Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

You’re with him 16 weeks it should be hearts &flowers & sex & giggling can’t get enough of each other. Not solicitors & financial agreementsz

This romantic bonding bit is what keeps relationships together longer term

I don’t believe that his son was ill. If he was why would he not just arrange to take him back home to his own bed?

How long has he been separated and living in the house share?

What are / were his plans and timescales to move on from this to prioritise providing safe, appropriate home environment for his child.

I hadn’t even considered the childcare, I thought he would just do it! Naive eh?

YES!!! I can promise you that you will get involved with at least some aspects of childcare. The reason being is that assuming you're a nice person you'll want to be friendly to your DP's child and make the feel welcome and comfortable in your home. So you start by cooking them the odd meal, are really accommodating when your weekends all revolve around what the child wants to do, you think you'll play fun games with them but end up watching them watch youtube videos of someone with an annoying American accent playing Fortnite (or whatever the latest craze is), you lose your lie-ins because the child wants to get in bed with you/get up at 7am - the list goes on and on.

Big deal you might think but you have to do all this even when you're past the "making a good impression" stage and/or the child is being rude/not talking to you lest the child feels rejected and you get accused of not liking said child. So unless you're really hardline about doing nothing from the very beginning (and most normal people would feel uncomfortable being that reserved with their partner's children) this is how the childcare creeps up on you...

The thread below is an an extreme example of a cocklodging DP who expected the OP to take over his responsibilities - even in this extreme example it's interesting to note how conflicted OP is regarding her DSC's which is what tends to happens once you become emotionally invested in them:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3405821-Partner-away-with-work-left-to-look-after-his-children-and-dogs?pg=1

But of course...we all knew what we were getting into getting together with a man with a child!!!

this all sounds very fast and convenient for one party only and it's not you OP

He is the only person benefiting from this arrangement. A warm ready made home to bring his child too, instead of wandering around museums and the like.

I'm not liking the sound of this atall, it's almost like you are now on a schedule for live daily interviewing from now until he moves in ?

Date a person who has no children. What happens if he wants this child to live with you full time....

He said he didn’t think he would be there for long but has found he doesn’t mind living there as it is close to his ex’s house so close to his son and it means he can save.

I don't know, if he can save, he can afford somewhere better right now, even if it's in a cheaper area.

Surely anyone would want somewhere to allow his child to eat dinner at home, sleep over for a few nights and have somewhere he knew as home with his father.

He moved in with his ex who had her own home set up, and now he's found you with your own home.
I wonder if he's at all capable of having his own place at all or if he doesn't see it as worthy of spending money on as he finds a place to live eventually.

I personally think he wants your comfortable home, and all the benefits that come with it. He must be fed up walking the streets with his kid. Please be wise OP.

OP - as well as getting to know his DS, one of the key things to do before you decide to move in together is to see if you DPs parenting style is compatible with your own values.

If he is overly authoritarian, or too lax, in your opinion, then your relationship is doomed to failure - especially as they will be moving into your space where new rules and boundaries will need to be put in place.

Good luck

What was he saving for and how far has he got with it? He says HE is happy with the house share - but it is highly in appropriate for his DS - so why hasn’t he put him first. Seems like he is never at the house share if he is at yours 4 nights a week and the other days he is walking the streets with his DS. How many museums are there in your area?

Expect him to be super fabulous to you at this time as he has his eyes on the prize - and then expect a change once he gets what he wants.

As PP has said has he ever managed to independently set himself up with adult living arrangements.

Oh, OP. Can't you see that you are going to be running around facilitating his moving in? Seeking financial advice, seeing your spare room as his sons, worrying about the impact on your life and space - and all HE has to do is.....move in! which is what he's doing anyway. Staying at yours 4 nights a week (too much too soon at 5 months) taking his son to your flat without discussing it with you. Please wake up! you are letting his comfort and ease disrupt yours. Big time.

He’s prioritising moving in with his GF of 5 months over finding a place of his own where he can take his son. Why isn’t he putting his son first?

I mean, it’s like he’s thinking “Just a few more months of the house share, then I can move into Kenny’s”, but at this stage he can’t possibly know that your relationship will last the distance. Meanwhile, he’s missing out on quality time with his little boy and failing to provide him with a secure, comfortable place to visit. I found it so upsetting that he had nowhere to take the poor little mite when he was ill.

I still think he’s pushing his own agenda. He’s a grown man and should be looking for his own accommodation rather than hitting fast-forward on a relationship so that his girlfriend can look after him.

