To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

He's 29 for those asking so a bit older than me.

Do you think I should let him talk then @IncrediblySadToo? He's saying he wants to explain but I've asked for some space to think, so other than a brief chat we haven't spoke about what happened. He's seeing Ds tonight, maybe I need to listen to what he's got to say and see if I think he's being honest about it.

He did message today to say he wanted me to know that a few hundred pounds was going out of the account, something or other for his car. But he wanted me to know so I didn't think he was just taking large amounts of money out.
I'm not sure if it was genuine not wanting me to worry he was stashing money or a dig at the fact that his money the joint account paid for lunch for all three of us yesterday and for completely essential new clothes for Ds and completely non essential new clothes for me!

Re the money, it could be either. If he’s paid a parts/garage type place probably the latter, if he’s withdrawn cash possibly the former. I wouldn’t give it too much head space.

If he instigates it and you’re happy to hear what he has to say, then let him talk. But don’t be drawn into the ‘blah blah BUT’ conversation. If he starts saying ...but you did/said... just remind him that this is about HIS behaviour and HE wanted to explain. You didn’t do anything wrong, but even if you had, the issue NOW is how HE handled the situation, NOT how the situation came about. Does that make sense?

Jon I disagree. HE needs to take responsibility for the way HE dealt with the situation and his disgraceful attitude about doing what the fuck he pleases because the little woman isn’t paying the mortgage. Neither of the issues at hand are relationship issues, they’re behavioural issues HE needs to deal with. Suggesting relationship counselling is akin to blaming the OP and relationship counselling is not recommended in these situations. It doesn’t matter, at all, what caused his problem with the situation, the issue at hand is how HE dealt with it. In the exact same way it would be if he had hit her.

Has he ever thrown the money thing in your face before OP? Or was he just over-emphasising that he can't be kicked out of a home he pays for/has legal rights to? Look at his larger pattern of behaviour, the fact you think him mentioning the car money might be a dig rather than a heads up doesn't bode well.

If you feel you need head space, then you need head space.

Does he want to explain or excuse?
What is his mum like? Ultimately, she would fall on his side, I think, but meanwhile is she the type who will guide him the right way, tell him to behave like a proper father, be appalled at the attitude his temper has revealed toward you?

What he does about this separation will tell you whether he is a good man who made a mistake, or not.

If you are uncertain, check with your mum and gran they sound pretty level and know you best.

Sorry if this ends up long and a bit garbled. We spoke after Dd went down and I said, what’s really been going on.
Firstly he said he knew none of this was my fault and he’s really disgusted with himself over his behaviour. But he’s been feeling like this for ages and he’s been trying to tell himself to snap out of it and all that but it’s not worked.
He said he imagined when we had Ds, we’d be this perfect little threesome. He’d killed himself getting the house ready in time and he thought everything would be good, we’d be a happy little family. He said he imagined me needing him, but he says not in a negative way (this bit got confusing and I can’t remember everything he said). He said in reality he’s felt like me and Ds have this amazing bond, that he doesn’t cry for me and I always know what’s wrong etc. That he’s felt like he’s not needed and everyone says how great I’m doing and it’s like he doesn’t matter.
He admitted he’s felt jealous about that and also about how much of my time is taken up with Ds, but he knows that’s ridiculous and of course a tiny breast fed baby wants his mum and of course I need to give Ds my attention.
He says he feels like the only thing he’s good for is earning money but he gets no thanks for that, that he knows I want a year off and he wants me to have that without us giving anything up. But he also said I’ve never acknowledged he’d like some time off with Ds, he has mentioned this but I thought in a jokey when my turn type thing (this is the only point I feel there was some blame on me).
The friend issue he said I’ve been so excited about him visiting and he gets that and he’s fine with us being friends no concerns. But he’s been planning us a weekend away and I showed no interest in it/him. He admits this was jealously also, that he wanted to feel more important than my friend. Then a friend who he mentioned it to, was having a dig/joke about my friend staying and he had to work and he felt like everyone would be laughing at him. He said he feels stupid but he kept thinking it and convincing himself that I should choose him and it became a huge thing. He feels stupid and the way he behaved was disgusting. He had no defence for that, only said he hadn’t planned to even argue with me and that he didn’t mean anything he said and doesn’t feel that way.

I think that’s it. I’m not really sure what to think.

He said he gets it if I can’t forgive him but he hopes I can. He’ll stay away as long as I like and if I don’t want him back the house is mine and Ds, he’d never expect us to leave.

Incredibly sad it certainly isn't victim blaming. There are lots of reasons op's partner behaved the way he did. And counselling is one way to establish whether there are issues in the relationship that are not being addressed. Clearly there are or this couple would not be separated, irrespective of fault it is a way forward. It's much more popular to dump them and move on to a new one in a few years, but that in my view is not beneficial to anyone, because the chances are the same issues will arise for one party in the next relationship. If this couple have love for each other . . . isn't it worth trying?

