Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

OP from your post it looks like your OH has thought through his reasons quite deeply to reach his conclusion.

Looks like you are not as compatible as you assume if your near term future outlook is very different from each other. This is a fundamental divergence of needs and wants and will blight and erode the relationship overtime.

He has been very clear that he doesn’t even see himself as a “Dad” - which has a finality about it.....ie not just wait until we have done x,y,z.

What is your OH’s experience of family life? Are his parents family orientated or did they see parenting as drudgery?

I would not be hoping that he will reconsider or be swayed in your fertility window. That would be quite a miserable place to be for you both.

As for your DM - does she not like your OH, does she consider him selfish anyway? Does she see the relationship as unequal? Maybe that was behind her reaction.

Sorry you’re going through this. I can see why you’re finding it so upsetting but as others have said - it’s really good that he’s been honest with you. While my own personal opinion is that you’ll never love another adult as much as you love your child(ren), I cant speak for anyone else and only you can decide. He’s as entitled to not want kids as you are to want them but the question is how you move on from here and build a future you’d both feel happy and fulfilled by. I’d really recommend you go and talk this through properly with a relationship counsellor. My DH and I had a very difficult time deciding whether to go for a third baby or not. We went to see a relationship counsellor to talk about it (we went through TLC) and it was really good to have someone compassionate and objective there so we could talk freely and openly, without feeling either of us feeling we had to censor what we were saying to avoid hurting the other’s feelings.

The thing is, I don't think he feels he can give a straight answer as I genuinely think he doesn't know what he would prefer. Like I say, he'd probably have children if I was like "no we are having kids or I'm gone" but that's not how I want it. That's so awful.

Yeah we are both just 30, so we do have some more time. I can't see myself being with anyone else but yes of course if we divorced at some point down the years, I wouldn't be saying that but I think I'd be prepared to live my life without children.

My mum actually adored him as a person but got quite angry and very much "he won't have kids with you?" But she is very traditional and sees a relationship a fail if it doesn't lead to children by choice and doesn't see the point in "not reproducing".

His upbringing was not amazing and I'm sure that might have something to do with it. I think being a parent scares him, he has always said "being a parent would be nice and to be a parent I never had would be amazing" but then he goes very off of it, like oh I can't see myself being a dad, having a child that depends on me. I really think he's so torn himself.

Would you consider discussing a point in the future when he has to decide either way (in a year, 2 years, six months)? Your fertility will decline over the next few years so instead of keeping you dangling, he should be prepared to make a decision, so that you can decide whether to stay or go.

Don’t underestimate the physical craving for a child which may hit you at some point. To want a child and not be able to have one is actually physically painful. Is he worth that if his answer is a no?

He knows that he just has to keep you dangling for a few more years and then you'll be his forever and he will get what he wants
and you won't

Your mum's response is awful.

I have a female friend who never wanted children. Her mum was like yours. Said things like "no man will want you if you won't have children". Hideous things to say.

Friend got married. Five years later divorced because he thought she would change her mind about not wanting children. Cue mother doing the whole "told you, all decent men want children" shit once more.

Suffice it to say friend is now very happy with man who doesn't want children and has very little to do with her mother.

Back in the day men could be reasonably confident that women would bear most of the burden of child rearing
Nowadays we expect them to step up and do their share, I predict that increasing numbers of men will be very reluctant to have children

MightyMoose - keep your @ to yourself, thanks. I assume you have never come across the use of the word argument to mean a reason in support of a belief as opposed to a disagreement?

OP. ShatnersWig speaks a lot of sense here in all his posts.
You are on a website predominantly used by mothers, with strong views on the benefits of motherhood. You will not get a balanced view on here. You will get many more people confidently stating that you should end the relationship and you will never be fulfilled without reproducing. That is not fair or balanced. None of us know the full picture of your life and what the best decision is for you. I would never have thrown away an otherwise good relationship, on the off chance of meeting someone else, and maybe having kids with them. I am sorry that all the people saying leave have upset you. Don’t be swayed by randoms on the internet. Your last post makes it sound like the discussion is still open. Not being ready yet is not the same as never.

Some celebrity examples are Debbie Harry and Stevie Nicks. Both long term with men who were all for mutual careers and no children. Both exes now have younger partners and families. Both women have spoken about how it's tough coming to terms with that.

He knows that he just has to keep you dangling for a few more years and then you'll be his forever and he will get what he wants
and you won't

Know him personally do you? No thought not

Well, as others have observed, the fact that the OP is on here asking the question implies that she is not at peace with the no children decision.

If she were completely confident in the choice not to have children, the idea of posting on the internet about it wouldn't cross her mind.

At 30 it's not an urgent situation with this dp, but if he is adamant that it's a no, then she does need to come to terms with the fact that she needs to break up, get over that, look for someone else and then find a suitable someone else if she wants to have dcs.

Wordthe, I agree.

