Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

I think it's good that your partner has been honest - so many threads on here from women strung along for years on this issue.

But it is a huge decision for you. It sounds like you want children but are leaning towards giving up that dream in order to remain with your partner. There can't be a compromise on this issue, someone must give up what they want, and it looks to be you. It might work out. I know several couples who have been through similar and appear happy. But I also know couples where the resentment has crept in, or the relationship has broken down for other reasons but it is too late for her to have children with someone else.

I guess your mum was wrong to put added pressure on you, but then you were presumably talking it through with her so it would have been odd if she hadn't offered an opinion. Having had children, she knows how much joy they bring and is sad that you won't experience that, that you are giving up your dream so that your partner can continue having lazy Saturdays. She is worried that you may live to regret your decision, that resentment might ultimately sour your relationship. Part of it will be sadness for herself too because I'm sure she anticipated grandchildren in her future.

Unfortunately, ultimately, she can advise but must accept your decision. I don't envy you it. I would have left my dp if he hadn't wanted children, but maybe it is something you can come to terms with.

I can see where your Mum is coming from OP. This happened to my Dad’s cousin, who adored children, would have been an amazing Mum and only stayed because she adored her dh. Unfortunately that dh left when she was in her late forties, to move in with a much younger single Mum he was having an affair with and proceed to have two of his own with her.

I also know a couple where the man was adamant he would never want kids. Only to cheat on his lovely partner and proceed to get engaged, married to and then have two children with the OW. Luckily his ex was young enough to meet someone else and start over but it did make me wonder whether these men really didn’t want children, or whether they just didn’t want children with their then partners. As both wanted children when they apparently found the ‘right’ woman.

I’m trying to imagine how I would have acted in your shoes. I think it would be very difficult not to resent my dh if he had deprived me of my dream to be a Mother. I honestly adore my dh but made to choose between my dc and dh I would choose my dc. My dh would do the same. We adore each other but could never give up our babies.

I think I've told this story here before.

I once had a boyfriend who was my everything, and I absolutely loved him. Intelligence is so important to me, and I can say without reservation he was the smartest man I was ever with, bar none (and I have chosen men who are overeducated forever!). But he really did not want children.

When we had our final argument about it, I decided to leave him over it, and he sneered at me, "I hope you remember when you have your children how you loved them more than you loved me."

Sometimes, I do remember exactly that. And I smile. I ended up with the life I wanted in the end, not the life with him that I felt like I was "supposed" to want. He wanted to give me travel, a life lived everywhere with the best of everything. He thought kids would put a damper on it, and our sex life too. He had such a good "offer" that I was heartbroken at the time about leaving, but it was seriously one of the best, and most mature, decisions I've ever made.

I suspect he'd have eventually traded down for a younger model, and perhaps even had a family with her, if I'd stayed.

Are you 2 actually married and if you aren't why haven't you in the 10 years together?

I wouldn't give up a child for him. So many many times it works out they they stick around until the end of your fertility, then leave for someone else and get married and have children with them right away.

If you want a child do not give up your chance to have one for a man. At the very least you will resent him for it, but often men that say this mean they don't want children with you.

Personally, I wouldn't. Having children is the lifestyle I wanted and I wouldn't give that up for any man. I would also be thinking about if the relationship does break down, your DP will probably go on to have kids with a younger women. I've just seen it happen so often, including to myself. My ex did exactly that to me. And so did my DH - he strung along his ex, then had kids with a younger women (me!).

This concern is amplified in your case because he isn't saying that he is strongly child free for x reasons, he is saying he loves children but just isn't ready right now. Read: he does plan on kids but just not during your fertile years.

But I've never loved a partner the way you describe. I've loved but I wouldn't describe it the way you do.

Also it sounds like you are fine with your decision and are just being put off by your mum. In which case, don't worry about her. It's your life.

Why has he not proposed if he is so perfect?

I would no way compromise a chance at future motherhood for a man it’s such a big thing. I also think it’s quite selfish that he is SO adamant against it if the love of his life is wanting this ?!?!

Its time to move on. You will always look back on your relationship with him with find memories. You’ve been together 10 years and done some amazing things, but it’s time to find a partner prepared to live and commit to you.

Don’t let fear of being alone hold you back, you must remember these days most marriages end in divorce. Therefore unmarried couples are statistically more likely to fail. Especially when one partner is not wanting to commit.

Your mum is right.

Your mum was absolutely wrong to call him selfish and make out he is wrong and it will all go wrong Because of him.

He is entitled to feel how he feels. If you choose to stay, you are choosing to not have kids too. It's not him forcing you to not have kids. It's a choice you are making.

Personally, if I were you , I would walk away. That doesn't mean you should. Or that the relationship will go wrong. But I have seen this situations go wrong So many times. I have seen the woman get so resentful it destroys the marriage (even though she chose to stay knowing there would be no kids), I have seen men walk away then have kids with someone else when it's too late for the woman. I have seen people think they are ok with no kids, but not really and walk away later to have kids.

Dps ex wife didn't want more kids (she already has them) he loved her and stayed anyway. He really regrets it. We may or may not have one, but he feels he is getting too old to do so now. He is 41.

Lots of people are happy in a marriage where there's no kids, but not usually when one did want them and the other didn't.

I wouldnt risk getting to 50 and regretting not having kids.

I've regretted men, I've never regretted my dc.

