dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

“The industry does exploit women but I literally watch it because I like to”
Fair enough. Depressing, but fair enough.

It doesn’t stop me watching it...no.
The industry does exploit women but I literally watch it because I like to.

Christ.

“Both are entirely personal in my opinion and I hate the feminism porn shaming on here.“
Not sure what “porn shaming” means.........Do you mean pointing out the extremely dodgy ethics of the porn industry?

Stop jumping on people because I don’t agree with you. Acting like what I’m saying and my opinion is wrong because you don’t like porn. Stop copying my comments like I’m the anti Christ Jesus!

Sorry but you are porn shaming your literally jumping on other people’s opinions like watching porn is shameful when it really isn’t. If you think porn is shameful and wrong then sex is too.

I don’t think porn is wrong because of the sex. I think porn is wrong because it exploits women.

Tell him to only watch amateur homemade porn as that's not related to the industry. Or give him a fashion catalogue or tell him to watch the girls on EastEnders or something, problem solved

Still being able to regularly watch, never mind get off to porn, despite allegedly being aware of the exploitation involved is fucking shameful. Don’t trouble yourself to rub a couple of brain cells together if it inconveniences you and your orgasm.

A lot of high street shops exploit their workers and use sweat shops in third world countries. If you don’t watch porn just incase the woman starring in it has been exploited, then do you also research everything you buy incase the person who has made it has been exploited too?!

I don’t have an issue with my DP masturbating occasionally. It would only bother me if he was doing it far too often and it was impacting our sex life, or if I found out he had a fetish for watching women who were the total opposite to me (I once had an ex who was addicted to watching busty Asian women which couldn’t be more different to the way I look).

“Tell him to only watch amateur homemade porn as that's not related to the industry.“
Well, if he knows the people involved then that might be true.......

😂oh fuckoff!
Problem with mumsnet isn’t it! Get a lot of your kind trying to jump on people for having a totally different opinion. The need to try and insult
My intelligence.🙄
You sound like you could do with a play with your minge,might chill you out a bit and stop hating the world with different views and opinions.

@Frosty66611 👏🏼

You sound like you could do with a play with your minge,might chill you out a bit and stop hating the world with different views and opinions @donnas146

If only my husband had stopped at porn but they rarely do.

Same @madcatladyforever

Which I why I understand the point of view that it's one step away from cheating. With my ex, it ended with an affair.

I'm not saying this is the case for all men, absolutely not. Clearly from this post apparently lots of people watch porn with no ill effects. But that is not my experience.

My experience with my ex and porn was incredibly damaging.

@Mrsjoeblack can totally understand why you don’t like it because of that reason. For some people it is a step to cheating unfortunately but for some it’s definatly not. Sorry that happened to you.

I think most of us have moved away from the op's issue. She was shocked and hurt to discover something - that is the issue. He kept something of a sexual nature hidden. The rights or wrongs are irrelevant here (opinions) the op and her DH need to communicate and be more open from now on. That's all.

Well, you don't know if it was porn; there are other things you could look at to masturbate to.

But it sounds like you are upset by him wanting to masturbate at all, and see it as a sign that you are insufficient. That's not the case at all. I have a very sexy, satisfying boyfriend but still like to enjoy myself alone - not every day but pretty often. He does the same, no doubt.

Is your husband your first sexual partner? My exh was mine, and I always felt as if I didn't know enough about sex to be able to tell what was "normal" or enough / good enough for him. And I had an attempted rape at 14 that left me seeing all men as potentially violent or aggressive - and alien, unknowable. The combination made me insecure sometimes, too. I think it was a good idea to ask here and try to find out what's normal, rather than bottling it up, well done for signing up.

She was shocked and hurt to discover something - that is the issue. He kept something of a sexual nature hidden.

Yes, this is very true. Part of the issue when my ex's porn use came to light was definitely a feeling of 'who am I married too?' It was just so far from the man he said he was.

@donnas146 thank you

Yes, I definitely don't think my situation applies to everyone.

@Sethis What conversation do you have with new partners? Do you mean you ask what they think about porn, to make sure they are not misogynist/exploitative? Is this part of a general conversation about how feminist they are, what their politics are, how they feel about race/immigration/antisemitism etc. etc. or do you specifically ask about porn?

He didn't tell her that he masturbates. Is that secretive? I haven't told my partners that I masturbate. Is that a secret?

I don't understand why on Mumsnet there seem to be a disproportionate number of women with this strange and unrealistic view imo.

Many many people, and imo most men need to orgasm at least a day. This is normal and perfectly healthy, and without meaning to be sexist it is particularly common in men as they have a build up! Unless you are having sex twice a day the chances are DH is going to be wanking. Sorry but that is the reality of life! And I don't see why it's so disgusting to you. He wasn't looking at photos of women you know was he? Or fantasising about your best friend? If he was looking at porn the chances are that's a quick way of getting himself ready, so to speak. My DH does this and I am perfectly comfortable with it. On days when we dont have sex as we are too busy he may do it quickly in the shower, or he may quickly look at legal porn on his phone or laptop. I would say on average he looks at porn about 2-3 times a week for a total of 2-3 minutes per time, around our sex life.

Legal porn sites are abundant and have short videos of 2-3 minutes (as well as longer videos which might be some people's preference). My DH only watches the shorter ones. We talked about this when we first met. He either thinks of me and him together (eg when he's in the shower) or he looks at porn to quickly get him there. My issue is the misogyny of the porn videos (content, storylines, depiction of women etc, plus the industry) but not the notion of him watching poem at all. I asked him to seek out feminist porn sites (harder to find but there are some) where the women are actually depicted as an equal partner - and he has done so. Beyond this issue with the content of the porn, I can't see why you would be disgusted.

To be honest I think your reaction to his behaviour was shaming. I don't think this is healthy. Do you imagine that (assuming you do not have sex every single day) he holds himself in and waits? Again, that is simply not realistic for many many people, men and women, but especially men.

There is a large and growing (apparently) male movement called "nofap" so clearly all men do not wank. They think it gives them superpowers to store up their manly energy. You could point him at the

Otherwise as per pp there are two issues here to separate.

“Many many people, and imo most men need to orgasm at least a day”

What happens to them if they don’t?

A build-up?! Is there a risk of explosion? 😂

www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/how-often-should-a-man-ejaculate#masturbation-vs.-sex

When i was a young woman, men were still telling us that it was dangerous for them to be aroused and not ejaculate- so it was our responsibility to “finish what we started”.

But as others have said, there are two unrelated issues here. It’s not clear which one the OP is bothered by.