Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

He sounds unhinged. Kick him into touch, it really isn’t ok to do what he did.

5 months is no time at all. Just don’t!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

At that he has gone from nieve and potential cocklodger to utter dick. You did not give permission for anyone other than him to be there.i would absolutely hate that.

Keys back and seriously reconsider the relationship.

That's just weird. Where does he normally take his son?!

Unless there's some really big reason for all this, it's like he's using you for your living situation, it's all very odd.

That's really disrespectful. He just wants out of his shared house. He's showing you who he is. Trust your instincts!

Wow.

Dump.

omg no!!! wayyy to early

if you have to ask - then you know its the wrong thing to do!

He's already told his son that your place is his new home. Now you will have to deal with the "oh my child will be so upset".

You are going to have a real cock lodger there and he will be very difficult to get rid of. Don't let him move in. At least not until YOU are ready and want him to.

He is lining you up to be his very convenient and cheap lodging and free babysitter. It is pretty obvious. And there is no way he should have keys to your place already, he is already abusing the situation. Sorry op, you should demand your keys back and dump this chancer, he is taking you for an utter mug.

I'd change your locks OP. He probably had some cut at the same time.

That would be really stepping over my line, I'm afraid. How dare he take his son there without asking you.

How did you find out?

There have been a few threads lately where separated dads have moved into the poster's own place, then eg bogged off for work for days/weeks on end, become unreliable, disrespectful, etc - by which time poster has both become fond of the dc/dcs and part of their lives, but also furious and resentful that the dad is totally taking advantage. And really guilted about needing to throw them all out.

Not saying this is happening here, but there do seem to be a lot of men who seem to find a kind reasonable woman with her own place awfully attractive...

He doesn't have any sense of boundaries, OP. He already considers your space his.

I bet the conversation goes badly and he tries to make you feel like you're in the wrong.

Wtf!
That is beyond cheeky fuckery.
Get you key back asap.

If you do still really like him and to see if this could go anywhere in the future, let him know you want to slow things down completely and go back to actual dating. So maybe a night out or in once a week.

Him staying over 4 nights a week sounds a bit mundane for only 5 months in.

You should be out having fun!

You are a convenience to him. He can't take his son to his house and it's cold outside. He's just using you. He should not have a key to your house - get it back!

Though I suspect if you do try slowing things down, he will just be waiting to get back to where you are now and expect to move him and his son in

I got the keys back on Sunday night, I only lent them to him for that day. I didn’t consider he may have had some more cut. He told me, he told his son it is a friends flat. I’ll let you know how the conversation goes, having a cup of tea first to work out how to phrase things.

Oh jeez no OP way too soon. Let it happen naturally if at all. This is all too convenient for him.

No way.

Give it 5 years

A relative of mines boyfriend has moved in with her pretty much after 5 months.
They are both in their mid to late thirties but he was living with his parents....
She has her own place also but they've jointly decided that they're going to buy their own bigger house quite soon.
That's good because then it will be split down the middle 50 50.
Still think she's mad that she lets him stay with her all the time.

That's weird, is like he was trying to familiarise his son with your flat?!

5m is too early. I would suggest at least a year with seeing his son say once a week (even just joining them for half hour of their activities) from like 6m?

His son needs to really feel comfortable, as do you! Becoming a step parent can't happen over night.

If you were happy with the situation, then you wouldn’t be posting, so the answer to your ‘moving too fast?’ Question is ‘yes’. Ie.he is asking for too much too soon. Also, considering you haven’t even met the son, then assuming he will be visiting at your house is too much.

I've changed my mind. Dump him completely.

I think that’s really out of line him bringing his son round without asking (and even if he had asked, that would be an imposition in itself). Really not okay, a total boundary cross, really presumptuous (like he’s already moved in, sees your flat as his already) and agree with PP potentially manipulative. Really not on.

And just echoing PPs it’s way too soon and sounds like it’s motivated by his housing problem. Be very firm and keep an eye out.

Mentally it's already his place.
Bringing his son round without asking first is a MASSIVE red flag.
Sorry but it sounds like he's using you.
Good luck kicking him and your step son out when the mask drops once his feet are officially under the table.
Poorly paid job, living in a room in a house, overbearing and pushy, concealing things from you, not really a catch is he?
You can do better!

Haven't read all the replies/ updates but I agree it's definitely too soon!
I've been with my partner 6 months now, I have kids he doesn't.
We've only recently discussed him meeting my kids but both agreed it will be a slow process and he'll just be 'a friend' around them until they get used to his face. Certainly no moving in or even sleeping over when they're here for a while!
If it's got any longevity then there's no need to rush things

I also think you’re underestimating the effect a child has on a household, even if it’s only a couple of days a week.

In my view, it’d be equivalent to taking on 2 adults, full time. But with more food prep & tantrums.

Kids that age (even the nice ones) have a way of sucking up all the attention in the house. If they’re not being noisy, you’re stressing about what they’re up to. Their belongings get everywhere, even if it’s only the contents of an overnight bag, you’ll be surprised how much that’ll be. If you’re not negotiating with them about screen time, you’re preparing food for them (often both simultaneously).

Maybe you’re picturing your boyfriend doing all this, and you continuing your own routine- winding down from work, maybe doing your hobby, eating/bathing/cleaning up as you normally would. Maybe doing some work from home? This will not happen. It’s just not how it is with a kid around. Some dads seem to manage to block out the noise and mess and planning and the kid’s needs, but women? Not so much. Also, you say you have a love of order and planning. This will make it harder for you.

I’ll just say that this stuff is hard even if you’re head over heels for the guy, and the kid is yours! A few meetings at the park won’t clue you in to the sheer relentless drudgery of having a child live at your house part-time. Even if you’re not the primary carer. Especially if you’ve not spent time in younger life babysitting, with younger siblings or working with kids.

Love between the partners is so important. Wait until you reach a point where you just can’t imagine life without him (and his kid). That devotion and commitment goes a long way towards softening the chaos and upheaval of ‘home invasion’.