Giving up the chance to ever be a mother for my partner?

[AdamMichael]

My partner is my absolute world. The person who I never thought existed. He really is perfect for me in every way and the love and connection I have for him is indescribable. He was my first ever love/partner and honestly, I love him even more now, it's literally only got better and better.

We of course spoke about children very early on (we started off as just friends) and we both agreed children would be nice, but no time soon (we were 20 at the time) we have enjoyed our life together for 10 years and we both said back when we were 20, we wanted to do everything as a couple before ever bringing children into this world and honestly, that's exactly what we have done. I recently brought up children and he said he had been thinking about it too and he said he doesn't feel he wants to have children right now and admits he doesn't know it will change. He says he really does like children (we have lots of children in the extended family) but thinks that he isn't quite sure he wants to be "Dad" and have his own. I get what he's saying, we enjoy so much together, we still enjoy being lazy on a Saturday and spending the day catching up on TV shows and films. We have a hobby we both love to do and he thinks bringing a child will absolutely mean they come first before any of that and says he isn't quite sure that's what he wants and will make him the happiest in life.

I always did want children but I honestly think I have to think of what I have here and now and I just can't let him go for a child that doesn't exist yet. The thing is I told my mum and she started crying??? Telling me it's the wrong decision and that he is selfish and really basically knocking him and making out like he is in the wrong and that this relationship will no longer last and in the future I will regret never going with someone else to have children. She is divorced and claims it'll happen to me and the only reason she kept going was because she had children etc etc

Honestly I am now like wtf I don't know what to think and I just felt I needed to ask others. Thanks.

@2019Dancerz I don't think you can live in Spain for 3 months, then Germany, then America, then Australia with a child. I'm sorry but moving them around that frequently would be unfair just for the hell of it and I wouldn't do that with a child anyway. I'm just explaining different life experiences that would happen without a child.

I've heard it said that the child of lovers is a lonely child.

It sounds to me that - at the moment - there isn't room in your relationship for a child and that your OH is right to say that it would change things irrevocably.

You're 30 and whilst you don't have forever, you probably have a little time left to work out what you want.

I think you are talking nonsense however about how long it would take you to form a relationship in which you'd be happy to have a child. You can't possibly know that, you've no experience. Lots of people meet marry and have a child on the way within a year (or in my BF's case fall in love and pregnant in 3 months - child is 9 now, they are all very happy).

I remember being with a man and I told everyone I'd rather just live with him than not have him at all. I wanted marriage and kids. He didn't. Was trying to convince myself I think. Twenty odd years later married to someone else with a bunch of kids.

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis many people do. Many marry in the first year and are happy but I do know myself and my preference, yes. Like I say, it is a preference for me to not marry for several years into a relationship even though I though he was "the one" at 20, so I do know myself and it isn't "nonsense"

I think you have a highly romanticised view of adoption & fostering!

I think you're also massively underestimating the biological urge you will likely start to feel as your age reaches a point where having your own child becomes vanishingly unlikely.

I have friends who are child free by choice, who are childless not by choice and who had children later in life for a variety of reasons.

I've yet to come across a successful relationship that's lasted where one party wanted children and the other didn't - and not always the woman that wanted children.

There's no compromise possible and the resentment builds & infects the relationship until it breaks down.

That's why you have to be honest and not hang about time wise.

Wise words from a PP who said "The difference is that you're giving up something and he isn't giving up anything."

Take heed. When it comes to conceiving time is something you cannot turn the clock back on and nothing comes with guarantees.

30 is a good age for your to cut your losses and start again if you need to. It is a totally different ball game when you are older.

He needs to consider your needs and biological situation as well if he really cares as much about you as you do him.

Good luck in your joint final decisions.

@Graphista I work within a social care setting, not directly as a social worker, but I definitely do know in detail about the process and everything it entails, it's not just a lovely idea I have thought of.

Carrying my own child genuinely isn't something that's super important to me, when I say I want to have a child, I do of course plan for it to be biologically my own, but that isn't the bit that's a omg I need that. It's the raising of the child. Of course many women will tell me that oh but you 100% will feel like that in the future, but who knows.

