Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

In this situation I’d be telling him that I wanted what was best for us AND his son, and his dad moving in with a girlfriend of a few months he’s never even met or had chance to build a relationship with is clearly not in his best interests. Let’s look towards meeting the son in six months time, building a relationship slowly, and if it’s all going well maybe moving in a year from now if it feels right for you both.

The fact he thought it appropriate to even ask you this is a red flag.

Hope the chat went well, OP.

I would also be taking anything he says about his ex's new boyfriend's with a massive pinch of salt.

Hope it went well and that he listened to and respected your views.

Are you ready to be a step mother? It's not just him, he has his child to consider who you've not met and you have no idea of their dynamics as father and son, which is a relationship which will always come first.

No no no no no. Cocklodger screaming from this one. Second bedroom, very handy, rubbing his hands there. Sod him, he's the one who needs to sort out his own place and stop living in a shared house. Not your problem and he's overstepped boundaries taking his son to your place. It's YOUR place, he has no right to anything from you and neither does his son, you don't owe anyone anything, but he's lining it up so he can live in your place and your instinct is screaming no. Best of luck.

It seems to me that his convenience takes priority over your preference, so much so that he actually doesn't think about what you would want at all. Hence bringing his child to your flat without even considering whether you would mind or not. I bet if you think back there have been lots of little choices that have been made to suit him over you, where you meet up or what restaurant you eat at.

If you live together then he would continue to suit himself, because he is clearly not able to recognise your wants and needs. I'm not saying that he's being deliberately selfish, but the result would be the same whether it's conscious or unconscious, you would always be an afterthought to what suits him and his DS. I bet when you have been talking about him moving in your body language has been screaming uncertainty, but he's choosing not to see it because it doesn't fit with his narrative.

He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend,
although the son doesn’t stay at his house

A few pp asking where he has his DS overnight.

I read this as he has his son a couple of evenings a week...not that he sleeps over or stays the night with him.

He wants him overnight...and your home would be perfect for him.
Don't allow it

i bet when you have been talking about him moving in your body language has been screaming uncertainty, but he's choosing not to see it because it doesn't fit with his narrative

I agree with this. Very insightful point to raise. Any normal couple, if one person asks to move in, they’re very aware of how the other person responds, whether they seem excited, happy, hesitant, because they know it’s a huge deal and want assurance the other person really wants it before uprooting their life and making such a big commitment.

You’ll be coming across loud and clear like you’re unsure hesitant, if he chooses to ignore that and tries to railroad you into doing it anyway/doesn’t stop to ask ‘is this what you really want honestly?’ His intentions are very clear. He doesn’t want to give you an opportunity to express what your body language and lack of total enthusiasm is getting across to him cos he would rather move him and his son in even if you’re not happy with it.

Good grief OP.
Just NO!
No excuses.
Just tell him straight.
I'd be seriously thinking about dumping him.

Hi, yes he has his son two evenings a week (I should have phrased that better). He does the school pick up and takes him out for tea and drops him back at his ex/son’s mum for bedtime. He also has him for a full day on Saturday and sometimes a bit on a Sunday - they generally go to museums, national trust places or walks, weather depending. The little boy has a half brother who is 11 and lives with them, the older boy’s father is still in Slovenia and doesn’t contribute or see him.

Is he under financial stress?
This is a massive leap and my gut instinct is that he is looking for help but doesn't want to say that.

It doesn't make him a bad person, but neither would you saying that you are really enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other, so you prefer to keep things as they are and in time get to know his family, before rushing in to becoming an instant unit.

I would watch his reaction and take it from there.

Sorry, hadn't rtft. Have now.

Hope that the chat went well. And why did he bring his son over to play? That would make me raise my eyebrows)

I'd assume bringing the son to your flat was because it was indoors but free to enter. Indoor play is tiring. Museums aren't always child friendly. Coffee shops or cafes require you to buy something.

I think the fact he brought his child to yours at the first opportunity speaks volumes. You have an inch you were comfortable with, he took a mile without even checking in with you.

Smothering you, to overload your brain and be swept along a grand scheme of his is a bad sign. He's not thinking about you at all. He's thinking about himself.

You clearly don't want this. Put the breaks on. Try to get some space in your flat again. 5 months is too soon to be spending 4 nights a week at yours. He's using you to get out of a house share he resents.

Say no and mean it.

i bet when you have been talking about him moving in your body language has been screaming uncertainty, but he's choosing not to see it because it doesn't fit with his narrative

I agree with this. Very insightful point to raise. Any normal couple, if one person asks to move in, they’re very aware of how the other person responds, whether they seem excited, happy, hesitant, because they know it’s a huge deal and want assurance the other person really wants it before uprooting their life and making such a big commitment.

You’ll be coming across loud and clear like you’re unsure hesitant, if he chooses to ignore that and tries to railroad you into doing it anyway/doesn’t stop to ask ‘is this what you really want honestly?’ His intentions are very clear. He doesn’t want to give you an opportunity to express what your body language and lack of total enthusiasm is getting across to him cos he would rather move him and his son in even if you’re not happy with it.

