Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

He's having a laugh surely? Talk about taking advantage OP!

OP it sounds like he has already got this all mapped out.
He is making plans on your behalf.

Time to slow things down.

I’m afraid it seems he wants to move for the wrong reasons. I would be reconsidering this relationship given he brought his son round without permission.

I'd agree he's definitely mostly motivated by the thought of getting out of his current living situation. My ex was in a similar position and moving in with me came up much sooner than it should have because he wanted out of it and saw my home as a much better option. I refused and he was fine about it but probably only because his work commute would have been horrendous from where I live. Good job I said no as we broke up after 14mths.

Glad you got your keys back easily enough - I find once blokes have your house keys, they're loath to give them up. The thought he may have had some spares cut is worrying but I doubt he'd be so stupid as to do that to you.

I'd be dumping him after bringing his son over. You're a solution to his housing situation.

The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

Your second room will become his son's.

If you don't end it...tell him you're not ready for him to move in and you will let him know when/if you are. Tell him you'd prefer it wasn't mentioned again...as you just want to enjoy what you have.

He clearly can't afford to rent or buy and wants to feel like he has a home with you.

Absolute no

Handy second bedroom for his son. He's already getting cosy.

Hope the chat goes well.

I wouldn’t bring it up but let him bring it up - and if he does say that when you had a chance to mull it over you think it’s a bad idea, that you haven’t even met his son and even then you’d be looking at a timeframe of at least 2-3 years, maybe more before you even began to consider it, let alone for it to actually happen.

His reaction will tell you lots - if that doesn't phase him then great, poortle along at a rate you feel comfortable at.

If he does quibble at all then you know he is viewing the relationship as a nice relationship and a quick route to living somewhere nice too.

Another thing to consider if you live together - if his son comes over a lot/regularly even if only for a night or two a week then your second bedroom is going to morph from being the spare room or your study or whatever you currently have it as into being ‘son’s room’ and he might want to make it feel more like home for him. Which then begs the question - what happens when you want to use the room for whatever purpose you usually use it for when his ds is there - who gets priority and why? You don’t want to find yourself feeling awkward about using one of your own bedrooms! I might be tempted to start using it more for any reason when your dp is around just to reinforce the fact it’s a room in your house that you use, not one that’s conveniently empty and waiting to be filled with his son!

🚩

I feel sorry for him as he isn't winning at life right now but that is not your problem to fix.

He could well love you but you will never know for sure if it was driven by the convenience factor.

A few things that really concern me:

It's immature and irresponsible parenting.
He is being insincere presenting it to you that he would rather contribute financially. Yes it might seem win-win but he's not acknowledging that he's the one currently in a messy situation.
He went ahead and brought his son there before you gave your answer. This is a bad sign of things to come.

You seem to be committed to saying no which is definitely the right thing but in your shoes now I would take this opportunity to pay very close attention to how he reacts. If he sulks, argues or tries to pressure you then I would end the relationship.

If he has his child two nights in the week and one at the weekend, but not at his shared house, where does he look after his son child those nights?

You knew each other as teenagers. Since then he's had a broken relationship with a child involved and has much to say about his ex and her life choices. How old is he?

Five months and him bringing his child to your home without telling you is ridiculous.

He's a cocklodger and you're being too soft on yourself not to see it.

These men chip away; abdicate their responsibilities, such as decent housing for co-parenting; blame everyone else for their circumstances; see which side the bread is buttered disturbingly early on.

Handsome is as handsome does.

I had my own house when I met DP. He has 2 DC with his ex. I didn't meet the DC until we had been together for 5 months and then gradually I spent more time with them. When DP moved in after 18 months, the DC stayed 2/3 nights a week. Even though I love DP and really liked the DC it was really hard to have my home 'invaded'. My lovely peaceful home suddenly felt crowded. And the eldest DC found it really tough that his Daddy lived with me and not him.
We eventually moved house and DP and I bought it together. It's so much easier now as we have enough space and this house has always been the family home.
Don't rush into anything, I was really happy with DP moving in and it was still really tough.

He shouldn't have ' an argument' here. It's your invitation to give, not his to take.

He should be standing on his own two feet as a single dad, not setting you up to be a crutch.

