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Original poster

dh and porn- I can't get over it

258 replies

Dogmum21 · 16/01/2019 19:48

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

OP posts:
MissLanesAmericanCousin · 17/01/2019 02:08

You don't seem to understand men very well, or human sexuality, to be more to the point. Please do not shame your poor husband any longer. My husband masturbates and so do I, and we have a very active and fulfilling sex life. Do not see it as a reflection on you. It isn't.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 02:13

My husband masturbates and so do I

That's not the issue though, is it? Hmm

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 17/01/2019 02:20

Then what is the issue? The way he chooses to get there? I see nothing wrong with using porn as a sexual aide as long as it's legal.

Perhaps, the solution is for you to masturbate together, and find porn that is geared more to erotica then hardcore. Good luck! Smile

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 02:22

I see nothing wrong with using porn as a sexual aide as long as it's legal.
Just because you don't, don't mean that other don't.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 02:22

Doh. *doesn't meant that others don't...

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 17/01/2019 02:27

But we do....I am thoroughly confused Confused

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 02:29

? Confused
You see nothing wrong with using porn.

Other ppl do see using porn as wrong. OP's post suggests this is the case for her.
What's confusing about that?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 17/01/2019 02:36

Touche'. I guess then her best bet is to have a candid yet, non accusatory , non judgmental, conversation with her husband in regards to his porn use? Perhaps they can masturbate with each other? I don't have all the answers, just trying to help. Cheers!

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 02:38

Indeed Wink.

LaughingCow99 · 17/01/2019 03:59

I think it's naive to think a man doesn't look at porn. Oh, he might say he doesn't because his partner doesn't like it, but in my experience most do to varying degrees.

Does it bother me personally? No.

jeaux90 · 17/01/2019 07:55

Masturbation is normal and his body etc

Using porn. no. I couldn't be with someone who uses porn because I'm a feminist. Porn and access to it is damaging beyond belief.

sparklesq · 17/01/2019 07:56

People on here saying porn is bad for ethical reasons - fair enough. But that's not what OP is saying. She said DH masturbating to it was one step from cheating. It's not, it's so far from that she's actually offending him there.

madcatladyforever · 17/01/2019 07:57

If only my husband had stopped at porn but they rarely do.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 17/01/2019 07:58

Yeah, didn't think there'd be a proper source for the screenshot.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 08:21

madcatladyforever that doesn't surprise me, sadly. I saw quite an escalation in dh.

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 08:33

Adora10 so what is it then? How is that ignorant it really is just watching people fuck? I’m not arguing with people about their different opinions. If it was live webcams I would say it’s wrong as I don’t agree with it but porn is really just a way to get a release and I don’t see the harm in it. Just showing op as a woman (and a lot of women watch it) I watch it and it doesn’t make any difference to my sex life or my feelings or attraction to my oh at all. Unless he was watching it all the time instead of sex then I’d have a different opinion, don’t get how you think it’s ignorant 🙄get a grip.

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 08:37

And I know men who say they don’t get anything by watching porn is lieing. I mean cmon! Who really believes their man doesn’t like watching a naked woman, it’s exaxtly the same as saying your oh doesn’t look at other women at all 🙄

BertrandRussell · 17/01/2019 08:38

the article the screen shot came from

MamaDane · 17/01/2019 08:38

But it's normal and healthy to masturbate and porn is just an easy way to get off. I don't see why this affects you honestly. I watch porn and masturbate. My DP watches porn and masturbates. It's no big deal really.

BertrandRussell · 17/01/2019 08:39

Donnas- do you ever consider thee ethics of porn or is that something that doesn’t bother you?

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 08:43

No it doesn’t bother me. Do you have sex? Because that is all they are doing for a camera

BertrandRussell · 17/01/2019 08:46

So you’re not bothered about the possibility of women being exploited? Why they went into porn? Who makes the big money?

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 08:49

Good article though just had a read, I understand why people don’t agree with it because of that. Just saying my view of it to the op, as she is insecure and unsure of herself and husband over him watching it.

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 08:53

It doesn’t stop me watching it...no.
The industry does exploit women but I literally watch it because I like to. Plus a lot of pornstars go into it knowing what there doing,it’s a choice. I’m not going to sit here and debate it just because I like porn.

Desmondo2016 · 17/01/2019 08:55

I genuinely don't have an issue with porn ethics!

And in any case it not clear from the OP if it's the porn or the masturbation or both that she has an issue with.

Both are entirely personal in my opinion and I hate the feminism porn shaming on here. Think what you like but it is widespread, generally socially acceptable and considered normal to masturbate to porn.