dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

reanimated he didn't say he thought I'd be angry. That was his excuse for not bringing it up at any point with me.

And back to the issue I wanted to clarify with you specifically, none of his reasons for keeping it secret and lying were because I was "controlling or otherwise unreasonable*, were they? Which is what you stated the secrecy and lies was caused by.

Just read my post, which is ambiguous.
To clarify, he said he didn't bring it up because he thought women weren't interested (lame), and kept it secret and lied because he was ashamed he looked at stuff, and didn't think I would like him looking at all those naked women (it was overwhelming single ladies 'performing', rather than couples having sex). Not that he asked my opinion of porn. So he must have only wanted to watch women perform for him. But as I said, if he'd not mentioned it, you can hardly blame the lies on me being unreasonable and controlling.

I discovered the extent of DP’s lies about porn about a year ago (by accident not by being controlling) and for me it has had a lasting effect on trust in our relationship. Very sad

@productrecall - I don’t think you need to justify yourself being unhappy with it. I don’t think people not being ok with partners viewing porn (a few on this thread) is controlling just like I don’t think it’s controlling for people not wanting them to engage in emotional affairs or polyamory. It’s different for everyone and I hope you manage to sort things out with him.

Thanks @Namenic. I really feel for the OP on threads like this, because so many ppl make assumptions (controlling masturbation? Give me a break!), and somehow it always ends up with OP being blamed. Not everyone likes porn, not everyone is happy with their partner watching it, surely it is the responsibility of the porn watcher to bring the subject up with their partner rather than automatically sneak around and lie about it? It just seems very sad to me that someone would choose to be dishonest with their partner over something like this, rather than just bring it up. Why would you want to be dishonest in your relationship? If the porn watcher is keeping it secret, that's because they are not comfortable with their partner (or others) knowing they use it - and if they haven't even brought the subject up at all, they don't know what their partner thinks about it, yet still chose to hide it. All those excuses about ppl being controlling or unreasonable are just so much bullshit. If a guy is comfortable using porn and sees nothing wrong with it, he should just be upfront about it, then there wouldn't be any issues. Either the partner is fine with it, or they move on to someone more compatible.

The porn problem re secrecy and lies is caused by the porn user. No-one else.

The lies show a lack of respect for a partner’s feelings. And no one should be made to feel that their own feelings are wrong.

The thing is I actually asked in general chit chat and he said ‘very occasionally’ when away from home, which most definitely is not what is the case. He asked me and I said very very occasionally if he was away (which is true) . I would rather he had been upfront and I could have said, do you mind cutting it back as I find it offensive to have it as much a habit as cleaning your teeth. As it was we were out and I didn’t want a big scene. I agree with others, it’s lying and secrecy that is often more of an issue because it ruins trust and you can’t help but think what else do they lie about

Aw I bet he feels ashamed and gutted. It's no reflection on you my love at all. I do understand why you feel a bit hurt but you got to know it's not personal. He doesn't sound addicted to porn or anything. It sounds like he needed some relief and thought it would be his own thing and no one would know. Ask him straight up if he needs porn or if it's a issue for him. How old is he? Older men sometimes do this to warm up the engine for their wife. I don't think it's like cheating but that's just my own opinion and everyone is different.