Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

I would be very wary. If you want a child please put that first. I know 2 men who spilt with long term partners, having ‘never wanted children’ when the women were in their 40s and both quickly met, married and had children with women in their early thirties. Both were ‘shocked’ this happened to them. Please put yourself first.

Be very careful OP, I have a friend who is now too old to have any children, she spent 20 years of her life with a man who didn't want children, they had a great lifestyle together for a long time, but when she got to about 40 he left her for another woman who was younger and went on to have a family. She was devastated and not having had children is the biggest regret of her life. Children bring a huge amount of joy and make us better versions of ourselves.

Just as balance, I know two women who have remained childless at the wishes of their partners. Both couples still together, happy and in their 50s.

Both couples married by the way.

If you want children it’s best to end the relationship so you can find someone else who shares you’re ideals. It’s too bigger compromise for either of you otherwise

I got married at 29 and about 5 months before the wedding myself and H talked about kids. We'd been together for 6yrs and had the lifestyle you described. H was adamant he didn't want kids. I wasn't broody at the time but knew I wanted them one day. So I told him the wedding was off if he didn't want kids. It wasn't a threat or an ultimatum, it was a deal breaker.

Anyway H took a few days and decided he would have kids. I didn't get properly broody for another 3yrs but when I did it was like a sledgehammer. H now seems to have forgotten that conversation and says he doesn't know why people don't have kids.

If you do want kids one day you need to walk because that primal urge to have one won't go away and you could be left feeling bitter and resentful.

A couple of posters making sarky comments about the fact he hasn’t proposed yet. So what? Maybe the OP doesn’t want to get married, maybe he has proposed and they are engaged but she is just using ‘partner’ as opposed to fiancé, or maybe her partner doesn’t like the idea of marriage! If she wanted to be engaged that desperately, which it doesn’t sound like she does, then she could always just ask him herself!

OP, I can’t offer much advice here I’m afraid. The fact that he’s unsure about potential children as opposed to definitely not wanting them is good in a way (he might change his mind in a couple of years, you will still only be in your early thirties) but bad in another sense in that he might suddenly decide in fifteen years time that he wants them when it’s a bit late for you. I guess it partly depends how much you trust him, and how set he seems in his decision?

I think your mum massively overreacted though. Your partner is completely entitled to not want children, as difficult as that might make life for you.

I'd echo previous posters who pointed out, you may regret a man, but you will never regret your children. If you know you want them, leave and find someone else or do it on your own. Don't waste another ten years on someone who could change their minds and leave you unable to ever have a family of your own.

If you choose to remain childfree, fine. But don't let a man dictate your choices, no matter how much you love him.

"Just as balance, I know two women who have remained childless at the wishes of their partners. Both couples still together, happy and in their 50s. "

Tbf, you can't know whether they're genuinely happy or cry themselves to sleep every night looking at social media photos of their friends having family holidays with their grown up children and grandchildren.

OP, it's one of those dilemmas where no one can really help you because it's such an intensely personal choice, only you know how strongly you feel about a family, how regretful or resentful you might feel in ten or fifteen years.

I don’t know if this is the right attitude but I can only speak from experience - I also love my partner like you do and would describe our relationship similarly - he is my first and only love, we are kindred spirits, best friends etc. But I feel that the reason we had children was an extension of that - we loved each other so much, having a family seemed the natural progression of that and something we both wanted.

If my man was supposed to be so in love with me but was so blasé about not wanting kids especially when I so clearly did - I would be reconsidering things.

I could be completely wrong, but the thing that’s odd is that he’s not even open to the idea of having kids in the future - it’s like he is making sure you get it in your head that he won’t be having kids with you, and it would make me think a lot.

I think you need to take your mum's views out of the equation and focus purely on what you want.

When you've talked to your partner, have you told him that this is potentially a make-or-break issue for you?

I know couples who have no kids and have a great lifestyle but they never wanted DC. However I have friends who would have loved DC but never had a partner and they grieved in there 40s as they realised they wouldn’t have DC. I know a couple who didn’t want DC and the DM panicked as she got to 40 and the reality of no DC hit and she had one. The issue you have is you always wanted DC and that won’t disappear and I have no doubt as you get older the urge to have them will grow. Sometimes relationships end because we want different things and perhaps this is a time in your life that you need to really think what you want...

Brilliant idea about suggesting the vasectomy to him. The truth will come out then.

Also OP, he may be the love of your life, but are you the love of his life?

Getting together so young, you have grown and changed a lot. I am just coming out of a relationship that started at a similar age. We were together 25 years. I honestly think this is a really typical 'lifespan' when you get together young.

That would leave you, like me, mid40s. I have 3 kids. It's all fine but I am perimenopausal. How would you feel if this happened to you with no kids? And he then met a younger woman and had a family? I have seen that countless times.

