Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

It's good you've spoken to him and slowed things down.

I would say that if it does come to the point in the future that you are seriously contemplating it, make sure these issues are discussed/agreed in advance:

1. Finances. Crucial for avoiding a cock lodger situation! I understand there are legal implications if he pays towards the mortgage but he will be saving money by living with you. However you work it make sure his contribution is decent.

1. Household chores and potentially childcare. Agree in advance how that's going to work.

1. What will happen in the event of a split. Not romantic I know but Sandy makes a good point.

I am concerned though that he took his son to your home without your knowledge or permission. That is massively overstepping boundaries in my view. Added to how quickly he wanted to move in, it raises red flags. I would tread carefully. Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to be pressured into anything. Take as long as you need and make sure it's right before you make that kind of commitment.

The house he lives in is made up of 3 other men who are divorced/separated and in their 30s and early 40s. He pays his ex 15% of his gross salary, buys school uniform, shoes, football kit and pays for school trips and football club. He also takes the son on holiday once a year to Spain and to his grandparents (the son can sleep over at the grandparents as it’s a safe environment).

His ex lives in a social housing house (I think these are still rent controlled?). She works 16 hours a week as a cleaner and I’m told that she receives enough to live off in benefits plus the money he contributes and kit he buys the son. I don’t know how much she receives as I don’t know much about the benefits system and this definitely isn’t a comment on either austerity or the largesse of the benefit system.

By that last sentence, I mean I don’t know if people get paid too little, enough, or too much. It’s not something I’ve looked into!

@5leafclover - thanks for your response. My instincts are saying “too much, too soon”. At least he doesn’t think he’s moving in imminently. The holiday is in May and I’ve said it will take several months of meeting his son regularly to decide whether or not it will work. That takes us to autumn. Thanks to everyone’s comments I think I’m on alert for any pushiness or him trying to change the plan.

Thanks to the other posters who have mentioned being very clear on finances, childcare and what happens if we split. One of my friends is a family solicitor so I’m going to see if she can give me some advice on protecting my finances/property. I hadn’t even considered the childcare, I thought he would just do it! Naive eh?

Good of you to give him a timeframe for when he can move in then.

All he has to do is bide his time for a few months and start bringing his kid round. And now he knows he WILL be moving into yours in a few months there is no need for him to act like a fucking grown up and find a place for him and his son, is there? No, he can now spend that on a holiday, another win-win for him.

Saves him a bundle of cash doesnt it, staying at yours 4 nights a week and now he has your nice cosy flat to look forward to in a few months of being on best behaviour. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, the manipulative wanker.
If you think he will be sticking to your timeframe, you are deluded. He is pushing his agenda already but you are too blind or stupid to see it.
You asked for opinions and the vast majority have told you this guy is taking the piss

Op, read the recent thread about the perks of living alone. It will remind you what you will be giving up to move in this guy. In your op you say you are feeling smothered now. Imagine how it will be if you are living together with his son part of the time before you are ready.

@ruddygreattiger2016 - I haven’t given him a timeframe for when he can move in, I’ve given him a timeframe for when we will consider him moving in. By the time autumn comes around, if we’re still together, we’ll have been on holiday together, I’ll I’ve have met his son, and we will have been seeing each other for over 12 months by then. We might fall out on holiday (being together for 7 days solid for the first time), his son and I may not like each other, something else may happen. I’m not moving from my timeframe though so if he starts pushing to discuss moving in before his son and I have got to know each other then that will be a dealbreaker. I also don’t think taking legal advice to protect myself is blind or stupid. I’m meeting my solicitor friend for a coffee on Saturday and she’s going to run through things with me. If I can’t protect myself legally then he won’t be moving in.

There have been a lot of sensible and well balanced posts on this thread, posters have said things that I haven’t even considered. It’s given me a lot to think about.

One last thing ...on the subject of childcare, don't forget the school run, washing, lunches and (my personal favourite) homework supervision. How would that work? How much does he do now...how much did he do previously?

Did he acknowledge that having his son at your place without permission was weird, overstepping and wrong?

I think there's a few LTB fans on this thread! OP has raised no other issues in the relationship generally. She sounds like she has her head screwed on right. She's getting legal advice and considering all the ramifications. She has her eyes open. The one thing I don't think was ok was him taking the son there. I'd be wanting to have a conversation about that. But I think you will be fine OP.

I agree speaking to your solicitor friend is an excellent idea, make sure you mention you have only been seeing each other 5 months, he wanted to move in now, he is currently renting a room in a house with other divorced/separated men and he let himself and his sons into your property without you permission. Ask them for their honest opinion.

@category12 - he admitted to that without me asking as there is no way I’d have known they’d been here. I was a bit taken aback when he said it so didnt ask him about it until a couple of hours later. He said it was because they had been planning on going to the park nearby but his son didn’t want to go as he was ill. He said the little boy was upset about being ill and he was stressed because he was trying to calm him down and drive at the same time. He didn’t really think about it, it wasn’t to engineer a meeting with me as he knew I wouldn’t be back for hours, my place was the nearest warm place he could think of. He has apologised and said it wasn’t planned. Unless he got spare keys cut, which I don’t think he had time to do, then he no longer has keys so can’t do it again.

