Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

If you remain child free be child free because you have chosen to be and you are perfectly happy with that situation not because someone else doesn't want you to have them.

OP, would your partner consider having some sessions with a counsellor? It sounds as though he just doesn't know what he wants and possibly some past experiences could be clouding his views of what parenthood could be like for him. Maybe he needs to talk through his fears with someone neutral who wouldn't be trying to convince him one way or the other. That way he could explore his feelings without feeling pressured.

Adoption is not a back up plan, many people wait years. And in your 40s they might say you are too old to adopt.
You are approaching this in a funny way. You don’t have to leave him now. But he’s telling you he’d have kids if it means that much to you, and you seem to be saying that means no kids. He’s allowed to decide to have kids for you, do you always protect him from making any sacrifices for your relationship? Why should you make a fucking huge sacrifice just so he doesn’t make one? As others have pointed out men are less likely on average to say I MUST have kids and then do adore them once they come out. It may not even be a sacrifice for him, it will definitely be one for you. Also as others point out there is no right time for most people, anyone who thinsk the oerfect moment will announce itself with a ray of light from heaven is nuts.
Have you pointed out to him that your fertile years are limited, you do want kids, he has known that, and asked if you can talk again in a year? Have you actually talked this through with him and given honest opinions of your own back?

This was my friend and her dh. The wasn't sure he wanted to be a dad lasted 20 years and now she's 41 and it's probably too late. I know it really hurt her.

Ultimately having a child must be a joint decision and if one person in the relationship wants something the other definitely does not then I think it's a problem.

When I met my fiance I asked him if he wanted children of his own because he doesn't have any. He was honest with me and said that although this would be wonderful he had come to an acceptance that now it was probably not going to happen (he was 42 when we first met, his first wife couldn't have children).

I have two sons of my own (8 and 11) and the reality is we are not in a financial position to afford a baby together, nor is it likely that we ever will be as I'm 38 now!

So for him, although a biological child of his own would be the "ideal" he accepts the reality that it is extremely unlikely and he has come to terms with that.

I guess it depends ultimately if you are OK with ruling out children indefinitely? How old are you, OP? May your partner may change his mind in the future?

Ella

Op you have to assume that if you stay with him, you won't have a family, you can't make him decide by a particular date then hold him to it to a few years, he could easily change his mind again.
The only thing I can think to suggest is telling him you need time to think, take a few weeks away from him and see how you both feel. Does he know you are really struggling with his decision?

Your mum is right .100% listen to her.

Your mum is right

Like fuck is she.

@mydogisthebest I know, however op does want them so that isn't relevant. I don't think that many women who wanted children and didn't have them are happy with that decision.

I think OP is quite right in her most recent post. Go back to dp and say that you've thought it over (no need to mention that 1,000 people on MN were helping you!) and that you really do see yourself as a family unit in the future - say three or four years - and how does he honestly feel about that. An immediate call to procreate might panic anyone, but just a firm statement about what you want in life might elicit an honest answer.

GummyGoddess, Well from reading OP's posts it doesn't seem to me that she is 100% sure she wants children.

Of course there are women who wanted children and didn't have them for whatever reason that are not happy. There are also women who had children because they wanted them but are also not happy.

I know 2 women who had children because their husbands wanted children although they didn't. They also are not happy and both couples ended up divorced.

What about the man in this, is he not allowed to be happy? If he doesn't want children but agrees to have them because OP wants them he could end up unhappy and then their relationship will most likely end.

What about the man in this, is he not allowed to be happy?

Of course he is, that's why no one is saying "force him to agree with you" or "flush your bc pills down the toilet". Everyone is just saying that if you two want different things in life it may be best to amicably end things.

I would give up my chance of having children for no man. No man in the world. I wouldn't leave a man I loved because he was infertile but I would if he wouldn't try to help me get children through other means, adoption, IVF. I probably would not have said this before having children as I didn't realize how much they would mean but I will advise my children to seek children if they want them whether that means leaving someone or not. It is not like giving up your dream of having a dog or driving a fancy car or travelling.

Firstly OP, I think all these delaying tactics you're employing - or anticipating needing to employ if there were a future relationship - serve no purpose whatsoever. DH and I met and married within six months and, 20 years down the line, we appear to have got away with it!

Secondly, we don't have children (not through choice). We have embraced the "life unexpected" and it's bloody brilliant so you can have a life without children and it not be second best.

But so far as your situation is concerned, I think you have two choices.

1. You leave him now and look for someone new. He's gone. You may never meet another "one".

2. You have the conversation with him. It's a bit of a gamble but it sounds like he would go ahead with a family. So you have your family. Here's the gamble: he either all-out embraces family life (if he's as wonderful as he sounds, I bet he will) and you have your dream family. Or, somewhere down the line, he can't cope and leaves. But you have your children.

Either way, from reading between the lines, your relationship sounds a bit rigid. I think you both sound like you need to loosen up a bit and be a bit more spontaneous - I don't mean in terms of let's go for brunch, I mean in terms of let's see where life takes us.

I can understand your mother being cross and upset. She's projecting for sure but that's because, as far as she's concerned, he has upset her girl. All hail the lioness protecting her cub

Finally, don't allow him to subjugate your wants and desires - you are just as important. Even if it means you have to leave. My main worry would be that it seems you've already convinced yourself he'll only agree to children to keep you, not because he really wants children.

@Charlotte, great post 😊

Are you ASD, op?

If I were you then I would be pressurising him to have children. I know that sounds wrong but it doesn't sounds like he's sure. Once all your friends have families he will probably end up changing his mind but by that time you will be older and could have more difficulty conceiving. Don't just fall in with him, push your agenda. Obviously if he continues to say no then you just need to decide whether to stay or go but don't sit on the fence now, you will regret it in a few years. Maybe he would agree to just having one child, then you will get more back to how you are now sooner.

If I were you then I would be pressurising him to have children. I know that sounds wrong

Yes it sounds wrong and it is bloody wrong. No one would be telling a bloke to pressure his wife or girlfriend to procreate. Sweet Jesus.

Having a sensible discussion and even setting a sort of deadline/ultimatum - but phrasing it the right way - is not the same thing as "pressuring" someone.

Yes tell him you definitely want children and see what he says.

Yes pressurising is probably the wrong word. I mean that I would clearly articulate that it is very important to me to have children and that I would really really like to. And ask him to seriously consider starting a family.

Wordthe I thank you

How are you feeling now AdamMichael?