Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

"He said he didn’t think he would be there for long but has found he doesn’t mind living there as it is close to his ex’s house so close to his son and it means he can save. "

He's chosen saving over his son being able to stay with him, for 18 months.

Finally (from Doobys post) I've worked out one of the things that have been bothering me about this. Hes making out that he's child centred ( with all the parks and museums) but a sad victim of circs and it doesn't ring true. Why doesn't he take his boy back to his house as a matter of routine? Even in a shared house you can make your bedroom into a suitable space for eating a bowl of pasta, doing some reading and then a bit of YouTube or iPlayer. It's January, trips to the park are going to be really short so you'd want to go to the one next to school because of the light. This is definitely my last post here op so I wish you luck, maybe check out the house share in case he's really really messy and bear in mind that lying by omission out of convenience is a hard habit to break.

I can't understand why you have a good thing going with your own place are child free and seem to be doing ok that you want to get involved with some one that has so much baggage.
As I said before stick up for yourself and don't let anyone corner into anything you don't want. It's easier not to go into the arrangement he wants than to try to get out of it once he's more or less moved in with his kid and you are doing school pick ups and homework!!
Keep your life sample!

If he’s never lived independently in a usual adult set up I’d be very wary of cocklodger tendencies. He’s living like a student and missing out on time with his son so he can ‘save’. Is that the sort of outlook in life you’re looking for in a partner?

I can't believe moving in together is even a conversation after 4 months.

OP - give it 2 or 3 years and see how you feel then. You don't even have to consider it, or give him a timeframe.

It's your home. Not his. I would want to see him set up an appropriate home for himself with his son, using his own finances.

Sorry, i'm still seeing red flags all over this.

I think the problem will be that if he has been making effort to save, he now won't be, because he's thinking in a few months time, op will come round.

I'd want to see the idea out of his head for the present and him sorting something out for his son.

A bit slippery isn’t he?
Your chat actually did not go well at all, for you.

He is using your niceness against you.

You were being polite with a softly softly “sort of” negative posture to the moving in topic. You were expecting him to pick up on that and do a bit of mind reading to offer you the upmost respect and mind your boundaries. Table the motion, no action, dead in the water.

Instead, he took your wording at face value and initiated counter negotiations. Too soon= we’ll wait!! (The obvious answer- who could argue with that?) That wholly gallops around the first fence of a yes or no answer to the question. He got a yes to moving in answer by default. And throw a holiday on it to distract you from what just happened.

And hey ho! You’re paying for the holiday? Jesus wept.

Sorry but that is you being a pushover; a doormat.

His kid wasn’t sick. I know I may be cynical, but the excuse was too defensive and too scattered with shooting down the other options (oh-there weren’t any ). (What was he supposed to do? He had to do something- like anyone in those circumstances would do the same thing.)
But how on earth would it be comforting to a sick child to take him to a stranger’s (to him) home? It doesn’t add up.

And, again , this is using your niceness against you because you’d look like a total bitch if you complained concerning a “sick” child (whether he was sick or not). Quite the manipulation.

his reaction to your concerns should have been to back off not come up with a timeframe

Exactly! You have basically agreed to live with him after May.

He doesn’t sound like the sort of person who puts his child first: you are already thinking more carefully about what is best for the child than he is... is this really someone you think of as a life partner?

You are allowed to change your mind between now and May.

How are you doing “Kenny33”?

I thought the same regarding the coincidence that his child was ill on the same day he had your keys.

Please say NO and don't give him a key either

He sounds manipulative too 'rather pay you than the landlord'

This is all too much; after 5 months you are thinking about your financial/ legal situation - too much too soon. You should be having fun, getting to know each other better, enjoying romance. Take the moving in together and mtg the son off the table and see how it goes. He shouldnt have gone to your flat without permission. If he moves in he will want son staying over and who will be making sons bed up, making his tea and attending to him it will be YOU. But dont get me wrong i adore kids but he is not your son. Take your time - whats the rush?

he admitted to that without me asking as there is no way I’d have known they’d been here.

he might had bumped into your neighbor and worried you will find out?

But how on earth would it be comforting to a sick child to take him to a stranger’s (to him) home? It doesn’t add up.

also agreed with AndTheBandPlayedOn, surely the best (and the most obvious) course of action is to take the boy home to his own bed? very unlikely his ex would say no.