dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

Yep course it is 👍🏼
It’s infantile of you to go on and on because someone has a different opinion. Kindly go away now.

Agree with you @Sethis

Sethis- I can see the difference between all those things theoretically. However, I am pretty sure I couldn’t on the screen. And the overwhelming majority of porn currently available, particularly free or cheap porn is not ethical.

I totally understand where you are coming from OP, it's quite a shock I imagine (perhaps your DH should use the bathroom!)

I think OP is getting a hard time tbh, when you are older & rounder and married a few years it can knock your self esteem to find your partner watching young porn stars with perfect bodies. Masturbation is perfectly natural, watching porn imo is not, a very good imagination does the job!

I know some of you don't believe porn addiction is real but when it escalates from vanilla porn to fetish porn, to webcams, then hook up sites it becomes a reality. Just read some of the diaries on NoFap.

Having since watched some documentaries (Hot girls wanted actually made me cry!) porn is a deal breaker for me.

Never met a man who doesn’t like to see a fanny and a pair of tits but okay.

Most people like seeing a naked body, yes. But that doesn't mean they like porn, or find it a turn on.

Why do you feel the need to convince yourself that every man likes and watches porn?

How do you know that the porn is ethical? How do you know there is no coercion in the husband and wife porn you are watching? How do you know that the porn stars you are watching won't eventually join the list of porn stars who have come out and spoken about the harsh realities of porn?

However, I am pretty sure I couldn’t on the screen.

What's stopping you from finding out?

I mean, I could be vegetarian and proclaim that "All hamburgers are the same, and I can't tell the difference, and all meat eating is wrong". But I'd have to be prepared to be told by meat eaters that actually there is an incredibly huge and obvious difference between a McDonalds in a tube station and a burger made by Farmer Giles down the road in Devon from Maisy the Cow. If I took a bite of one and then the other I would be able to tell them apart quite easily. However because I want to remain a vegetarian I would just have to take a meat eaters word for it. I would also have to be able to recognise that the life of Maisy the Cow and #13914-34E from Brazil do not have the same lives, and they are not treated the same way, and therefore should not be labelled ethical or unethical without due consideration.

By treating "Porn" as a unified whole, then you're engaging in the same lazy thinking as someone who says "All Americans are fat, stupid, ignorant and rude". It's demonstrably not true, and Americans or people with American friends won't appreciate you telling them so.

All of which is not to say that porn = meat or porn = Americans. They're examples as to why shouting about how ALL PORN IS RAPE is a non-starter.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂

.

"What are your thoughts on porn?"
"How often do you masturbate?"
"How do you feel about either of the above within a relationship? Either with or without your partner present?"

And how would you feel if a woman brought these up? And would you be honest? Not asking to be confrontational - genuinely curious.

I've had 2 serious relationships where it's been discussed.

I wouldn't bother discussing it if I only saw the man as a short term 'fling'.

In my experience, it's pretty obvious whether they are porn users or not whether you discuss it or not. Sex is no where near as good with men who watch porn (sadly, as it's most of them!) and I wouldn't consider a serious LTR with a porn user for this reason as much as anything.

I know that all the men (bar one) I've dated/had sex with in the 6 years since I split up with my husband were porn users and the sex was dire even/especially with the men who were open about their use and who considered themselves to have good technique.

closetbeanmuncher

Whats happened to getting to know all the little details of your partners body and driving them crazy, being able to exeriment and explore with someone you trust?

Honestly, if your guy isn’t like that with you he’s just not that sort of lover, it’s nothing to do with watching porn or not. If someone is a good, giving, game, enthusiastic, engaged lover no amount of porn will change that. Similarly, someone who’s uninterested and very ‘by the book’ and more concerned with his own pleasure isn’t going to suddenly become a great lay if porn is no longer available.

OH and I both watch porn, we have a brilliant sex life. I don’t think the two are connected in any way. I feel for you if you’ve had so many crap shags you think it’s porn causing the majority of men to be crap in bed!

“However, I am pretty sure I couldn’t on the screen.

What's stopping you from finding out?”

I don’t know. Beginners guide, please.

VietnameseCrispyFish

I haven't read the post you're quoting but, tbh, that porn makes the majority of men crap in bed has been my experience too...

And crap on a scale from has ED and just lies there expecting sex to happen to him to being very attentive and technically skilled but lacking in 'intimacy' or feeling like a bit part in someone else's performance

It is different.

Your making him feel ashamed!

And he apologised!

Yabu, it's his body.

Yes I think there is a clear generation difference on here. We have been together 20 years and DH is also a fair bit older than me. I maybe naive but I thought two people in a loving relationship wouldn't need this.

I haven't read the post you're quoting but, tbh, that porn makes the majority of men crap in bed has been my experience too...

Have you slept with enough men who do and don’t watch porn to know, though?

