Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

You guys are what, 30?
You’ve got time. You really have. Minds change. He may begin to really contemplate the possibility of having kids. The fact of the matter is, he’s given it thought and for now he’s thinking ‘maybe not’. Don’t panic. I know quite a few ‘I’ll never have kids’ couples who had - wait for it- kids.

My mum went crying to her mum, who in turn cried upon learning the man she was with didn’t want kids. Well, he ended up having 3 kids with my mum, me being one of them . She was 37 when she had me.

Not being ready yet is quite different than not wanting kids at all.

Are you feeling broody? How do you feel when friends have babies? Do you feel disappointed that you’re not in that number or do you feel at peace with where you’re at?

MiniTheMinx preach! 💪
Seriously the best words of wisdom I’ve read anywhere in ages.

Worst thing I ever did was give up what was important to me for someone else.

I can't ever get back what I gave up and I broken by it.

Will he ever appreciate the enormous and life altering sacrifice you will make by not having children?. will you be able to live with the growing resentment when he has everything he wants but you don't in the most profound way? How will you feel when your friends start to have children?

If you were certain you didn't want children it would fine, but you aren't.

Btw, it is nearly always women who give up what they want for their partners.

It seems that women can go from "I don't want kids" to "it could be nice" to "I need one right now" around your age, with feelings changing or becoming clearer in the next few years. If that happens, it's generally not a transient thing, nor something that can be easily ignored. Even if you don't feel a primal urge to have children during your early thirties, it could hit later on. It can be like a switch being flipped. The intensity of feeling may be like when you met your partner, it can really take women by surprise.

Also as others have said, by age 40, even without children you may feel "been there done that" about how you spent your twenties. People often look back at that time fondly but don't mind that this period has passed, their lifestyles and priorities have changed, and that you spend your time and money differently now.

Whatever you do, just be honest with yourself. If the idea of him saying "actually I'd prefer not to" makes you sad, then don't ignore that.

Deadringer, well yes I sometimes think hobbies are overrated! I've never really got into anything, get quickly bored, although I have sometimes regretted not doing certain things whilst young enough, but funnily enough family commitments messed that up, having an unsupportive husband didn't help.

No woman at 30 thinks "oh I've got plenty of time to have kids".

We just don't.

I think you're wrong there. Now there's a bit more publicity about fertility, but the only warnings I ever heard were about the exceptional likelihood of an unwanted pregnancy. Just as broodiness flicks a switch, so does the mania about one minute trying to avoid getting pregnant at all costs, and then the next manically trying to get pregnant.

So, perhaps it boils down to how much does he love you, and would he do everything in his power to make you happy and to keep you two together.

Sorry but that is rubbish. Having a DC doesn't prove how much you love someone and him agreeing just to keep OP happy is a recepie for disaster.

No one should be pushed into having DC.

So much rubbish being spouted on this tgread.

*thread

Bishbosh, ah you've taken that out of context haven't you. I meant in view of the fact (as others have given evidence of) men who leave to go on and have children with other women.

It’s odd IMO to envisage that should your current relationship end you would prefer to be single forevermore than be with anyone else! You got together at 20 and have been together a long time, but unless you genuinely prefer being single for other reasons - nothing wrong with that if so - there’s no reason to think no one else could match up!

If you want DC and he truly doesn’t that is now a huge incompatability.

@TheVanguardSix but what if he doesn't, and then doesn't tell her until 35 or 36, leaving her with so little time to meet someone new, fall in love, move in, marry and have children before menopause.

Thanks everyone. I am taking every point on board. I am just struggling with the idea of leaving the relationship. I can't express how happy I am in it, it would honestly break my heart. I know lots of people are saying he will go on to cheat or go on to have kids with a young woman but of course I can't say I agree with that... I know him and I know how much he loves me. Of course everyone who it happens to says that, but there is no reason your husbands won't cheat with his coworker secretly etc etc but of course everyone will assume they won't and rightly so.

I know many will say I'm unrealistic but when I was younger like back in my teens even, I was one of these people that never kissed anyone, never did anything with anyone else, I actually used to say to my mum how I never wanted to be with anyone, not because I didn't like sex or anything, but the personalities of men in general made me think it would be impossible. My partner came along and just surprised me massively, we became friends through an interest in feminism and he would always be the one to raise a topic that was important to me first (so before he even knew it was important to me) and honestly, still now, I haven't come across any man in my whole 30 years that would even be a close friend like he was before we were together, due to them just not having that same level of interest in the areas that were important to me (and I have a lot of friends) so that's without even bringing sex and everything else into it and actually him becoming my partner. He's really just so perfect and it's just everything we do is so fucking enjoyable and like I say, he'd give in to a child if it meant he was losing me BUT I know he would feel sad that I pushed that on to him to make that huge decision because we have always been very fair to each other. He has said he doesn't want to deprive me of being a mother if that's what I really want but that he really just wants to feel ready and if he's being honest with me, he just doesn't right now.

