Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

188 replies

Kenny33 · 28/01/2019 17:04

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/01/2019 17:08

I feel a bit smothered.

The answer has to be "No" then, doesn't it?

I feel for him and can understand why he's so desperate to change where he lives, but honestly, if he moves in then your home is no longer your home and you'll feel a real bitch if you ask him to leave.

It's not as if you could tell him he could stay for three months and save up for a deposit for a better place on his own, because you've only known him a short time - what if you get fed up of him after a couple of weeks?

MarieG10 · 28/01/2019 17:10

OMG...five months. You must be mad if you let him move in. You have identified it yourself about being smothered. Keep him in his own place until you have been together much longer

TweetleBeetlesBattle · 28/01/2019 17:13

This is your house. You get to choose who lives in it. Trust your instincts, if you are uncomfortable with the idea of him moving in, then its not right for you right now.

Even if he was childless, moving in together is a big decision in a relationship and its not one to rush into. Just tell him you aren't ready for it.

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 28/01/2019 17:13

I was going to say the same as HollowTalk. I picked up that very same statement 'I feel a bit smothered.' from your post.

Listen to your instinct. I didn't and I moved someone into my place also about the same sort of timeframe as that (5-6 months into relationship and less than a year after my marital breakup - I had initially made him move into his own flat, he did not like the flat etc and gave up the lease early to move into my lovely ex-marital home) Hmm. Took me one year to get him out and it got pretty ugly. Luckily my DCs were fairly young then and do not remember much of that time and he was only unpleasant (and emotionally manipulative) mostly to me in the end. It was horrible and put me off having relationships for a long time after that.

A good man will understand your reasons for not moving him in. Just don't do it.

dontforgettofloss · 28/01/2019 17:14

If it feels wrong, then it's your gut instinct trying to tell you to back away. Five months is way too soon to be moving in

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2019 17:15

Run run run. He is looking for better lodging, plain and simple. Your instincts are screaming NO! Why are you doubting them?

Personally, I think as soon as you tell him no, he'll quickly vanish from you life.

GoldenSyrupLion · 28/01/2019 17:16

Tell him it's too soon for you. I think it would be for most people. His reaction will speak volumes.

Dragongirl10 · 28/01/2019 17:17

Far to soon especially with a child involved. Listen to your insticts.

TokyoSushi · 28/01/2019 17:19

No no no, you're a solution to a housing problem, really OP, don't do it!

FlyingMonkeys · 28/01/2019 17:20

Nope! You haven't even met his son and he's be looking to have him also live at yours 2-3 nights a week? Would you also then be picking up a share of childcare, having a child get to know you whilst staying in your home? What he really means is it'd be far more convinent for him to move into yours vs looking to take on full rent himself in a none shared property where his son can stay over and he'll not have childcare help.

Beaverhausen · 28/01/2019 17:20

Nope far too soon to be moving in together. By the sounds of it he knows he is onto a good thing so wants to take full advantage of it. Tread carefully.

Asta19 · 28/01/2019 17:21

I'm sorry but I don't think he wants to move in with you for the right reasons. I've done a lot of online dating and I have noticed that men who live in shared houses get super keen, super quick, when they find out I live in my own house. It's depressing living in one room. It depressed me when I was 17 so it would definitely depress me now! But that isn't a reason to move in with someone. Be firm on this and say no. If he's genuine he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, well better to find out now. Good luck!

averythinline · 28/01/2019 17:23

5 months is no time at all .... it maybe his practical head has thought ...ooh i know i like Kenny we could spend time together and I'd have a place for DS to visit as well ... win win - but your instincts are saying no
and thats what counts.......just say it's too soon and in fact make sure when you meet up its out and about doing stuff at least some of the time.....
not always at yours as well!..... you are not there to provide new housing for him ......it can be very easy to slide into taht pattern... this shoudl be the exciting/dynamic time in the relationship

Talith · 28/01/2019 17:30

That's really bloody early - I'd definitely say no to that.

I've been with my partner 18 months now and I can't imagine him moving in, thankfully neither can he!

My XH on the other hand moved his girlfriend in the SAME WEEKEND we separated, and she was there playing mum the first weekend my children stayed, a month or so later. Angry My youngest is still having trouble sleeping at his because of this. But that's another story!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/01/2019 17:39

What flyingmonkeys said. You will undoubtedly be an instant babysitter on his parenting days.

He is presenting the financial plan to cover those bases to put your mind at ease. Imho, that is nice; but it is also a bit of a facade to mask the real minefield of emotional entanglement (reread Twoboys post).

Four nights a week at yours after only five months is a bit too much as well, imho. This relationship has moved very fast indeed...and you may have a feeling of engulfment just from him, let alone the prospect of his son (and son’s things). Your two bed flat will no longer feel big enough or even feel like yours.

“No, that doesn’t work for me” is all you need to say.

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 28/01/2019 17:47

NO!

It is FAR FAR FAR too early. And it would be for his benefit only, as you do not need the extra money, he earns less, you own your home, he house shares, he wants to move his sons stuff in... NO.

Tell him you'll discuss it in a year. (If by which time he does not prove to be a cocklodger).

Original poster
Kenny33 · 28/01/2019 17:56

Thank you all for your comments, it’s reassuring to find out others would feel the same in the same circumstances. I do want things to move along eventually but at a much slower pace. He knows I’m planning on doing a bit of work to the flat in the next few months so I might try using that as an excuse for now, to buy a bit of time.

Hadn’t considered the free, instant babysitter aspect either, but I could definitely see it happening!

OP posts:
dilly123 · 28/01/2019 17:59

I've been with my DP for 6 months known him several years though & it would be too soon for me (not that he would want to live together yet anyway).. you should still be in the dating, getting to know each other stage not bogged down with domesticity & the stress blended families bring!!

If your gut tells you it's too soon then listen to it!!

Whothere · 28/01/2019 18:01

Don’t make excuses. Tell him it’s too soon!

Original poster
Kenny33 · 28/01/2019 18:01

@fuckoffmeadowsoprano cocklodger is a brilliant expression by the way!

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 28/01/2019 18:05

He is staying four nights a week and you’ve only been together for five months? That sounds like too much, too soon, never mind moving in!

LIZS · 28/01/2019 18:05

Seems a bit backwards. You need to meet his ds first and establish a relationship as surely the next assumption will be he can stay at yours. Do you have any dc of your own ? 5 months is not long and he already spends more than half his time at yours Hmm what is his rush?

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 28/01/2019 18:12

Just tell him the truth OP.

It's too soon, you're not ready for this, and as he has a child you've never met it would be extremely reckless to attempt living together without you even establishing a relationship with his child.

If you use excuses such as work being done he is likely to come back at you with further questions/attempts to make it happen. If you straight up tell him it's far too soon and it's a firm no for the time being then he cannot attempt to persuade you further.

Did you see the long thread a few months ago with the OP who was having to evict her DP and his daughter? Does anyone remember the name of that poster? You should read it OP.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 18:12

You don't need to make excuses to buy time OP, just tell him that it's far too soon for you to even consider this. He should respect your wishes and leave it at that. If he doesn't then he's not a good guy.

supergrains · 28/01/2019 18:13

If you like the expression Cocklodger op you will love "No is a complete sentence" which is another favourite around these parts.

Swipe left for the next trending thread