I'm inclined to think men have been a little ambivalent in the past. It was a social obligation they met in order to acquire wife work. Now wife work no longer really exists and men are expected to make the same sacrifices of career and life style freedoms, coupled with greater choice due to contraception men are more inclined to make this all about "choice"

To top it all, even those who choose to have children and marry still feel entitled to wife work despite also insisting our equality with them is contingent upon working as many hours for as much pay as them. That is where liberal feminism has landed us.

From your last post, it sounds more like a not now than I not ever - 30 is still young. I think if you both keep communicating openly this doesn’t have to be the time to walk away.

Also, just to add - alot of posters seem to be suggesting all women want to be mothers but actually I don’t think this is a man/ woman issue - my DH just had a heart wrenching conversation with my BIL who maybe wants kids and whose wife definitely doesn’t. It’s a big decision in lots of relationships and much more complex than an Internet forum can do justice to - hence my advising relationship counselling to explore it properly.

Gosh, aren't you lovely @ElvisParsley. The OP asked for opinions. I gave mine but clearly I've hit a nerve for you...hope you feel better soon.

OP you seem to be looking for a way to more deeply explore how you feel about having kids. It's a big question. Perhaps a therapist might help you to figure out what's best for you. Good luck Op!

You love this man, really LOVE him, Its sounds to me like he really loves you and you are able to have difficult conversations together. There are many people (including me) who have never had that.
I would sit tight for a little while, and see what unfolds.

You mother is thinking about herself, grandchildren, what she would want. Her response was TOTALLY out of order. discount it. Talk with your partner, negotiate your feelings together. I think you will be ok and probably go on to have a family

30 is not that young. You could be with him for another 5 years with your fingers crossed that he'll change his mind only to have to start from scratch with dating or going it alone to have a child.

It's your choice and it's a shitty choice but were it mine, I'd leave and choose having children.

Thanks MightyMoose, I am lovely. Glad it comes across is my posts.

Yes you nailed it, @Mini agreeing to have children was what men did in order to acquire the services of a wife
it was a win-win for the man because he got a servant wife and he didn't have to get too involved with childcare
now it's a lose-lose for the man because women are no longer prepared to serve men and they expect them to do their share of childcare
On a wider scale what we will see is a dwindling population, lots and lots of elderly people with no young people to look after them

Yes your mother is out of order and speaking out of naked self interest
you should ignore her

I think ultimately you do want children but you're trying to get it all cut and dried now. I still say at 30 this chap is too young. I know men have more time on their sides and there's no hard and fast rules and no guarantees either. That's life. But OP you have already got to that stage now I think. You could for the time being compromise and wait a year or two and not actually discuss it at all in the meantime. Pressures off then and it should give you a better perspective.

Thanks for the clarification OP.

I reread your first post and you said that you've always wanted children.

And now you seem ready and he's not and he's being wishy washy and vague about it which is fine for him because he doesn't have a finite fertility time like you do.

He says he's not ready yet. I must say that nobody is every completely ready. If everyone waited until they were 100% ready, humans probably would have died out long ago.

The reason why we mums are so concerned and blunt because we know the love for our children and we know women who have waited around for a guy to be ready only to be screwed over after her fertile days were over and he went on to have several right away with someone else.

So this is not a situation were both people definitely never wanted any for x reasons. Like people who call themselves childfree and they mean it and that's how they want to live their lives.

You say you would feel bad forcing the issue but he won't feel a bit sorry about your fertile period passing and him trotting off to have kids with someone else. You never hear the guys being sorry they screwed a woman over that way.

So put your wants about this first, not his. You have to because I guarantee he won't.

I also agree with seeking counselling about this issue for your own peace of mind. Also set a time limit of say 6 months or a year as he has shown he will drag it on for another 10 -20 years with no decision. Besides, no decision is a decision when you think about it.

He knows that he just has to keep you dangling for a few more years and then you'll be his forever and he will get what he wants
and you won't

And then if he changes his mind he can always go and find a younger partner. Men can become fathers anytime.

I am in my 40s, I've seen this happen to many friends of mine. Men saying "not yet not yet not yet" and then after a decade it turns into "maybe not ever but let's see". And then when the woman is past her fertile age the man decides "well maybe I do want it after all!" and goes and finds a younger woman to have his children.

This is a hard position for you to be in

On the time thing ask again in 6 months or a year, let him know you’ll ask again then and say think about it pls

Counselling together sounds good too

He isn’t the bad guy but waiting too long will make it harder for you if you want a family. You’re young In the grand scheme of things but always trickier for a woman.

I think you are seeing men in rather a negative light there, Wordthe . I don't think most men get married to have a servant nor do they want to avoid having dcs. The past is another country - wives tended to stay at home and do all the chores and childcare because that was the way of the world. I'm entirely sure that my father didn't marry my mother in order to get a servant! And he couldn't have loved his dcs more. Likewise dh. He was desperate for dcs. And if he wanted a servant, he could have chosen much more wisely!

I doubt The OP will leave it until it's too late then he dumps her.