I was just thinking that he spends 4 evenings with you. He has his DS 2 evenings and a Saturday.

So he's with you for the night whenever he's not with his DS.

It must be depressing 4 grown up men sharing a house.

It's no wonder a lot of men are scared of getting married for fear of ending up like a student in their 30s or 40s.

Hardly the environment you want to bring the GF back to.

In spite of all that...it's not your job to get him out of this situation.

Without you ( or another woman) when do you think or would he ever be thinking about getting his own place?

There's a limit to how many times you can traipse around museums and hold the interest of a 7 year old.

I wonder if any divorced men (here on MN) would be brave enough to admit they moved in with their OH to get out of sofa surfing, living back at home or to get out of shared accommodation.

Hmmm pulling on the heart strings there I think.

You don’t owe anybody an answer here Kenny but you’ve moved from seeing somebody for 16weeka to negotiating when he will move in.

I know you’re saying you won’t consider it for a year but you didn’t consider it at all until he pushed it.

Going from single to living with somebody with part time childcare is a big step.

Mind yourself & don’t be nudged into something that’s not for you. Good luck

Unless he has financial problems, even paying 15 or (taking into account the other things) 20% of his salary to his ex it seems odd that he can’t afford a small place where he could have his DS to stay, regularly overnight.

See I think there's an element of posters seeing him as a "no hoper" because he lives in a shared house. Someone upthread even said OP should go for someone like her who owns his own place. There's several reasons why he might be in shared accommodation. Maybe he lives in a really expensive area. Maybe he's gone for the cheapest option in order to build up some savings. Maybe he just didn't want to live alone. We don't know.

I did agree back on page 1 I think it was, that this was too soon. That he maybe saw it as a way out. But OP has talked it out with him now. They've reached an agreement. To then say he's only using her, makes it border into snobbery rather than concern for the OP. I live in London so I have a couple of male friends in their 40's who have ended up in shared houses after a marriage breakdown. They have decent jobs but they prefer to live cheaply (if you can call London accommodation cheap!) and spend the money on their kids. They're good men. I don't think OP will be pushed into anything.

I wonder why he doesn't rent a bedsit instead of a house share so that he can have his son overnight. Have you asked him?

Have a holiday the first few months of meeting him and then decide? That still seems very quick to have his son move in. He'll barely know you for a few months and a true relationship won't be established.

I wouldn't move in until you've had a long holiday with him and his child to see if you and the child can live together on any sort of basis. Why is there a timeline already? You've been going out for four months and you're already committed to a timeline.

I was just wondering if there are any good schools in your area he may be after? Are you in a good catchment area?

*It must be depressing 4 grown up men sharing a house.

It's no wonder a lot of men are scared of getting married for fear of ending up like a student in their 30s or 40s.

Hardly the environment you want to bring the GF back to.*

Well some women are not coming out of marriage too well either. It's not just 'woe is a man' in these situations.

Taking his son to your property without your knowledge shows a lack of respect to you. That is your home and you have never met his child. He has invaded your space and crossed a moral boundary. I would be angry and upset.

Shared houses are fine, but not if this makes parenting overnight difficult. This man almost never has his DS overnight.

@bethy15

To be fair though, I'm in my 40's and know a lot of divorced people. I don't know any women who have had to move into shared houses. They have either kept the family home or had enough in the settlement to buy a smaller place of their own. A lot of the men have had to move into shared accommodation or tiny studio's. That's precisely why with internet dating you get this situation a lot.

The tenancy for the social house was in her name so she kept it. It was given to her when she arrived from Slovenia as she had a baby with her. He moved out when they split and needed to get somewhere so moved into the shared house. He said he didn’t think he would be there for long but has found he doesn’t mind living there as it is close to his ex’s house so close to his son and it means he can save. We are all in the same area which is an expensive (by Northern standards) area with good primary schools and grammar schools.

Yes but also tbf it’s invariably the man who has left the children in the family home with the mother.

I also don’t think taking legal advice to protect myself is blind or stupid.

No, it is not; but can you see the red flag here is that you need such advice at all? There is a clue in that.

His finances. It may be that he will never be able to contribute equal to your input towards living expenses due to the maintenance drain. Are you sure you are ok with that? That would limit everything from loan qualifications, to holiday plans, to retirement accounts. If you have a child together it may be that the circumstances morph into him being a stay at home dad and you be the sole bread winner. I’m not sure of the asset laws but would you then be paying his maintenance obligations if married-or-if not married? It will be complicated: another red flag on display whether you notice it or not.

The social parameters. Have you really read enough threads on the step parent board? Especially the ones where the step child’s time with your partner will always trump your time with your partner. The light bulb idea of you both spending time with your partner at the same time could have the effect that it will cheapen the experience for both of you. The child could always veto that convenience, and win the day. Every single time. That covers holidays, half terms, as well as weekends. You will be the third wheel in this relationship whether they live in your home or not. That is baggage that should not be casually dismissed.