I know I don't sound 100% clear and decided in my posts but that's really why I wanted to post to kind of line my views out and see others. So thank you all for that

Adoption isn't a consolation prize for not having your own children, you have to want to adopt and help what is likely to be a troubled child, they will need a lot of extra care and it takes some very special people to be able to do that. I could not do it based on the adopted children that I know.

Sorry but I disagree - that was how it panned out and worked in your first and only relationship - other future relationships might not be the same you would only know when they happened. So saying at 30 it would take you till 43 to be ready to be a mother with another partner is - catastrophising? inventing a reason that is not there to stop you considering it as a possibility.

As a pp said if the relationship feels this perfect but yet, yet, yet you still have this urge to have a child that you can't quite quell (which will change it entirely) then you should examine it at least.

When i met my dh i was straight, dont string me along i want a family if you dont jog on. Obviously not on our first date lol. Its your life you have to think when ur 50 will you be happy to be childless. When i was 20 and 30 kids were not even on my radar, by the time i was 35 i was baby mad could only think of having babies it was like life or death. As you get older you see life differently. No way did i think at 35 id be baby mad. I was enjoying the good life. Your mum is worried this may happen to you and then its too late. Plus trust me when you want a baby, all you see is babies its like something you cant control. I couldnt get pregnant and its pure heartache, i was suicidal. Eventually we adopted but the emotional pain of wanting a child will never leave you. Make your decision wisely.

OP do you and your dp live in a variety of countries for three months at a time, or is this a future plan? Why not do it now, if you want to? (Not sure how that fits with jobs but presumably you do!) Pre school age children could go anywhere with you, it gets harder after that. But you might find you don’t want to travel as much. I do think you sound immature and that’s not really a criticism as I would have been exactly the same at 30. I didn’t have dc until late 30s but that was not without its complications and I wouldn’t recommend it if you’ve a choixeZ

but the reality is, I only want children and that family unit with him and if I can't have that, I'd rather not have it at all.
And that is your answer.
It's actually a very healthy attitude.
As long as you work at your relationship then there is every chance you two will be together a long and happy time / with or without children.

AldiLidlDeeDee said it best.

Im nearly 60 and have seen far too many men wait with a woman until it's too late for her to have them, ....leave that relationship and have a family while she gets nothing but a cat or dog.

Dc are hard work. Dh didn't want them until we had a miscarriage and he mourned and realized how much he did.

He's an excellent father. But still says it was my idea...without rancor.

He agrees now that it was/is worth it.

My dear grann told me, "if you wait until you're ready. You'll never have children."

Be thoughtful. Also. I don't think that there is only one perfect match. But what do i know?
Best wishes.

@GummyGoddess I'm fully aware. It's something I'd give up my life to try and do though if I was 40 something with no partner (because he cheated and left me ()) and longed to raise a child in some way. Like I say, I'm aware of the challenges it faces. This is of course no where near a plan even on the table yet... I obviously assume he isn't going to leave and cheat on me when I'm too old to carry my own children... I originally spoke about adoption before biological children early on anyway, but we agreed that we were not even decided on children at that point.

Also, I'm not saying there is only 1 perfect match, but all I am saying is that not one guy I have come across in my whole life has even the personality to be my close friend (ofc apart from my current DP) just general comments and views that aren't a deal breaker in a casual friendship but of course are for any kind of chemistry or even close friendship. It's about finding that again in someone else.

I don't envy you. It does sound rather one sided though, you giving up your wish for children rather than have him feel 'sad'that you forced him into having them. The big difficulty, as so many have said, is that for you there is a time limit on fertility whereas he can decide to father a child virtually up to his final day.

There is a very elderly couple in our family. For years he 'wasn't sure'he wanted children, so she waited. Until one day it was too late. I could cry for her when I see the expression on her face when we used to take our DCs and now, our dgc to visit. Such love, but such a deep sadness.

It's not necessarily that he would cheat on you and then have children with someone else (which I have seen), but if like me you woke up one day and suddenly you wanted a baby almost as much as you wanted oxygen, you might end up resenting him which would destroy the relationship.

