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Original poster

dh and porn- I can't get over it

258 replies

Dogmum21 · 16/01/2019 19:48

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/01/2019 09:35

Happy to address any points you think I’ve missed.

user1479305498 · 19/01/2019 11:21

Mm, mutual masturbation with porn, the romance of it—- if this is the way forward then to quote Peter Jones ‘I’m out’ . I am destined to become madcatwoman!!

GirlfriendInAKorma · 19/01/2019 11:32

@ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName - love your username!

gamerchick · 19/01/2019 11:45

Mm, mutual masturbation with porn, the romance of it

Grin
Moussemoose · 19/01/2019 11:56

Sometimes romance is good.
Sometimes dirty sex is good.

It's nice to have a choice.

auntsarent · 19/01/2019 12:03

Interesting that the majority seem pro porn. Describing it as just enjoying sex, no emotion, no reflection on partner etc. But if this was a ONS (which could be described in exactly the same way) there would be outrage on MN.

Mummyoftwokids · 19/01/2019 13:08

Let's be real here.

Porn is WATCHING ANOTHER NAKED WOMAN have sex.

You've every right to be upset.

It's different if you were aware he watched it and you agreed that you are ok with it. But it's like its never been a a conversation you've ever had together.

Porn can be destructive in a relationship so I'm never going to embrace that habit. He's not a single man. He's not a teenager. He's an adult with a woman WHO HAS NEEDS too. Make an effort to please her and she'll please you. No need for a quick hand job over a strangers video.

Productrecall · 21/01/2019 09:50

People have a tendency to hide behaviour that they think other people find shameful. If their partner didn't try to shame them over watching porn then they wouldn't hide it
That's bullshit in my case, the lies and secrecy were full on from the start, it had never crossed my mind, we had never had any shaming or negative conversations about porn beforehand, sex life was good and I'd gone along with all his previous suggestions. He didn't want me to know because he was ashamed of it. Not ashamed enough to stop, funnily enough...

Productrecall · 21/01/2019 10:21

Just because you don't want to have orgasms doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to. You aren't morally better because you come less.

And I hope you weren't still addressing me at this point (which I'm assuming, as you'd pasted part of my post at the top), because it would just go to show how ignorant your comments are sethis. I haven't said anything about not wanting orgasms, trying to stop others having orgasms, or being morally better because I come less. Neither has OP or anyone else on here, as far as I recall. What a stupid comment. Hmm
You seem completely unable to grasp that for some ppl, watching porn leads to lies and secrecy, despite having a good relationship otherwise. Nice for you and your partner to enjoy porn together - the big difference is that one of you approached the other about it and came to a mutual agreement, rather than hide away and do it solo, in secret. There's a vast difference, and it's because of the mindset of the porn user, generally. I bet most of those who view secretly haven't even mentioned it as an option to their partner at all, so it's on them that the relationship suffers when said partner finds out, if it therefore seems sleazy and shameful rather than a mutually enjoyed experience (non-exploitative stuff, obviously).

ReanimatedSGB · 21/01/2019 13:21

There are a great many things that can lead to lies and secrecy in a relationship: alcohol, shopping, gambling, eating habits (if one partner polices the other's weight, or if one has disordered eating, or if one is controlling). Yet these things can also simply be enjoyed in moderation, and only cause problems if one partner is controlling or otherwise unreasonable, or if the person who enjoys the thing has a problem with enjoying it responsibly.

user1479305498 · 21/01/2019 14:02

That’s the thing , ‘responsible use’ and honesty. If my H actually asked me if I ever used it(which he hasn’t) I would say maybe 6 times a year, usually when he has been away for a week and I was a bit bored and that would be the truth. When someone tells you they use it ‘very very occasionally when away’ and you know that to be a pack of lies and it’s a virtual daily thing , you start to feel like you are in an alternative universe. If they were honest, yep I might say something about it being too much for me to be ok with and maybe a bit of moderation please, but I wouldn’t LTB, when they simply cant be honest about it though , you start to wonder what else they are lying about

Productrecall · 21/01/2019 21:35

reanimated, yes, possibly, but when it is hidden and made to seem like a sleazy secret from the start by the user, I'm pretty sure this has some affect on the partner would see it. If I had found out and he'd laughed it off and offered to look together, that's a different thing.