If we were to have a child, he would want to split childcare 50/50 and go part time. Everything in our lives is genuinely 50/50 and it would be important for him to be a hands on dad and he has said this in previous conversations, so yeah this might be why he doesn't feel ready just yet, as I know in his head he has set ideas on how he wants to be as a dad.

I don't know. I really don't.

There is a difference between not wanting to become a parent now, and never wanting to. The issue is that if you wait 2 years and he then doesn’t wish to marry and ttc and you do, you will be two years older which may (or may not) increase risks of fertility issues.

IME parenthood is a massive test of a man’s true attitudes on equality. Unless there have been big prior decisions made, eg where to live. That said, if a man shares domestic work, treats you well and seems to have good views that’s a start!

The end of relationships, good or bad, are often very painful. Especially when in love with the person. But wanting and not being able to have DC could also be very painful.

It was odd to assume, as a teen, that “men” were a certain way or that you wouldn’t meet anyone great. And you did!

Like a pp said earlier a million people who love a relationship like yours.
Seriously love does not come round the corner every day.

A child needs a mum and dad who love each other.

You could split up and never find that again.

If course you could go the sperm doner route.
I have a friend who did this at 40.
She really happy.

Maybe at 30 you are readdressing how your life has turned out.

Sounds good so far but is the baby a red herring.
Is there some area in your life you're not happy with ?
Your job?
Your house?
Even the way you look?

Maybe worth seeing what else is going on under the surface.

I could never have not had dc. I knew it in my head that if I couldn’t have them it would have really affected me l. Even now with just one I’m so so grateful. No man would ever be worth making a sacrifice for having dc.
If you’re in the boat I’d move on. I too would expect a vasectomy to be planned if he didn’t want dc. A man is more than capable of making decisions as well. It shouldn’t just be left to a wishy washy explanation.
It’s fine he doesn’t want dc or might not but it’s not fine with you. Don’t sit and say ah ten years. You’ll move on. People do.

Btw I don’t think he’s been selfish because he’s told you the truth. It’s now up to you to decide whether or not you stay childless. Again nothing wrong with having no dc but would be the wrong decision imo if you did really want a dc.

Most of us don’t think our relationship will end, but 50% of marriages do and a higher proportion of dating / cohabiting relationships. Relationship starting at 20 probably makes chances higher too.

I'm mid-40's.

My DH dithered about kids for years but ultimately decided he didn't want them. I think he pretty much knew but didn't want to upset me. We can discuss this stuff tho, which helps. Well, we can now!

I think if I'd been more definite, he'd have gone along with me. I faffed for my entire 30's but in the end, time ran out.

For us, it's ok. People tease me that my pets are my kids and they're probably not wrong. Christmas can be a bit sad but overall, probably for the best.

Don't faff tho, make a decision and action it.

You know it's good you've talked.

It sounds like it's not a deal breaker yet because of your ages.

You could talk to him more about his fears of parenthood.

Even if you do split it doesn't mean it's forever?

If he is waiting to feel ready it is never going to happen. Maybe you need to talk to him about just going for it. It doesn't sound like he is really against the idea, just scared of making the leap, which is perfectly normal, because its a scary thing to do.

Yes lol but I was an odd teen but then I also have the opinion of not wanting to "date". I like being a friend first, getting to know them in general, no "fake ness" to keep the dating going well etc etc and like I say, I've only just felt like marriage is now the right time for me, as I said, I wanted to wait several years. For me to do that again now means finding an awesome friend tomorrow and even then I'd be 43 to be at the same level I am at now with the man I love.

Of course when children come along they are your everything but right now, there is no child, so of course I view the thought of losing him harder.

God I don't know, so hard. I do appreciate the response here, I really do. It just seems people find it so easy to discard such an amazing relationship...

The decision is yours to make. Do you want kids or not. I know so many people where the man didn’t want kids. They divorce whatever and guess what the men have children. Men are not under a time pressure. I had my second child just before my 40th birthday so you have plenty of time but if you do want kids you also need to meet someone who does too, difficult decisions.

I left a relationship just before I was 30. Met him at university. But he didn’t want kids or marriage. I thought he would change. He didn’t. Now at 54 he is still not married and no kids. Meanwhile I moved on, met someone, married and had first child at 37.

For me this would be a deal breaker, only you know what this is for you.

I understand that your relationship feels amazing, and I thought I couldn't love anyone more than my DH - but looking at my perfect little boy who is so funny and intelligent and beautiful, DH pales into insignificance!