dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

Ok. It's a bit shit to walk in on your partner having a private porn wank. Totally, totally get that.

But it's not one step from cheating. It's also no reflection on you or your sexual relationship.

I sympathise with you OP. I realise many on here may be younger and have grown up with it being available on tap, however I can say from my experience being married to a feminist type guy who in general conversation said to me that he used it very occasionally (I wasn't asking, he volunteered that info when watching Californication--where one guy has a big habit) to actually discovering it was 4/5 times a week the minute I left the house, sometimes twice a day, has boiled my piss. It makes you feel like you are married to someone you don't know and we have been married 23 years. I would rather someone have been upfront about it and decided if I could live with that.

"What are your thoughts on porn?"
"How often do you masturbate?"
"How do you feel about either of the above within a relationship? Either with or without your partner present?"

That pretty much covers it all. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was vehemently anti-porn or had hangups over masturbation.

That's the issue Seth, I wouldn't have chosen to be with someone who seemed to find watching porn a habit like brushing his teeth. Masturbation I have no issue with at all. Problem is these subjects often don't crop up till you have been together a long time.They aren't always there at the beginning, or known about.

Hi op. I really want to reassure you it's perfectly normal to masturbate and isn't a reflection on you in any way. Maybe he felt the need, thought you we're going out so didn't want to ask you for sex so decided to go solo.

Maybe have an open conversation about it to put your mind at rest.

I masturbate if DH is away as I like doing it. No reflection on how I feel about him at all. In fact I often imagine having sex with him whilst I masturbate. Sometimes I also watch porn. I try to find female friendly stuff as I'm not keen on seeing lots of men but it just helps me think of DH more and can't wait for him to come home! DH knows I do this and he masturbates when I'm away with work. We talk about it and no need to reassure as we both know it's a normal urge.

HTH

I suppose I'd ask if it was especially important to me, maybe ... though even then probably not tbh. I don't think I've ever asked a partner about their opinions with the specific thought that I needed to check something before I got together with them. I've always just had general conversation and assumed I could judge their character roughly from what they talked about, and that anything else would come up later.

Interesting idea, though. Mind you, I definitely remember talking to my exh what he thought about women's equality, male and female roles in the household etc. and he claimed to be very pro-equality, pro-feminist. Turned out not to be like that at all.

People need to orgasm once a day

The industry does exploit women but I literally watch it because I like to.

So you don't care about the exploitation of women? At least you are honest I guess.

Still being able to regularly watch, never mind get off to porn, despite allegedly being aware of the exploitation involved is fucking shameful

Absolutely. I think she is the first poster who has ever admitted they know it is exploitative but just don't care though.

And I know men who say they don’t get anything by watching porn is lieing.

Not everyone is like you. I couldn't get off on porn knowing it is exploiting women. Instant turn off. It is for many men too.

@ravenmum what does masturbation have to do with character?

Ah Sethis! Our resident male pro porn crusader... Josuk should be along soon too, I'd imagine.
I don't even have the energy for this shit. You can't argue with people who's mentality that their orgasm is more important then all the abuse, rape, coercion, violence, drug addiction that affects women and girls used for porn.
You also apparently can't argue with women who's bar is set so low they normalize shit behaviour from their men and everyone else should too... Boys will be boys and all that toss..

@Sethis You wouldn't count "hangups abut masturbation" as a matter of character? But I was saying that I don't ask them specific questions about their opinions (such as porn, masturbation, antisemitism, their stance on immigration etc.); that instead I have always only tried to judge their character from conversation. I'd never considered your approach, hence my interest.

OP said
I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn)
And so everyone else has also assumed he was looking at porn. We have literally no clue what the man was looking at. For all we know it was Teletubbies fanfic.

“ I wouldn't want to be with someone who was vehemently anti-porn or had hangups over masturbation.”

I’m not even sure why these two attitudes are in the same sentence.

“Ah Sethis! Our resident male pro porn crusaderhmm... Josuk should be along soon too, I'd imagine. ”
Yep. Mumsnet’s resident pornographer is here as well.

When i was a young woman, men were still telling us that it was dangerous for them to be aroused and not ejaculate- so it was our responsibility to “finish what we started”.

Lol, yes I've either heard or very much understood that "message" too. At least now young women can point to the benefits of "semen retention" and the amazing manliness it will bestow on them by not ejaculating.

Why is watching porn shit behaviour though?

“Instant turn off.it is for many men too.”

Yeah sure it is! 😂

Never met a man who doesn’t like to see a fanny and a pair of tits but okay.

Odviously unless they were gay, I’ve even had gay friends that like to see a pair of nice tits lol

donnas146- judging your pp I don't really think I'll waste any of my time trying convince you about the ethics of porn.
You also can't argue with stupid.

For all we know it was Teletubbies fanfic.

Thank you for transferring water to my keyboard via my nostrils.

Would that be better or worse than porn?

Oh, this is boring. Have fun among yourselves. If the OP was real, hope it helped.

“Why is watching porn shit behaviour though?”

Because you are likely to be watching exploited or addicted women being fucked for minimum wage. You are likely to be watching women simulating enjoyment of degrading, painful and dangerous sexual acts for minimum wage.

Masturbation is fine, normal and healthy. It’s absolutely no reflection on you as a lover. It doesn’t mean he wants you any less or isn’t satisfied with your sex life. Think of masturbation as an entirely separate thing to sex, he just wants to pleasure himself from time to time and that’s fine. It’s nothing like cheating unless you think of his hand as a separate sentient being .

The porn though, I understand. With regards to the scientific study, they struggled to find a man who hadn't seen porn not one who doesn’t watch it regularly. Nobody needs porn to masturbate and I can completely understand why that may hurt your feelings. It doesn’t feel great to think of your partner getting off to images of someone else, I do understand.

Because the exploitation is nothing to do with the ops question, you just brought that into the mix to judge and tell other people that their wrong for watching it. Common for your kind to call other people stupid aswell. I don’t lower myself to insulting other people because they have different views.if you feel so strongly about it why don’t you get off your arse and do something about the exploitation? Instead of sitting on mumsnet and being a little keyboard warrior about people watching legal fucking porn.

Common for your kind to call other people stupid aswell.

Look Donna, this topic has been argued to death here for years. Your contribution today is infantile. So no, I just can't.

If you see no difference between a husband and wife making a sex video and putting it online because they both have an exhibitionist streak, a professional porn star making a lot of money as a conscious career choice, and some drugged teen from Albania being raped for cocaine, then I really have nothing to say either, to be honest. It's all porn, but it's not all the same. If you aren't capable of that level of granularity, then there's no way a discussion is going to be beneficial.