OP if you asked yourself, if he hadn't brought it up would you be thinking of moving him in?

It's glaringly obvious to us what this guy is after. Now you're talking about timeframes all he has to do is wait it out.

Tell him you'll maybe discuss it again in a few years. His reactions will tell you more than his gob.

Agree. His ex is doing every single night of parenting. Meanwhile he spends 4 nights out of 7 with a new gf who is well set up in a nice place, angling to love in.

Move in

OP I see that he has been separated for 18months. Has he lived in the house share all of this time? That’s a lot of walking the streets for his son.

Why did his relationship break down and what relationships has he had in the 18 months until he met you? Why did they break down?

I would show this thread to your legal friend - if they are not a family law specialist then they may not have a deep insight into the tactical risks.

As a PP has said - I would tell him that you don’t want to meet DS until you have been together a year, then it will be monthly cinema trip etc and will not be staying over. Then say that you would like to live together but not until 2 years and that will be a place you rent or buy together. Watch his micro movements and facial expressions when you communicate this - tells you all you need to know.

It's good that

Oops
Pleased you've slowed things down regards his moving in but I call bullshit on the excuse he gave as to why his son was taken to your flat at the first opportunity. As pp wrote, he was showing his son his new bedroom if he behaves.
Also agree he now k ow how long to behave until he moves in.
You must know how real this relationship feels. I'd take moving in in autumn off the table and tell him it's not definate in order to see now sincere he is because so far he isn't coming over as honest at all.
That's why you posted because mumsnet posters don't have your rose tinted glasses on. Please don't be manipulated and end up as step mum too soon.

There is a pattern here. He moved into his ex partner’s home and he is planning the same with you.

I would change the locks OP. He obviously has no problem with over stepping boundaries when he brought is son to your home, so getting a key cut when your first gave him a copy, is quite likely.

Easy. 'Nope. All the nope.'

What does he do when his son is sick or ill?

If he never takes him back to his place, if he picks up his son from school and he feels ill or has a temp, what does he do with him? Make him walk the streets in the cold or just not bother with him and take him back to his mothers?

This is an odd set up, if he can afford to save, he can afford to rent somewhere of his own so his son has somewhere safe to go.

so I might try using that as an excuse for now, to buy a bit of time
Your time is your own!!!
Do not make excuses. His proposal doesn't work for you and that is that.
Start going down the excuse line and he will find ways around dthe reason you give and also you have to keep coming up with more.
Stand up for yourself and font be steam rolled into situations you don't want. To let him move in any time soon is just silly.

Are you worried that if you put the brakes on a bit or express your feelings of pressure / being smothered / what is best for a child - he will be difficult or clear off?

If this worries you and you feel you need to tap dance around this - then it is all very wrong.

Isn't it a remarkable coincidence that on the night he had a key to your flat, he had planned to take his son to a park that was close by? And by an even more freaky twist of fate his son just happened to be ill, rendering your boyfriend suddenly unable to drive and in need of a warm place to go?

How incredibly fortunate for him and his son!

I've already replied upthread but a couple of other things have occurred to me to mention as I've read more replies.
I don't really think it works when some bloke moves into "your" flat.
I own my own flat (outright - very lucky...) and it is small but ok for two people. However, I have now lived with two men who moved in with me. One was definitely a cocklodger and I am beginning to think my most recent ex also had cocklodger traits.
Both completely failed to take "ownership" in the flat and therefore relationship by helping around the place with cleaning/odd jobs; organizing repairs (and contributing to the cost) and generally mucking in and taking care that the place remained nice.
It might have been their personalities but I don't think I would let someone move in again. I would want to rent somewhere else together where we could build a home together where both are equals or buy somewhere together.
I would advise you to consider this. What if you suggest to him that at some point in the future (ie. in a couple of years time) if the relationship is still going well you look at finding a rental property together or even a place to buy if things are going really well where both contribute to making a home and where is son could be included in decisions about decorating/furnishing his bedroom.

I think this man is a bit of a dick to be honest. He needs to be sorting himself out and providing a proper home for his son. He may be struggling financially but lots of Dads do and still manage to find somewhere to live where their child can stay over - even if that is a studio flat with a pull out bed and even if that is in a slightly cheaper area.

I think he probably could do all of this but he doesn't WANT to make any compromises on where he lives etc. and it's easier to find a girlfriend who already has a nice flat.