It's really difficult, you cannot know what the outcome will be - when you're older, the desire to have dc may kick in like you wouldn't believe. Or it may never do so.

All you can do is be really honest with yourself about what you want out of life and see what feels right. Revisit it if/when you need to.

Your 10 years of relationship happiness was predicated on shared goals and that is no longer the case

Do not underestimate the power of resentment and the impact that it can have on your relationship dynamic. Your sacrifice will never be matched or really appreciated. Not having kids is easier when you’re young and when you believe it will happen later as opposed to deciding on not having children you really want simply to appease someone else.

But it’s not got better and better, you’ve reached a point where you both want different things in life and as you’ve not married you’re not committed to stay

Also, I'd expect him to take a lead in contraception if he's sure about this and not be expecting me to be on hormonal contraception etc for the entirety. I'd be expecting him to be looking into vasectomy.

I've been with a man who didn't want kids till I was 31. Then he broke up with me, had a new girlfriend immediately (he said no overlap but heard different from others) and their planned (!) first child was born a year later. That hurt real bad.

Can you live with your decision if that happens?

You need to be really honest with yourself about how you feel about giving up the option of having children. Because he doesn't have to give up that option. He may change his mind in his late 40s and go on to have 3 children, but you don't have that luxury. So, be really honest with yourself. If you give up on the possibility of having children for this man and then he changes his mind when it's too late for you or the relationship just runs its course and ends when you are too old to have children would you be ok with that? Would it have been worth it even if you don't end up together in the end? I personally couldn't have accepted never at least trying to have children, but other people can accept it. I suspect you do want children. If so, I'd suggest you accept that and move on with your life while you still have plenty of time to find a partner who wants the same thing

It’s not wrong or selfish for him to not want kids and your mother is being OTT here. He has been honest with you.

I‘ve been the partner who doesn’t want kids in a relationship and it is heartbreaking when someone chooses the possibility of kids over the reality of their life with you. Having said that, you have to let that person go. Someone who gives up on a true dream of having children is going to feel resentment further down the line.

So you have to figure out: do you truly want children, or are you a fence-sitter, who could be happy either way. And it is possible to be happy either way, as long as you are true to what you really wish for. I

I agree with pp on him getting a vasectomy if he's serious about not having children. My dh had one recently as he was 100% done with babies (as am I) and I refuse to take hormonal contraception any more - an unplanned ectopic made him realise he needed to step up.

My brother and his gf are in the same boat in a way. He is a very high earner, she is slightly older so doesn't have much time. They flit about doing random activities, holidays and expensive meals out but their lives look so empty. She appears deeply unhappy and never satisfied. He would love to make her happy and throws money/time at this but it never happens because at the core they are living this very young, carefree, seemingly enviable life that makes great Facebook pictures but there's just no substance. I do feel that if they were with different people they would want to settle but they have come to resent each other. They look down on me and DH with our boring house, baby etc but when I look at DD I feel so much love that I couldn't imagine not having that. That's not to say that those who genuinely don't want children are lacking anything in life because we also know some very happy childless couples but not those where one has had to bend for the other.

Yep, I think fair's fair - if not now if he's not absolutely sure he never wants dc, certainly while you have fertile years, he should get the snip so it's not just you losing the chance forever. I think that would crystallise things. And would still give you a chance to walk and have dc with someone else if he won't.

First ignore your mum. She can't possibly see into the future and know that will happen to you based her negative experience.

Also anyone can leave anyone at any time so you can't base your decision on what 'may' happen. Just because other people's husband have left to have children when their ex is 50 and childless. It wouldn't have been any better if he had left her with 3, 4, 5 children.

Once kids get to 18 they away having their own healthy life.
You're on your own.

Maybe he'd just scared of having kids. It's a big commitment.

But you can still have lazy Saturday and travel. Sounds like your mum would be hands on for babysitting.

Sit him down. Go through his concerns.

I have 2 fabulous kids by the way. Both adults now and doing their own thing.

But day to day my husband is my best friend and my life now.
And after 25 years I wouldn't change a thing.

I think you will become resentful of him,and he may well do a flit and have them elsewhere when its too late for you.Be proactive,not reactive. You've had a great time, but don't miss out on having children if you want them

It's a huge decision to make, you really need to decide what you want, not what your partner or mum wants. Are you sure you are happy to not have children, and not just going along with what he wants because you don't want to lose him? Really think about it because there will be a point where you can't have children. As someone else said you may regret a man but you won't regret your children. If you are sure it's what you want then don't worry about what others think, but please know you can meet someone who will be amazing and will want the same things as you.

Aww, you DM was so out of order to say those things. Only you can make the decision that having a child is more important to you that what you have now. Our experience isn’t going to be relevant and neither is your DM’s. For what it’s worth I think what you have sounds like bliss and Millions of couples this morning will be wishing they were you. There is no right or wrong when deciding these things it is purely emotive. I wish you well for your future and hope you don’t spend too long being at odds about this, as that will waste a lot of that blissful life you seem to be leading.💐

Be very wary of making this level of commitment to a man who isn't even prepared to marry you despite 10 years together.
Suggest he gets a vesectomy, his reaction will be very telling.
I can see why your mum is concerned.

Sorry you are in this situation OP.

In your shoes I'd be wondering how long he has known he doesn't want children.

I'm also conscious of all the stories of men who leave and suddenly find they do want children with their next partner.