He feels excluded and that is not uncommon when a new baby comes along. Your focus obviously is your child and not just him anymore. He sounds a good bloke to me who has been struggling with the new demographic. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide.

I am not defending him OP and didn't like his carry on especially around your male friend but I do see his point to an extent.

I do think he deserves a second chance. You probably do need counselling of some sort to talk it through. I don't think it is worth throwing a whole marriage and child away without making some effort - the two of you.

Also you should definitely encourage your friends to visit again asap. Best of luck op

He sounds genuine enough. It's a common enough problem.

Counselling sounds like it could help you as a couple. If the counsellor is any good, they'll examine his reaction closely and he'll learn a better way of expressing his frustrations.

Good luck.

I feel like he's genuine he seemed so, not overly upset or angry or anything. Honestly he looked relieved that he was telling me.

I feel bad, that he could be feeling like he has and not said anything to me about it. Especially when we've already talked about him being out a lot. And bad that I haven't realised too.

A part of me wants to phone him to come home. I miss him and I'm feeling emotional right now. Another part thinks, but he was still a dick (reasons aside). I need him to know that behaviours not acceptable.

It's not your responsibility he didn't tell you!

It does seem that your communication needs improvement and couples therapy can certainly help with that.

He certainly seems to have quite a lot of insight into why he's been behaving the way he has which is a really good start.

It's good that he's explained himself and that he has insight into what happened. However, he's still responsible for telling you things before it reaches that point. It's definitely worth another chance with counselling if that's what you want but I wouldn't rush into having him back home straight away. I was with someone who sounded very similar for s few years (no kids) and things like that kept happening because once he had an explanation he thought it would be fine, rather than stopping it before it happened

Another part thinks, but he was still a dick (reasons aside). I need him to know that behaviours not acceptable

I think he's acknowledged that in your conversation with him. Maybe have a chat about what you can both do differently to address the reasons he gave? And also discuss what will happen if something like this ever happens again so he knows the consequences?

You have said it isn't acceptable and that's good he knows you are willing to stop this. However I'm ever the romantic I would advise you to try again. He explained things that a lot of people would hide he's jealous he loves you he is willing to try you have to decide do you want to. Open up more maybe have an evening out one night if you can with him as well as being a mother you are also a partner and you both need to learn the balance. I hope you two can fix this as I believe if you both communicate it can work. However if he seems to slip back you will need to make a choice. Good luck

I've felt things have been wrong since Ds and not just in relation to the big problems we've had. I'm hoping this is it and we can sort things but I don't doubt if he behaves like that again it's over.

Anyway, I've said we can go away together tomorrow and he can move back in. He's suggested we use this weekend to try get Ds to take a bottle of expressed milk and then he's happy with that and when I'm ready to leave him, I can go visit my friend where he lives and make up for our spoilt weekend. Not sure I'll be ready to leave Ds for a while but I'm very ready for a proper night out so hoping he'll be ok with a bottle.

I now owe my mum a weekend away though.
I think some time the three of us will be a good thing though and he had put a lot of thought into arranging it.

So you have to express milk, rather than continuing to ebf ( do you actually want to do that?) and you have to go and visit your friend AT HIS HOUSE, at some point in the future, to make up for the spoiled (by your DH) visit from your friend IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.
Is this what you want to happen?

I don’t see the negative in that at all worried I think you’re trying to find problems where there isn’t any.

I’d have loved for my EBF to take a bottle so I could nip out or go for a bath, but alas she didn’t want to, I would’ve also loved it so my DH could’ve had some closeness and bonding time with our DD - and I think this is also very important, especially when the OPs DP has expressed what he has.

I’m regards to going to her friends, I think that’s a great idea, a full weekend off and away with your friends - why wouldn’t you be happy?! I hope everything works out for you OP, it does sound like you both want to make small changes to make yourselves happier which is great.

I'd like Ds to take a bottle (occasionally) worried. We've been trying but he's a bit reluctant. If reluctant means acting like we're trying to poison him, even though we keep telling him it's the same milk

And my Dp knows I love a visit to my friends city so I think that was a genuine trying to make amends.

OK, in that case I'm happy you and DH have come to a mutually agreed position :)

Good luck, lovely. Have a good weekend!

I think you're both handling this really well. The time apart has given you both chance to work out how you're feeling a bit removed from the emotion of it all. I think he's done well to articulate how he feels and from the way you speak there seems to be genuine feelings between you both.

I think him saying you should visit your friend is him trying to articulate show he's comfortable with it, not worried about your intentions and that above all he's demonstrating that if people find out his DW is staying at another man's house he doesn't care what they think as he trusts you and knows your relationship. Time to hopefully build a stronger relationship from this experience IMO. Wishing you both well.

Thank you.
I'm going to try just enjoy our weekend and see where we go. I think I'm only really going to know by giving things a go and seeing if his actions meet his words.