, it's funny that he really had to go away the night my friend was staying. The one night that would interrupt my plans. Funny all the weekend plans he's made since Ds haven't been interrupted in anyway. Funny how him bringing two drunk mates back when Ds is only 4 weeks old was ok. Because of course I wanted three pissed men in house when I'm up and down breastfeeding a tiny baby.

He's been a dick since Ds arrived. I don't know if it's just that he thinks I'll put up with it now and this is really who he is. Or there's something else going on. But honestly right now, I don't give a fuck. Either he packs some stuff today and goes or I do, buy if it's me I sure as hell won't be coming back.

You are quite right OP. I personally don't see a problem with having friends of the opposite sex over and honestly I'm always very suspicious of jealous / paranoid people as they tend to be judging others by their own standards and are therefore often unfaithful themselves. That aside, however, the way he dealt with it is absolutely out of order. How dare he treat you that way? I would definitely take the baby and go to your mum's if he doesn't leave. I'm not saying ltb completely but it sounds as though you need space and hopefully your mum to offer a sympathetic ear. I would really struggle to get over the way he spoke to you and throwing your mat leave in your face. I'd be livid if I were you.

It sounds as if you definitely need a few days apart to let the dust settle and to see where to go after that.

The thing with the friend and I've been thinking this since we first discussed it. He says now he's never really liked it. But I remember sitting down with him and talking about it, this was back before we lived together and my friend was staying at my parents. He was fine about it, said he trusted me no concerns at all. Same when I went to stay at said friends house.
So did he lie then? Because I wouldn't have carried on a relationship with someone who I didn't feel trusted me. Or it's just what other people think and the fact he sees it as 'his' house. Neither excuse his behaviour at all and neither give me a good opinion of him.

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of people have friendships with members of the oppositive sex, both of you were squaring up for a confrontation. In reality the friend is a peripheral matter. Although your friend is a bit of a stirrer imo.

There are problems in your relationship and, whilst I would have no problem with the arrangements you made, I think you should have cancelled or deferred. At this stage you need to sort out your relationship problems even if that is to end it. Neither of you are both communicating or facing up to that. He did this by making an issue of the friend and you did it by pushing ahead with the arrangements.

Yes, one of you should leave at least until tempers abate. But as you are not married it might have implications for you financially. Suggest you consider these and then decide what works best for you. Don’t give him an easy option to walk away because you are “raging”, which might be what he wanted in the first place.

The problem isn't that you had friends over, or that your DP was tired. The problem is that he was abusive to you, and is continuing to be abusive by refusing to give you the space you need to process what happened.

No one deserves to be shouted at or sworn at or called names, no matter what they do. And you did nothing. Your DP is the one at fault here.

And it's typical of an abusive partner to begin the abuse once a baby is on the way, or has just arrived. He thinks you're trapped with him and that he can now do whatever he wants. He is wrong. You can get yourself free of his abuse. Just be careful. Get advice.

Sounds like a horrible situation, sorry you're going through this.

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour since DS was born?
It sounds like he's really struggling to adjust to parenthood, now that's not an excuse to scream at someone at all; but inwodner if there's other things at play here.

Good luck x

*I wonder

Cancelling would have meant cancelling the day before Lemon. And yes maybe I was being stubborn with it, but me and my friends meeting was for a special (not particularly happy special) occasion. Dp knows all about this. Not to mention I was looking forward to my friend staying over. The original plans had Dp going out anyway so probably getting in the same time he ended up getting when he drove back from work. Yes I get he didn't want to do that, but he was ok with me spending the whole evening in our house alone with my friend from the start.
I'd already said seen as it was obviously such a issues for him I wouldn't invite my friend again.

He's going to his parents though. He was asking to stay in the spare room so he didn't have to tell his parents what he's done. So I phoned his mum and told her. She said he's to get his arse there or she'll send his dad for him.

I know that makes me sound about 5 telling his mum on him. But it's either that or tell mine and I don't fancy his chances if I tell her.

I know to some people it doesn't seem so bad. But the fact he kept going when he must have seen that I was scared and in shock and while our son cried. I'm really not sure I can forgive that, no matter what excuses he comes up with.
I've never in my 24 years been spoken to like that by anyone.

Is he packing yet? You both need some space to think.

Yes he's packing. He asked how much stuff he should take and I said take enough for the week. We're supposed to be going away for my birthday next weekend and he asked about that. I just said I think he's best cancelling it.

Maybe he handled it wrong by ranting at you but he felt you hadnt listened to him or respected how he felt. That's not abusive!!

It's not the "reason" (read: excuse) for a particular behaviour that makes it abusive or not. It's the actual behaviour itself. What this man was feeling or not feeling has no bearing on whether his behaviour was abusive. What the OP has described - a prolonged and agressive verbal attack during which she was frozen and visibly scared, and which left their baby crying - IS abusive.

And he asked about seeing Ds. Which of course he's going to have to do. I'm not sure how or where just yet. Said I'll text him and sort it out. Right now I really don't want him in the house while I think about things.

I am not saying it was wrong to have friends over. I think you have and had problems in your relationship that took priority over the lunch with friends. The fact that your DP has never made an issue before tells you that. He doesn’t like your friend and made an issue of it because he was spoiling for a fight. In your position I would have cancelled and dealt with DP because no good was going to come out of the confrontation that ensued from going ahead with your plans.

Given that you posted during the week you also had time to have it out with him as well. This is not me saying your should have accepted his stance but you should have addressed it directly along with the other problems you are experiencing.

If your friends matter more, then the relationship is over for you. You have children so sort stuff up as adults. Rage and acrimony won’t help. In reality it means you will split for the wrong reasons or it will burn out and you will stay together without dealing with things.

However tired or upset he might be at any given time, the things he's said - about how he paysthe mortgage, he paid for the bed - show an unpleasant underlying attitude that he's the Big Man with the Job, and you're just the little woman with the baby who should learn to do as she's told.

I remember you posting concerning the coming visit on another thread and voicing your concerns. Sorry it has turned out like this, how embarrassing for you for your friends to have heard that outburst and humiliating for you to have suffered. Is there a way forward or has he shown his true colours? I really do not know.

He text me from work on the Thursday to say he was having to go away Friday. When he got home on the Thursday he said about not wanting my friend to stay. My friend who was arriving Friday lunch time and supposed to be staying Friday and Saturday.

We spoke Thursday to no real resolution as he wasn't actually giving me reasons other than he didn't like it. I said at the time and repeated after I felt it was too short notice to say he couldn't stay but in the future I wouldn't invite him again. He said repeatedly that it wasn't a case of not trusting me, that he had no worries about anything happening with my friend.
I thought he was maybe being a bit arsey because he's not that keen on my friend and he was having to go away and miss his night out. But honestly didn't think those reasons were enough to change my plans. I expected him to be in a mood but honestly he usually is if he's had to work away anyway. Didn't expect to be woken and shouted at in my bed in the early hours of the morning.

Sorry that was in reply to Lemon.

Well done for dealing with his behaviour so decisively. It sounds like you are seeing him in a new light and re-evaluating your relationship? I think his true colours are showing now he thinks you are vulnerable and dependent on him.

lemon how on Earth was the op squaring for a confrontation?!