If you would be okay with that, not bitter, then stay. If not, better to split up. Or just look into sperm donation and have your own child. What does your partner say about a vasectomy?

I agree with the pp who said it’s really, really important that you are totally honest with yourself about how you feel. Brutally honest. Because it’s true - the door to parenthood won’t close for him if he ever changes his mind, but for you it will.

I know several happy, child free couples where both parties have decided (usually a bit later in life than you) that on balance, a family life isn’t for them. But I also, unfortunately, know quite a few women who gave up the idea of children for a man, only for the relationship to break down and the man to meet a younger woman and miraculously change his mind and gave a family, leaving his ex in a situation where it’s too late for her to do the same.

Remember that your boyfriend has another 20, 30, 40 even 50 years to decide whether he wants children and you do not. Don't give up your dream OP.

I also find the words you use about him interesting, it's love struck teenager rather than thirty year old woman. I don't know if that's how you behave in real life, but what screams from your post is that he is unwilling to do for you what uou will do for him.

Marriage, did you or do you want this? Children, he has surely been aware you always wanted them? He effectively indicated you would both have them in the future by saying he wanted to do all those things together first, and yet you had to raise the conversation? He didn't proactively raise it to tell you he didn't want them? Is this not dishonest on his part, stringing you along?

How much did he explore your desire to have kids, the time pressures due to your fertility, how much of his conversation was about you?

He should not have kids if he doesn't wish to, but without further info it could seem this relationship is rather one sided.

I'm afraid the only scenario I know like this ended up with a child being born who is now fatherless...she couldn't shake the desire to have one, he reluctantly agreed but then spent the whole of her pregnancy in a regressed state- partying, drinking, not taking any responsibilities (ended up losing his very well paid job) until things were so bad that the relationship imploded. He has not been in contact since and never met his child. She has a new relationship where she is very happy and will probably have another child- and is Step-Mum to 2.

She would say that they should have parted ways before getting pregnant as he obviously had a complete inability to cope with the pending fatherhood, and was obviously only agreeing to having a child to keep her happy.

Don't underestimate the powerful feelings that come with broodiness- it can be utterly consuming in many, many ways. Maybe some relationship counselling would be beneficial to really talk these issues through.

I too know of someone who put a hold on having children for her husband who said he didn't want them. He left her in her 40s after getting his mistress pregnant. He now has 2 Kids with her.

Slightly different circumstances but an aunt of mine left my uncle because he was unable to have children. I never understood until I had my own now I know why she did it. It must have been really hard for her but she'd only have resented the life she wanted that he could not give her.

You need to really think long and hard on this one op. Never give up your dreams for a man. He wouldn't do the same for you.

You need a proper discussion about this. Would he be prepared to lose you if you said the relationship was over? He's holding all the cards at the moment and it's you who is having all the angst. Bat it back and make him seriously think about life without you v. life with you and a family. Don't give him the option of life just with you as he doesn't have to make any life-changing decisions about that.

Brilliant idea about suggesting the vasectomy to him. The truth will come out then.

Why? I don't want children, never have. I am more than happy to wear condoms every single time. My uncle was one of the 10% of people whose vasectomy resulted in long term chronic pain. There's the possibility it's more than 10%. There used to be a poster on MN when I first joined years ago who himself had suffered complications with his vasectomy (I think if I recall it even ended his marriage).

His body, his choice, same as we tell women on here.

There are posters berating the guy for not proposing. Where in the OP is marriage even mentioned? How do we know he hasn't? How do we know she hasn't? How do we know she wants to?

OP You are totally right to consider your future in light of what your partner has told you. He's been totally honest. Only YOU can decide. If you really want a child and he doesn't, then you need to end the relationship and look for a man who has that same goal. Hopefully you will find one and love him and find him as perfect as you say this guy is. But it's fuck all to do with your mum and it's out of order for her to call him selfish and pour any shit on you or your relationship like that. Good luck - you sound as if you've got your shit together and will make the right decision.

The vasectomy suggestion seems extreme, but I agree with PP that many men casually throw away their DP's chance of being a parent, only to become father of the year with another partner 15 years later, when it suits them.

If you are considering this sacrifice for him (which of course may be the right thing for you both), then I would genuinely be wanting to know that he is making an equal commitment, rather than just...not committing to anything at all.

If - and there’s much more than 50% chance of this based on stats on relationship breakdown - you split up, he will have the option to have DC in future. This could well be much more difficult for you.

30 isn’t that young fertility wise. In your situation I’d choose the possibility of DC in future over the man.

You need to really think long and hard on this one op. Never give up your dreams for a man. He wouldn't do the same for you

How can you possibly know that

Why has he not proposed if he is so perfect?

Well why hasn't OP proposed to him.

OP your DM reaction was way OTT and quite manipulative.