I was clueless for a long time, them when asked out of interest, related to a friend, was flat out lied to. And again... What's the point in that, when I had shown no negative opinions previously? Porn leads to lies because the person using it can feel ashamed about that too, for whatever reason. It's very offensive to try and blame the partner being controlling in every case of a porn user lying about their porn use.
In our case, despite me suggesting (and us actually doing, for a short period) we watch stuff together, he wasn't interested in that, and went on to develop an actual addiction -all the while telling me he wasn't looking at all. And I was angry when I found out about those lies, of course I was, as there was no need. Now you tell me how that's caused by me being controlling, rather than him lying?

user1479305498 · 21/01/2019 22:48

Identical situation Product Recall, although mine didn't deny, I just didn't tell him exactly 'how' I knew, (and no not spyware, just checking router stats) stopped for 3 weeks and then started again about 5 times a week. Thing is if it was a couple of times a month and open I could live with it . Last time I mentioned it on a night out resulted in him going white as a sheet, clamming up and a stoney walk home in silence, at the moment I haven't said anything again but underneath I am sizzling to be honest. I just find it really disrespectful and a total turn off

Productrecall · 22/01/2019 01:52

It is disrespectful, user, isn't it? I'm not saying there should be a total ban on all porn in all cases, but it really annoys me how some ppl insist that the lies and secrecy which (can) arise from porn use is always because of the attitude of the porn user's partner. And they can't seem to understand that it's the lies and secrecy which caused the problems, not the porn per se. It's very blinkered. Angry

Namenic · 22/01/2019 05:36

It’s like someone having an EA and hiding it. By some people’s standards EA isn’t anything like a physical affair or ONS. But some people would see EA as worse than ONS. Either way - hiding stuff from partner because u think they would disapprove is wrong.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/01/2019 20:23

I don't believe I said that people only hide their interest in porn because of a controlling partner (though that probably is the case sometimes). A lot of people disapprove of masturbation and recreational sex as well as porn use, and someone who grew up being taught that anything to do with sex is disgusting and shameful might well have an unhealthy, obsession-level interest in porn and hide it from others.

I also think that partners need to sort out what are deal breakers and what they might compromise over between them and not fuss about what other people do.

Closetbeanmuncher · 22/01/2019 21:17

@Moussemoose

Yes and yes but dirty romance is where it's at WinkGrin

Productrecall · 22/01/2019 22:29

Yet these things can also simply be enjoyed in moderation, and only cause problems if one partner is controlling or otherwise unreasonable, or if the person who enjoys the thing has a problem with enjoying it responsibly.

@ReanimatedSGB your words above. Initially, h would have been enjoying it "responsibly', unless you are now saying it isn't responsible to hide it? So under your terms for causing a problem, that leaves the partner being controlling or otherwise unreasonable, which I can assure you I was not, as explained earlier.

Productrecall · 22/01/2019 22:49

In fact, I asked dh about it off the back of this thread, he said part of why he'd kept it secret was because he assumed I wouldn't be interested - because he thought it was something men did and women didn't. Not sure how true that is, but it certainly wasn't because of a controlling or unreasonable partner!

Maybe the attitudes of (a large proportion of porn using ) men in general towards porn is actually the biggest problem.

Mrsmummy90 · 22/01/2019 23:35

If it was a constant thing and affecting his life and your relationship then yes, it would be a problem.

If it's just once in a while, I really don't see what the issue is. It's his body and it doesn't mean he feels any less for you. In regards to the porn, I guess it's just escapism and a bit of a fantasy.

Seriously,almost everyone masturbates. It's a natural thing and he shouldn't be shamed for it.

MiniMum97 · 22/01/2019 23:37

You are massively overreacting. My DH lols at porn. Men are very visual and they generally like visual stimulus when masturbating. It's no reflection on you, how attractive he finds you or how much he loves you. I read erotic literature as this works better for me than pictures. My DH knows I do this and I know he occasionally looks at porn. It's really not a big deal.

BoatyMcBoatFace2 · 23/01/2019 07:53

Men are very visual

Erm, so are women...

ReanimatedSGB · 23/01/2019 10:13

Product recall, so the initial issue was that he'd been led to believe (by society in general) that all women disapprove of porn and that you would be angry if you knew he liked looking at it? I appreciate that he should have discussed it with you, but I can see why he didn't.

Bookfour · 24/01/2019 06:08

My guess is that men respond to visual stimuli more than women

StarlightLady · 24/01/2019 06:32

This is supposed to be a major problem? He has not attended an orgy without you or hired a call girl.

He’s a man! That’s what men do! And given your reaction, you can see why he tried to be discreet.

Really not worth worrying about in my view.