I don’t think I’ve slept with any man who doesn’t watch porn (nor to be fair do I know any women friends who don’t either, ones I’m close enough for it to come up in conversation), but I’ve had guys who were incredible in bed and guys who were awful, and their amount of porn intake/what they were into watching had no bearing on it.

However I do think that it’s a real shame teenage boys and girls are growing up with their first experience of sexuality being porn rather than being able to meet someone, explore one another, get to know them and what they like slowly. It’s just not the same I reckon to lose your virginity at 17 having already been masturbating to hardcore porn for several years already.

But that’s a reason to try and ensure children don’t have access to it. Entirely separate imo from grown adults choosing to access legal porn.

On the madturbation side, yes it’s his body, I don’t give a fig if someone wants to masturbate twice a day, I do however think partners have some say as to whether they find porn use ok in a relationship, it may be they are and it’s all known, no issue with that, it may be some women are ok if it’s ‘occasional’, it may be that some women have an issue when it’s virtually every day. I think the hiding and lying is often the issue because no one then has had a chance to say if they have boundaries. I too think it’s generational, although some older women don’t have an issue, but many do, particularly when menopausal or post and you aren’t necessarily always feeling that hot about yourself and your body. My friend who is right to the point said to her husband one night, ‘do you mind if I go upstairs and get off by myself to some much fitter better looking young studs and black guys with big dicks ’ because that’s what you do ‘ (except women) he was horrified!

Have you slept with enough men who do and don’t watch porn to know, though?

Well I haven't slept with them all but there have been a few...

But sex was shit with the ones I know definitely did. One because he was the ED just lying there expecting sex to happen on/to him. The others, sex just felt very 'disconnected' - one was (and still is) quite vocal about how "quite good actually" he is. Technically, yes, he has a lot of skills and, yes, he was focused on me. Except that he wasn't focused on me, he was focused on "the woman" he was with. I could have been anyone.

That has been my overridiing experience with all men who watch porn. They're thinking about their next move and the effect they want to have on the woman to convince themselves they're excellent lovers; or they've 'forgotten' that there's another person there at all; or it feels like a 'performance' and it just makes them shit.

I have had sex with one man in the past few years who I know definitely didn't. Sex with him was amazing. Just intimate, fun, lovely... and a real sense of it not mattering what happened because all that was important was that he and I were there together.

Totally different.

I would steer clear from a porn watcher. They usually have unrealistic expectations or want you to perform weird acts. This makes them crap lovers.

You haven't said which bit you are offended by though, the masturbation or the porn? Are you suggesting in 20 years you haven't touched yourself?

If you've been together 20 years and never noticed he did this or watched porn until you walked in on it, that just goes to show that everybody here making out it is a terrible problem that will clearly escalate is talking rubbish. It's perfectly normal, loosen up, give the poor bloke a break and get yourself some decent friends you could talk to about something like this.

Is 'this' masturbation or porn.

Lots of people in loving relationships masturbate regularly.

Porn different issue.

No problem if DP wants to bang one out on his own. Though nobody NEEDS to. They might want to, but it’s not a need like food or water or air.

Porn is destructive and harmful, so no thank you. The fact that many people use it is no excuse.

If you are upset about the masturbation part of this situation you are being absolutely ridiculous and totally unreasonable.

thought two people in a loving relationship wouldn't need this

You are incredibly naive. You're not the be all and end all!
Porn can be a LOT of fun. Mastubation even more so.
Poor bloke. Leave him alone!

@BertrandRussell

Go to a website that rhymes with "yawnrub".
Look at the Amateur section, especially the Verified Amateur section.
Click on a variety of videos that take your interest, and then click on the uploader's name to see their profile and a list of everything they have uploaded, and also a blurb about who they are.

If the people in the videos are always different people, or there is no blurb, this is not a couple. This is a random guy re-uploading various clips from elsewhere on the internet, or someone doing revenge-porn. I wouldn't watch their content.

If the people in the video are always the same, it is more likely they are a real couple. It is even more likely they are a real couple if they have been posting for a long time (years), they respond publicly to messages, and if both partners have accounts. Obviously this isn't foolproof, but then nothing on the internet ever is. Many couples also upload teaser videos to generate interest, or even non-sexual videos where they discuss various toys or whatever. You can also generally tell whether the sex in the videos is by people who are affectionate together, or if one partner is unaware they are being filmed (bad sign), or seems not to be as into it as the other (bad sign).

I really can't be more specific than that, because the mods probably won't like it.

@DayAfterTomorrow
And how would you feel if a woman brought these up? And would you be honest? Not asking to be confrontational - genuinely curious.

I'd be really happy that they were open to talking about sex in an open and forthright way. I would of course be honest, because an incompatible sex life is an incompatible relationship. As previously mentioned, if they said "I hate all porn and I think all men who watch porn are bad in bed/filth/addicted/misogynists" then that would basically be the end of that. Sorry, but it isn't going to work.