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Original poster

dh and porn- I can't get over it

258 replies

Dogmum21 · 16/01/2019 19:48

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/01/2019 22:17

Masturbation- none of your business.

Porn- very much your business. A deal breaker for many women. How do you feel about it?

merville · 16/01/2019 22:30

They had to call the research off as they couldn't find any men who didn't.

I've met at least one man who doesn't and I haven't had a huge number of partners so the scientists didn't look very far. It seems silly to declare there are absolutely no men who don't watch porn.

In saying that, I do think the majority do.

(Incidentally that man, whom I dated for a while, said that he tried it but it just did v little for him, he turned it off after a few mins; he said he vastly preferred fantasising about real women/sexual experience he'd had. Not everyone is the same.

merville · 16/01/2019 22:36

On main topic I think most people of both sexes masturbate, it's something different than sex with another person and it's unfair to expect someone not to or to guilt them or try to stop them (as long as it's not 'excessive' and interfering with your lives/sex lives. I think wanting to do that is like wanting to own someone, their every thought, their privacy, their bodily autonomy etc. in an unhealthy way.

Porn is of course entirely another issue; unfortunately many people (probably more males than females) use it for masturbation, but there are ethical issues with it.

I don't think you are specifically fixed on the ethical problems of porn though, I get the impression you think he shouldn't be masturbating at all - and like it's done kind of personal insult/failure. It's not and I don't know where you got the impression it is.

Kennycalmit · 16/01/2019 22:37

That wouldn’t have been a one off and it certainly won’t be the last. The sooner you accept and come to terms with that the better

He is entitled and free to do what he wants with his own body. If he wants to masturbate in privacy that’s no business of yours and to shame him for that is awful.
It isn’t as if he chose that over you - he thought you’d left the house. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. It is normal and natural. You can not control him having a wank and it is no reflection on you if he chooses to have one

merville · 16/01/2019 22:37

Some not done

donnas146 · 16/01/2019 23:07

I watch it and have a great sex life with my oh
It’s no defection on you so don’t take it personally.
It’s just a way of getting off and I have done it as soon as my oh walked out the door. Don’t get why some people have a problem with it it’s just people shagging.

Wifelyworries · 16/01/2019 23:16

I’ve just accidentally discovered my husband likes to use porn pics and masturbate. Like you I can’t get past it but my main reason is due to his lack of sex drive with me. I don’t mind the masturbation but I’m struggling to accept the porn pics and at the moment we are on really on the verge. Good luck x

Productrecall · 16/01/2019 23:25

Any time this topic comes up, a bunch of ppl get up in arms about his right to masturbate. And therefore you have no right to complain about the porn watching. Hmm As stated many times before, that's bullshit. Noone needs porn to masturbate, unless they've already screwed up their sexual response, then you have a whole different problem.
OP, I read your post as meaning you were more taken aback about the porn than the masturbation. And the fact that he did it behind your back. So you need to have an open discussion about that, if you are comfortable with it, and to what extent you are comfortable. Really think about and discuss the options. If you can come to terms with discreet watching of consensual stuff, that's a good compromise. Make sure you let him know what isn't acceptable in your eyes (cam girls? Paid?) and that it is totally unacceptable to hide stuff from you, let it affect other areas of your life, or develop into an addiction.

Adora10 · 16/01/2019 23:36

Who is against masturbation I don’t see anyone objecting to that so stop twisting replies to suit your argument, it’s sadly desperate.

Porn is just shagging? Most ignorant statement I’ve read on here in a while 😕

TheMatriarch · 16/01/2019 23:41

Masterbating - normal.
Porn - big nope.
I’ve already shared this screenshot tonight, I think it’s worth another airing here.

dh and porn- I can't get over it
Productrecall · 17/01/2019 00:07

Adora were you talking to me there? Because if so, I'm pretty sure there have been a few ppl already asking if she was against him masturbating and that was unreasonable.
I'm not twisting anything.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 00:09

The fact she wanted to control it, that is. Which is not what I thought she was saying anyway.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/01/2019 00:21

I agree that can happen in certain individuals, but it depends on the type of porn and whether the man already has mysogonistic tendencies.

