Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

No one is suggesting ending the relationship would be easy. Much depends on whether you want DC and how - at a guess, now - you think it might affect you never to have one.

Flip side OP. My DB was 💯 sure he didn't want kids or believed in marriage. His then girlfriend was adamant the other way. He gave up his wants as she left him. Married over 29 years, devoted dad to 2.
Why do you need to be the one to lose your dream? It may be you have kids with him and he can't cope, but it may also be that you don't and he does the leaving and having kids with someone else thing.
I think you just have to know how important kids are to you. I didn't want them either but married a man who I knew did. I've 3 now. I only agreed to one initially, feelings and things change. Don't let your mum change your mind OR your DP, this something you have to chose and make peace with, and bear in mind you may be left DP less and childless later and that will be ok for you

You need to decide just how much you want children. If you split up you may not find another man that you love or certainly not that you love so deeply. I wouldn't give that up personally.

People say men can go but children are always there but once children leave home they could move to the other end of the country or even abroad. Then you are on your own or with someone you don't have such a great relationship with.

All these men that posters know that don't want children but then leave their partners and become fathers! Well I don't know any men that have done that.

When I met DH he told me almost immediately he didn't want children. I had always thought I would have children. We talked about it a lot and decided (for other reasons too) not to have children. We got married 5 months after meeting and after a year DH went private and had a vasectomy.

We have been married almost 40 years. We are very happy and still very much in love. Neither of us have ever regretted our decision. Love of my life or children? No contest for me.

Why did your mum cry? If it's because she won't have grandchildren then she is extremely selfish. It's is none of her business and your partner is not selfish for not wanting children and telling you so.

Your mum doesn't know whether your relationship will work or not. You could have children and split up or not have children and split up.

he really just wants to feel ready and if he's being honest with me, he just doesn't right now
When I was trying to decide whether I wanted children I met a woman socially who was about a month away from giving birth, and I asked her that question - how did you know when you were ready? She just laughed and said she wasn’t ready yet, she just did it - and I think I agree with that, it’s a bit of a leap of faith and no one really knows what having children will be like. I would not be surprised if your dp came round to the idea given a little time (but have a review date in your own head don’t wait forever).

I don't know that it's extremely selfish to cry because she won't have grandchildren. Maybe not very tactful and poorly handled. But people are allowed to dream of grandchildren some day, and to worry for their children if they think they're giving up something they want in life for a partner.

Not easy ending the relationship, slightly insulting that that's what you're taking away from this. Perhaps because it's easier to think the other points of view are from more flakey people than confronting how huge a decision this is?

It's that your relationship with your children is like the brightest most beautifully breathtaking sun, other relationships are pretty but distant stars. Slightly wanky phrasing but I think the meaning is clear.

If my children said they didn't want children I would be sad. Not because I want grandchildren, but because I would feel they would be missing out on the experience. Definitely wouldn't cry in front of them though, your mother should not have done that.

Seriously though, what if I don't meet someone else? Imagine that... what a huge risk to take also? I'd be left with nothing. No child and not even the man that meant everything to me.

If you didn’t meet someone else you could still have a child by sperm donor and believe me, once that child was here you’d wonder why on earth you even ever contemplated giving that chance up for a man.

I don't dispute that you love him, but he can't be the love of your life if he can't give you the life you want.
This is a test to see if you are made for each other, and there are plenty of those in a LTR.
Forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you haven't had many tests to your relationship, and if this is the case, you can't know this man is for you.

Seriously though, what if I don't meet someone else? Imagine that... what a huge risk to take also? I'd be left with nothing. No child and not even the man that meant everything to me

It’s a risk you may want to take, but chances are you will not leave someone who means EVERYTHING to you, if having kids means more than him then you will make the decision to leave. Life is full of risks just take some to get what you really want, be that, leaving your DP or remaining childless. As an afterthought my DP was adamant he never wanted children at 28 at 29 he met my niece and we were due our first 3 months later!!!

If you do happen to separate (or even become bereaved) when you're past the point of having children do you think you would look back and think, yes it was still worth it to be with him for 20+ years? You seem to idolise him (I'm guessing he already does 50% of the household chores without quibbling) but is he so "perfect" because he can enjoy an easy carefree time with you? What's he like under pressure?

I'm yet another statistic of a woman whose Ex wasn't sure about having kids but never a definitive no. Luckily I was on the fence myself so I'm not devastated at being childless now but Ex went on to have two DCs with a younger woman and it does sting a bit.

