Moving too fast? New partner wants to move in....

[Kenny33]

I was wondering what everyone’s opinion on my situation is. I feel a bit under pressure.

My new partner, of 5 months, asked if he could move in with me. He is a divorced Dad of one who rents a room in a shared house. His son lives with his mother and I (by my choice) haven’t met his 7 year old son yet (I don’t think it’s fair on the son as we’re still quite new). He looks after his son a couple of nights a week and has him for one day at the weekend, although the son doesn’t stay at his house as it is a shared house with a group of adult men living there.

His argument is that as he stays here 4 nights a week so should be contributing and if he moves in then he could pay some money to me rather than his landlord. I haven’t asked him to make a contribution as a few extra showers a week don’t make a big difference to my bills. I also earn more than him so don’t mind paying a bit extra. He does also bring food to make meals on some of the nights he is at mine. I own a two bed flat. The things that he wants to move into my place include some of his sons belongings as he has assumed that if he moves into mine then his son will be able to stay too.

I feel a bit smothered. I envisaged meeting his son and asking my partner to move in further down the line (at which point I would be happy for his son to visit/stay) maybe have that conversation after about a year. I’m conscious that the son probably needs a bit of stability and I don’t want to be put in a situation where I want to ask my partner to move out (if things don’t work out) but can’t because I feel bad about creating upheaval for the child.

My parents separated when I was young so I can see this from the child’s point of view. His sons mother has also had a number of boyfriends since she split with my partner, he only finds out about them when he picks up / drops off his son and apparently there is a different one every few months. I was never the other woman either, we met 18 months after they split.

I don’t think he is trying to take advantage of me financially but I think he may have seen a way out of his not ideal situation and is trying to push things along.

I don’t have any children yet. It has moved on quickly but we did know each other as teenagers and then lost contact for a few years. Although I think in some ways, knowing each other when we were younger has lead to almost a false sense of security. He does also have a much less cautious personality type than me and I wasn’t sure if I was just being my usual self - like to plan, think things through, pros and cons before I make a decision etc.

It’s been a unanimous no though - thank you ladies!

I knew my ex since I was a teenager too and thought I knew him. I didn't. The way he treats friends is completely different.

I understand that he'd rather pay you than waste it on his landlord especially as he stays with you more than half of the week, but i would wait at least another year or more before thinking about moving in. Probably better if he bought his own place and rented a room out to someone.

Be very honest with him, if you need to sugar coat your reasons you are not being true to yourself.

I suspect he will either say it's ok but push to move in again down the line or he will react badly but don't tolerate any hint of sulking or manipulating.

Start as you mean to go on, it's all win/win for him but you will lose privacy, space and likely have to pick up after him and his son.
You will also have to pay full council tax.

Being a "step parent" is so difficult and if it doesn't work would you really feel able to throw his son out? Think about how that would feel...If would be making him homeless.

Why won't he rent by himself? Even a studio might work. If not then I think you will always feel as if he is with you for roof over his head. As an adult and parent he needs to stand on his own feet before embarking on a new commited relationship.

You deserve to know you are not a back up person for him.

@fuckoffmeadowsoprano I haven’t seen that thread but will see if I can find it, thanks!

I think I'd take this chance to consider whether he's the man for you, OP. You're in the perfect situation - own home, no children, good job. Wouldn't you rather have someone who was in your situation, too?

Don't make an excuse like you want to decorate your flat. Just say no. You're not ready for that and you may not be ready for a while. His domestic life would be easier if he moved into your flat but your life would get very complicated.

I know it sounds mean but NO!

This is your home, you are not comfortable with it yet and quite honestly my last two relationships moved into my home and I was providing everything.

It soon became unbearable, and I resented them for not providing me with a home. Why is it always blokes moving in with us.

I'm not doing it again and don't feel pressurised in that respect. It's your home.

Why on earth do you think you need an 'excuse' for him not to move in at 5 months?!
Do you not see what a red flag that is?

Far too soon. It would be super-convenient for him. Nice home and "wife" and room for his son.

Don't make excuses - be honest, tell him that's moving too quickly for you.

If he flips out over it, then you'll get a good view of his character.

Him seeking to do this is a red flag.

Sounds like it’s primarily driven by his housing and custody problem. Which is for him to resolve.

He doesn’t seem to be putting his DC’s interests first.

Moving in together so soon would not be sensible even if he had no DC.

Yes, you don’t need an “excuse”.

What’s his “excuse” for moving so fast?

For those saying it's way too early, my partner and I moved in together at 6 months and it's been the best thing we did! However, we were both on the same page about what we wanted and we were moving into a new place together, so more neutral territory.

You don't need an excuse to say no. Just say your not there yet and that you enjoy the relationship as it currently is.

Yes be honest with him - don't make up stuff about decorating etc, let him know your thoughts ie that you think it is far too soon.

He isn't even thinking of the child - spending nights at a new girlfriend's flat - it 's not fair on anyone.

It is up to him to sort out his accommodation so that it is appropriate for his son.

I think being honest about why is really important at this stage. How he handles it will really tell you so much about him.

Don’t raise it and then have a discussion about it as he might try to persuade you. Tell him you have decided it’s not a good idea.

Please say no!
More laundry, more shopping, more cleaning, more cooking, more council tax, bigger utility bills.
If he snores or is a restless sleeper, you use your nights off to catch up on sleep, couldn't do that again.
3 nights a week of a 7 year old in your house(you say boy doesn't stay with him as not suitable accommodation). School run, School holidays...
With you as a resident babysitter he can go out when he wants.
Does he get a key? Will his mates turn up expecting beers and sport matches?
If you wanted to apply a body tan or wax your legs or cry with pmt or have an early night, there will always be somebody or 2 there.
Tell him straight, moving in is absolutely not happening.

There’s nothing mean about it, just tell him no. It’s far too soon even if he didn’t have children to consider but he does, therefore it’s a definite fuck no! The last thing you need is to have his child in your space three days a week when you have only known his dad for a few months.

No, no, NO!!!

If you can’t have an honest conversation about not wanting him to move in, with his child also moving in part time, you shouldn’t even be THINKING about him moving in. To be honest it sounds like this man has overwhelmed you and you don’t have good boundaries.

You sound very sensible, OP. It's good that you're thinking of the child.

Does anyone have the link for the thread mentioned further up?! I'd be interested to read it and what happened.

I think you've answered your own question OP. If you feel smothered now, it certainly will be magnified living together. And it seems it's more about what benefits him than what's best for your relationship, he's dangled the carrot of money to try and make him feel like he's doing you a favour. Definite flag and definite no.

I’m going to speak to him when he comes over later, will just say I’m not ready and explain what I said in my first post, along with some of the things you have said. Just been reading the stepparent thread and it has also reconfirmed my thoughts that things need to be taken a lot slower when there is a child involved. We’ll see what he says, I have a feeling he just hasn’t thought it all through.

@auba14 I can’t find it but would also be interested to read it.

He has assumed too much. It is too soon for you. He has a child. There is no need to rush, so take your time. Perhaps, you will never live together....

I’ve just found out he brought his son to my flat to play on Sunday. I was out for my friend’s birthday lunch and had lent him my spare keys so he could let himself in if I was late back. I’ve never actually said that he can’t bring his son round but I think he should have asked me?