I would say porn certainly reinforces and feeds into madonna whore complex and ED in individuals who already have this compartmentalised view of sex and women.

Healthy, balanced people who occasionaly watch porn don't automatically transform into a limp dick rapists! It's about the mental undercurrent of an individual, and the type of material they watch.

AgentJohnson · 17/01/2019 00:25

I have always been a confident person before now.

Struggling to believe this. I can understand the shock/ embarrassment but for it to have the impact that it has on your esteem, suggests that your self esteem was nowhere near as strong as you believed it to be.

You should talk to your H but given the fragility of your self worth, it would be advisable to seek out professional support.

MistressDeeCee · 17/01/2019 00:36

They had to call the research off as they couldn't find any men who didn't

DP doesn't watch porn or masturbate, which I found surprising initially. He's turned on by the real deal, we have a good and active sex life. I don't think 'all' men do this or that, what floats their boat can be different. He finds watching porn boring.

Tbh I'd be bothered by the porn IF it were a weird fetish and/or involved cruelty, and if he felt the need to access porn all the time.

But everyone is different, if you don't like porn sit down and have a chat. He's your man - be open with him. & if you've problems with your sex life then that has to be addressed as well. If you still want to be with him, that is.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 17/01/2019 00:38

Where is that screenshot from? Would be interested to see it in a proper context.

Sethis · 17/01/2019 00:40

The fact that your marriage is 10 years old yet you haven't managed to discuss either masturbation or porn is somewhat worrying. That's normally a conversation I have with partners in the first few weeks after getting together.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 00:40

closet what? That it turns into an addiction? I wouldn't have thought that about my dh either, but that's what happened. My posts above are what I needed to hear ten years ago. It would have saved an awful lot of problems in the long run.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 00:41

sethis is that because you're a relatively young guy though? It honestly never crossed my mind when dh and I first got together, so I assume it also doesn't cross the mind of other non porn users either.

gluteustothemaximus · 17/01/2019 00:52

No issues with masturbating.

Big issues with porn.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/01/2019 00:55

I do think it's a shame though that male sexuality seems to have been somewhat distorted, and future generations are learning about sex and technique from 95% trash content....Slow circles lover, its not a scratch card...

Whats happened to getting to know all the little details of your partners body and driving them crazy, being able to exeriment and explore with someone you trust?

...Oh yeah that was replaced by the quick fuck hook up culture we now have

Booby prize of the century.

Smh.

Productrecall · 17/01/2019 01:00

Yeah, it's all so self centered. Mainly on the male side, ime.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/01/2019 01:01

Oh yes I'm not doubting addictions definitely happen. I was referring more to the screenshot regarding violence humiliation sexually against women

ReanimatedSGB · 17/01/2019 01:04

That screenshot is dodgy as fuck. There have been many idiotic scaremongering claims about porn, many citing 'research' which has been shown to be a crock of shit in a variety of ways.

Yes, there are problems with the porn industry: unfair treatment of performers, the involvement of organised crime etc. There are also more and more people working to produce porn with performers who are paid fairly and treated well; porn which showcases diversity and explores different fantasies. Porn is not inherently bad (and the people who insist it is are generally either controlling wingnuts or sexually dysfunctional themselves).

MrsJoeBlack · 17/01/2019 01:08

I do understand how you feel. I felt the same way when I discovered my Ex husband watching porn. I felt betrayed and worthless.

However, you said your husband felt bad that he had upset you? So talk about it some more. It sounds as though he does care about your feelings. Have you told him how you are feeling?

My husband did not care about my feelings. He told me he preferred porn to me. It also actually made a lot of stuff make sense. As my husband had been pushing me to try things I was not comfortable with. I guess the type of porn he watched changed the way he wanted to have sex. I don't know what sort of porn he watched. He only told me 'it was not the sort of porn you get on TV'. I don't know what that means as I personally have never seen any porn. For me, it's a deal breaker I guess. But then I do feel it played a massive part in the breakdown of my marriage.