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Original poster

dh and porn- I can't get over it

258 replies

Dogmum21 · 16/01/2019 19:48

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 16/01/2019 19:50

With the best will in the world it is his body and not a reflection on you what he chooses to do with it. It's not a failing on yours or his part. Don't worry if you usually have a good relationship.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 16/01/2019 19:52

Everyone masturbates. I don't see the issue there.

Is it porn you don't like? There's a lot of problems in the porn industry and most would agree that the things going on behind the scenes makes it all seedy, disgusting and dangerous so I can understand your anger that he was supporting an industry like that.

He was at it the second he thought you'd gone out... that would worry me as it would make me think that he's really sexually frustrated or not getting enough from me. He is allowed to feel like that and he needs to be allowed to get off in other ways. And at least he's doing that instead of pestering you for more than you're comfortable giving...

Moussemoose · 16/01/2019 19:56

Is it the masturbation or the porn that's the issue.

If it's the masturbation then it's really non of your business.

If it's the porn that's a whole conversation you need to have with him.

Feckers2018 · 16/01/2019 20:00

Yes I know what you mean. The mistake I made was to take it personally. Also it depends how often. My h was doing it like a man possessed twice a day. So it was an addiction. I wasted so much time bothering about this that in the end it was making me nuts. I really thought it was a bad reflection on me and behaved badly. Something in me couldnt take it at all. So years later I can now see it for what it is and am horrified at my behaviour. Very self destructive.

Cookmysock1 · 16/01/2019 20:03

Terrible overreaction, poor man being shamed like that over something completley natural, you have issues not him

Dirtybadger · 16/01/2019 20:05

As per PP

Although I don't think masturbating twice a day constitutes an addiction. The issue comes when either masturbatio interferes with someones day to day life (being late for work, calling in sick, struggling to concentrate on normal tasks) or their personal life (not wanting to have sex at all with partner etc). Which might happen but might not at that frequency.

Porn, on the other hand, Is more an ethical and moral issue to be discussed with him if that's the issue.

SauvignonMum · 16/01/2019 20:05

This won't be popular on here, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I think most men do this

ashtrayheart · 16/01/2019 20:11

I understand people who have issues with porn for ethical reasons but this doesn’t sound to be the reason you are upset.
I think for most people it’s just a masturbatory aid and that’s it. I wouldn’t see it as cheating, but can understand how you might feel.

Moussemoose · 16/01/2019 20:11

I think most people masturbate.

Echobelly · 16/01/2019 20:11

I think you need to get this out into the open and let him know it's freaked you out and give him the opportunity to assure you. It's perfectly normal for guys in loving and sexually active relationships to look at porn. I find porn mystifying and silly myself, but I also get many/most blokes seem to get something out it, regardless of relationship status and I've not minded guys I'm with using it from time to time.

mogratpineapple · 16/01/2019 20:14

Probably here you will get a sway of most people telling you that it's normal and everyone does it. Studies show that it's around about just over half of men do it, usually if they do it in their twenties they will continue throughout their lives. It is harmless. Unless it takes the place of sex or becomes excessive or inappropriate.

I guess you're concerned that he hasn't discussed the need for masturbation or the use of porn, with you. Maybe you wonder if he's fantasising about other women. I get that, but while it's in his head it's harmless too.

But if it is an issue you're not ok with with, then that's ok too. You feel what you feel. Yes, it's his business/body but you have to decide if this something you can come to terms with or not. Communication is key. As always.

Babymamamama · 16/01/2019 20:16

I think many many men do this and you shouldn't feel too badly about it. I'm not excusing it but it's very very common. It isn't any reflection on you and he hasn't been unfaithful or at least that's the way I'd look at it.

sparklesq · 16/01/2019 20:19

I don't see why you are upset by this, and I also don't see why you couldn't talk about this with your friends. If I had a group of friends I couldn't talk about this with I'd be feeling very sad. Men watch porn, most people masturbate. It's not a reflection on you and it's nothing to make the man feel bad for. It's not one step away from cheating, it's many, many steps. He's touching HIMSELF and watching a screen.

Therighthonourable · 16/01/2019 20:23

Scientists tried to conduct research on why some men choose not to watch porn. They had to call the research off as they couldn't find any men who didn't.

I would be more worried if my partner didn't masturbate.

stuckbetweenlife · 16/01/2019 20:28

You can't expect your dp not to Masturbate or watch porn because you have issues unless you made an agreement at the start. He's not I hope forcing you to do it or watch it. And it's unfair to make him feel bad about it. It's his home and he should be able to do things he wants occasionally.
I mean poor guy thought you went out, ( didn't do it when you were in the next room) you caught him and made him feel bad and acted like it was cheating.
You need to talk to someone.

Bombardier25966 · 16/01/2019 20:35

I'm not excusing it but it's very very common

There's nothing to excuse, being in a relationship does not mean people can't still masturbate on their own.

Dogmum21, you mention issues when you were a child. Perhaps you could talk them through with a counsellor?

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/01/2019 20:38

Hi op

What I want you to know is this has nothing to do with your looks, performance etc it's just a means of speeding up a process of physical release. That's literally all it is. (Unless it takes away from your sexual relationship, or interferes with his existence; that's something else entirely)

It's just a shame 95% of it is aimed at men and inherently cringey, fake and tacky....

No one can tell you how to feel about it but I just want you to note the above.

Do you generally have an open and satisfying sex life?

Ozziewozzie · 16/01/2019 20:54

I’ve always assumed that most people Masterbate. I thought it was healthy.
I can understand why you feel the way you do as I guess you felt you were all your dh needed. That is very much still the case.
My dh watches porn. Not openly and he’s very private and actually embarrassed too. I don’t mind at all.
I grew up in a household full of males and they would too.....my dreadful mother would announce how she’d found certain material, magazines, videos etc.

I guess it’s just like a fantasy thing that you just want to keep to yourself and not share with anyone.
Lots of ladies fantasise about other women, but don’t ever actually want to carry it out in reality.
Lots of men do too.
I assure you it doesn’t mean he wants other things in real life it that you’re not enough. It’s slso not a ‘dirty’ thing to do.
In fact my boys at 13 were taught about it all in school. They came home with a booklet on it.

I do think though that you should share with your dh how it’s left you feeling do he has an opportunity to reassure you. I think this will help you do much more. If he feels scolded, or ashamed, he’ll just hide it and you will still be left feeling not good enough.

SexNotJenga · 16/01/2019 20:56

Masturbation is healthy and normal, in our out of relationships.
www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/masturbation-faqs/

mogratpineapple · 16/01/2019 21:09

All men have watched porn at some point. As I imagine everyone has. In reference to the article/study above

LellyMcKelly · 16/01/2019 21:16

Do you not ‘give yourself a little treat’ now and again? I have a healthy sex life with my DP, but sometimes I fancy some alone time with my rabbit and a dirty book.

HostaFireAndIce · 16/01/2019 21:58

All men have watched porn at some point.

Yes indeed. The article linked above does not say at all that all men watch porn. It says that one study looked for men in their 20s who had never seen porn and couldn't find any. That's very far from the same thing.

GhostSauce · 16/01/2019 22:04

I don't see an issue with the wanking. But I fucking hate porn (or any output of the sex industry) and I'd feel a bit grossed out by him.

Adora10 · 16/01/2019 22:14

No problem with partner masturbating both sexes do and it’s healthy. Him using porn, big problem for me and yes I’m entitled to not accept it in my relationship regardless of others saying it’s cool.