Nope - far too early.
Smacks of convenience for him. He gets to move out of his shared house into a nice two bed flat and lo and behold, there's a room so his son can stay over.
He hasn't had to make any contribution yet.
I presume that if he were to move in he would pay half of the rent and bills.... even so, that is half the rent he would have to pay if he were to rent his own flat so that he could have his son overnight.
He sounds flaky. I bet he'd be saying you should pay proportionally according to income - therefore he ends up paying less than half.

Also, and this might be a bit unfair of me, I think his financial situation is questionable if he is living in a shared house rather than renting his own flat. Could he afford his own flat? I know rents are expensive and people really do struggle but I would be wary about it - especially if I earned more. I'd worry about him being a cocklodger.

You need to know him a lot better before he moves in.

Apologies, I thought I’d posted earlier to let you know how the chat went.

I explained I thought we were rushing things and at 5 months in we should be enjoying ourselves. I haven’t said that I’m concerned about the impact on his son as he is not my child and I don’t think it’s my place to comment (although I’ve mentioned my concerns earlier in the thread). He acknowledged that knowing each other as teenagers has made it easier to go at a fast pace and we need to take a step back and get to know each other as adults.

We have decided we are going to go on holiday together in May and see how we feel when we get back. At that point I’ll start to meet his son for short periods of time, somewhere neutral and I’ll be introduced as a friend to start with. We’ll see how his son takes to me over those first few months and decide if he's going to move in, and what the timeframes are. I have a small amount of experience with 3 x under 8s as I look after my nephews and niece one evening a week - I know that’s really, really not the same as having them full time, I e known them since they were babies and there’s no reason they would see me as a threat.

Thanks again for your advice.

Bringing his son to yours while you were out and without asking you is the biggest red flag I can imagine. He already sees your flat as his.

Prepare for the mother of all tantrums when you tell him "no".

Although reading through the step parent thread, if we do ever move in together I would have to put things in place to protect myself financially.

"I’ll be introduced as a friend to start with. We’ll see how his son takes to me over those first few months"

The boy will be under the strictest instructions to be nice and make a good impression, don't doubt that. He's already been shown the room he'll get if hes good. Be wary of assuming that the behaviour and strict parenting you'll see will continue once they're in.

It's like getting a puppy, they're really keen for the first week and suddenly its you having to do all the walks and cleanup.

^Nope - far too early.
Smacks of convenience for him. He gets to move out of his shared house into a nice two bed flat and lo and behold, there's a room so his son can stay over.^

The thing is, even after you've been with the guy for 18 months, he will still be the guy who thought this was a good idea now. That's a serious personality defect that won't change with your relationship being more established.

If you own your house I wouldn't suggest he moves in. In 3 months or 3 years. Kids or not kids. I don't think it's fair on either party when it's "your" house before.

If you want to move in together maybe let your house out and rent elsewhere? That way he can't claim any stake in your property and it's a new neutral house which feels like all of your home. Eventually you could look to sell up and buy a property together as I can see renting long term isn't ideal.

Dirtybadger - that is a good idea if/when the time comes.

My 2nd room is smaller than my main room - it has a desk, wardrobe and queen sofa bed in. There’s no room to move around when the sofa bed is pulled out as a bed.

My other concern (as people have mentioned) is losing my 2nd room as it used as an occasional spare room, study (as I can work from home sometimes) and for storage.

There are 3 reasons i would tread carefully:

He has already shown you his agenda early on which is to get moved in as quickly as possible. All the next few months will be about is wearing you down to get what he wants.

Secondly bringing his child over when you were out was his way of moving the first point along faster.

Thirdly his reaction to your concerns should have been to back off not come up with a timeframe. This suggests to me he is going to push his agenda regardless of how you feel.

Sorry to be blunt but my guess he sees you as cash cow to solve his issues and give him a nice comfortable lifestyle.

In your shoes I would have said not for at least 3 years and watch how he reacted. Bet he would be moving on to the next prospect pdq.

Doesn't matter if you knew him when young. You're both adults now with life experiences that have changed you. Tread very carefully.

I'd be very worried about being with a man who can only afford a flatshare with other men.

Its not just sharing a 2 bed flat...he's living like a student at his age.

The gap is too large for me. If you fall out...you end up making him homeless and knowing he has to go back to a multi person house share.

I'd want a better idea of what he spends on CS and if he has to pay his ex spousal support before he moves in.

Im sorry op, something sounds off here...I hope it works out for the best for you... but these are the questions I would be asking iiwy.

It sounds like he has already just about moved in for all the times when he's not with his son. How did this happen?

You wrote" we will decide" but it sounds like he's already decided and now you're negotiating the timescale. What plans is he making to sort things out if you are not keen. Whose idea was the holiday? Could he afford it if he was planning to move into his own place.

Finally, and sorry if it's too much, is there anything else going on here for you that could cause you to ignore your inner warning voice ( he's your first love; you are keen to settle down/ start a family yourself soon; history of difficult relationships)?

Anyway don't feel obligated to answer on line. Just take care. The whole thing feels a bit like he's taking something that was yours and compromising by giving half of it back to you.