OP as i hit my mid 30's the want for a child hit me like a brick, my OH never wanted children and I made the choice to stay with him, I was secretly so sad, my every thought was baby related. I was one of the lucky ones who's partner did an about turn and suddenly announced he would like children!.... but i know if that hadn't have happened id still be miserable and secretly resenting him till this day.
Think very carefully before deciding if you are potentially willing to give up having a family for this man.

I know you mention sperm donor but surely if I stay with him and in the end he decides on no children and then he leaves me like people are predicting, surely I can then do something like adopting, IF I feel so distraught about not having children?

The reality is, I just don't think I can leave the person who means so much to me.

Hmm :/

Well thank you for all the help

Leaving him doesn’t automatically mean you will meet someone who you want to have kids with.

Ultimately what would be the bigger regret - no children or no amazing relationship?

You could indeed try adopting. The fact that you’re not even sure you would be that upset at not having children means maybe you don’t want them as much as other people, myself included do. Children aren’t right for everyone and if you don’t think you can leave him then you have your answer.
Personally I would never ever have been happy without having my children but not everyone’s the same.

I've only read your OP so far but what struck me was you saying your partner is perfect for you. He isn't perfect for you if you want kids and he doesn't. A friend has no kids as her fella strung her along and now they both regret that they didn't have kids and it's too late. She'll never fully forgive him. No man, no man is worth giving up the family you want.

Thing is, you don't have to decide now - you're 30, you still have time on your side. It doesn't even sound like he's totally opposed to children at some point. You can revisit the question, and keep a dialogue open.

At a certain point you will have to make a choice tho.

I would like children, yes. If I was told I couldn't have them and I have to live my life alone, would I be sad? Of course but I also enjoy many things alone/with DP that I genuinely could do forever, we would live in different countries for a few months and stuff like that, which just isn't possible with a child.

God!!! Now I'm questioning it!!! No, I do want a child, really and of course, if my child was actually here, I could never imagine a life without them/realise how much more important they are than DP but I suppose they are not here so I just don't have that feeling. I don't know, I just don't think I'd be mortified if I couldn't have children, I'd be upset, yes, but my life would go on and I can live a fulfilled life without children.

People are saying no man is worth giving up the family you want for , but the reality is, I only want children and that family unit with him and if I can't have that, I'd rather not have it at all. Yes of course later on in life when he will of course cheat on me and impregnate a younger woman () I will be mortified, but not so much mortified at not having the children, mortified I lost him/he did that... I don't know, I feel there is lots of things I can do without children in that situation, like adopting/fostering or even having more pets/animals. Travelling alone, etc

Of course you should cherish the love you have and not chase some putative other thing that may or may not happen, may or may not be great. Why throw away someth8ng so special? Children are really not the be all and end all, anyway.

Of course you can live in different countries with a child
I don’t think it’s all that healthy to have a relationship where you think the other person is absolutely perfect etc it’s a bit but maybe I’m just old/cynical/realistic.

What does he think about all this, OP?

I understand your struggle. I want children with my DP but I don't know what I'd do if he didn't want them. Thankfully he is keen... it feels like a heartbreaking decision.

Does he appreciate the position he's put you in?

Op have you truly told him how much this means to you, openly and without sugar coating it? You should....then leave him to think about it for some time a month or so. Then ask him what he thinks...

How do you see your life at 45, 55, 60? when you are that age will you still be content with no children or possibility of grandchildren.....be truthful with yourself then be truthful with him and let him really think about his future.

30 is young, but in case you struggle to conceive, you do not want to wait too long....

You need to really discuss this With him OP. An open and honest discussion, no pressure on either side, my DP and I have had a similar one recently. It was hard but we really talked about everything openly and honestly, I found out about about fears I didn’t even know he had about becoming a parent.

The truth is you’re always going to risk one of you being resentful of the other, because one of you is going to make a life long decision for the pair of you. You’ll never know who was right or wrong whichever path you choose to take.

My ex definitely didn't want kids. We split up and I met someone else. I eventually had a child in my 40's (bloody lucky really). Found out from old friend that ex had met someone else (younger) within a year of us splitting up and had 3 children in fairly quick succession.
It happens!
I'm just pissed off that I left it too late to have more than 1 child.

OP. If you do want kids, don't rely on someone changing their mind in good time. The clock is ticking...