I tried desperately to ignore it as I had always been adamant I didn't like children and never wanted them. I think I lasted about 3 days before informing DH that I wanted to TTC immediately after the wedding which was just under a year away. All I thought about was a baby, I bought baby clothes, bedding, toys, prep machine, books, absolutely everything before even starting TTC. My diet, supplements and workouts were geared towards a baby, I was tracking periods to ensure I knew when was best to try for the entire time. I joined pregnancy forums and spent most of my spare time reading them. I'm just trying to get across to you how I had gone from actively not wanting them to becoming totally obsessed literally overnight. I couldn't ever have ignored that and decided to stay with DH if he'd said he may not want them.

Personally I couldn’t stay. It sounds like he’s led you on a bit regarding having children ‘later’ too. If you definately didn’t want children then it would be fine but having the issue hanging over your relationship would cause resentment.

Also, the love I have for my child is immeasurable. I of course love my DH too but it is a different type of love.

Personally if I was in this situation I'd let him know that having children is something I definetely want to do, but I'm happy to give him some time to think about what he wants, with a view to talk about it again in the near future. I'd give myself a deadline to discuss it again, and decide what we BOTH wanted then. Remembering that you have a much smaller timeframe than him to have children, and he needs to respect that, he can't just keep you hanging there saying "maybe one day" as that's really unfair, at least a definite "NO" would make your decision clearer and easier. Neither of you should have to compromise on a decision so huge and life changing, so if you don't both want the same things, agree to part. That's not giving him an ultimatum, it's just saying that your goals in life aren't following the same paths anymore so you have to go your separate ways. No one should be denied the opportunity to raise children, and equally no one should feel forced to do it when they don't want to. For me, having children wasn't too high on my agenda for most of my earlier adulthood, and then suddenly I had a huge overwhelming urge to become a mother, and it has been the absolute best thing in the world. Completely lifechanging, and obviously challenging sometimes, but on the whole, the most incredible experience that every human being should have the right to enjoy should they wish to.

OP this is my first LTB (except he isn't being a bastard he's being honest)

Seriously if you think you want children in future do not underestimate how hard broodiness can hit as your fertility declines. Don't compromise on something so important.

Before I married my DH we talked about children and were on the same page, we didn't see children in our future. At your age I was happy to never have children, but in my late 30s broodiness hit me like a sledgehammer.

It is too late for me to leave and start over, and anyway I love my husband. He's agreed to try because he knows it is so important to me but realistically we're both a bit old, and I might have to face up to never being a parent.

Please think very carefully before you gamble with your fertility. So much changes in your 30s.

Unfortunately, OP, you have just found out that decisions over whether or not to have children can be deal-breakers.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Wanting children is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice and you are absolutely entitled to make it.

Your partner has done absolutely nothing wrong. Not wanting children is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice and he is absolutely entitled to make it.

Your mother was completely out of order and her criticism of your partner was very unfair. She should have been much more supportive of you, because the reality is that you now have very, very difficult decisions to make. I wish you well with whatever you choose.

Hi myself and my now husband were the opposite to you guys. He was always more broody. We have been together 11 and half years and married for one and half. We are both 32 this year. If you had asked me over the past 10 years did I want kids I was meh maybe. They are annoying little shits but maybe eventually.

It wasn’t until I was 31 that I actually started getting broody. People are having children later and later these days so please don’t think you have to make any decisions just yet. Your partner may change his mind like I did.

Yeah I think I need to have a serious discussion that I see children in my future and it's something that I want and see how he will be with it being so direct and a must.

This dilemma has been picked up by an Irish radio talk show and us being discussed on air.

GummyGoddess, plenty of women choose not to have children and I am pretty sure they do not feel they have missed out on the experience.

To read this thread you would think that every mother thinks having children has been the best thing she ever did even if she no longer has a husband or partner.

In reality lots of women say if they could go back in time they would choose not to have children. I know the majority of my friends say it and most of them blame their marriage breakdown on having children.

I don't know if most of my friends have been unlucky but as their children have got older the more hassle they have caused. They all have grown up children, most have grandchildren.