He is trying to take advantage of you in that he is making out that it's a fair and sensible move for you both, but really it benefits him massively while you gain an undisclosed contribution to bills (that you don't need) and lose control of your own home.

Be careful op. At the very least he's a boundary pusher...

This seems to be quite common with separated dads.
The last guy I was dating didn’t hide his delight that I earn more than him (not much but I am more responsible) and after 2 months informed me of his plan where I could help him to get a mortgage on his council house, build an extension and have a new kitchen. In the meantime my 2 DC could sleep in the same room as his 2 DC - who have a 10 year age difference. Fucking weird

Don't do it Kenny, it's much too soon for him to be moving in. See how you feel in a year.

I just see a number of red flags with him.
He is in a poor paying job, so why is he not looking for a better job or doing something about getting additional qualifications to get a better job?
He is living in a rented, shared house with a few men so he can't have his child stay with him. Along with this he is already staying in your home 4 nights a week.
He was extremely checky to bring his son to your flat when you were not their. Of course it would suit him to move into your home but you have not even met his son yet.
You are in a good position to sort out the issue's in his life but it's not your job to do this. I would tell him that you don't want him to him to move into your flat and that you might consider this at a later date but it won't be for at least 12 months. The reality is you not just taking him on but his child also. As other posters have said here that getting involved with a man or woman with a child or children can be hard work. If you move him in you will have his child stay every weekend or even more. You spare room will become the child's room.
At this stage I would consider do you want to stay with man? Is he with you because he cares for you or because he sees you as a easy way to solve his living problems?

Here is a man who is thinking about what suits HIM and not what suits YOU. aka selfish. Don't do it.

Also, if you broke up with him, you've then got to effectively boot the child out of his second home too.

Red flags all over it.

Say "Yes of course you can move in... when your child is 18" see what he says to that.

Q

Besides it being to soon for you,
Have you thought what sort of dad does that? Not only use your place without talking to you first, so what other decision will he make without talking to you, But to move in with you and suddenly this ds is staying with you, if the ex is like that shouldn't he be making sure he isn't bring people in and out. Stay clear, I don't say they lightly.
It's disrespectful for all, I wouldn't have a future with a man who acted like this. He seems to come up with ideas and acts on them without actually communicating and they are the sort of people you should stay clear of - Because they are SELFISH!

Also, has he's told you that he hasn't brought other women around his son before? because he either hasn't dated properly (only OLD) or he has. This isn't normal behaviour from a good man

When I was getting divorced I sold my DS2's bed to a woman who told me to be careful if I met a divorced man as they always want to move in straight away. Best advice I was given and proved to be so true.
I had more proposals in my 40's than my 20's and it wasn't me being popular it was my house they wanted. Divorced men who end up in a small flat or house sharing always always what to move in asap.

There are regularly threads on here about how to get a man out who moved in too soon.
If you need to lie about why you aren't happy for this to happen that's a very bad sign.
I hope he accepts your no without emotional blackmail. If he doesn't you've saved yourself a mountain of grief down the line.
He sees your 2nd bedroom as his sons all ready.

Is there no way he can rent a 2-bedroom for himself? That’s really what he should be aiming for if his son is his first priority (which he should be).

My heart breaks for this little boy, as it seems both of his parents are putting their own wants ahead of his needs. Say no, OP. This isn’t your problem to solve. The child’s father needs to step up, though in reality he’ll probably just move onto another woman with her own place and try his luck there.

Cynical, moi?

Woah there's a whole load of red flags here. Fundamental lack of respect, incipient freeloader warnings all over the place. Bringing his kid to your place without your knowledge is just fundamentally disrespectful and also poor parenting. Back away from this man. He is not a keeper.

There are plenty of people who move in together quickly and it works out well. However you do have to be more cautious when children are involved and be really sure. You're not really sure so there's your answer. That's with all the red flags aside.

You said he has his son for overnights but not where he lives. Where is that? I'm wondering if that is under threat. Does seem like he's speeding this up for his benefit, rather than wanting to progress as a couple.

Hope you managed to speak to him and feel better for clearing the air and setting some boundaries x

How'd the chat go?