I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

Just too add as not to drip feed, he has also piled on the weight. We are trying to lose weight together at the moment.

There is another thread where someone is wondering how to tell their husband the exact same thing (that she doesn’t fancy him because he’s overweight) and the advice is all to tell him.

He could have worded that a lot better, but you asked for honesty and got it so I don’t think you can berate him for that. Everyone has visual elements they are and aren’t attracted to and it sounds like you’re not happy with your own appearance, let alone what he thinks. Would you like to get back to how you looked pre kids, as a personal desire, not to please him? Having said that, a 14-16 isn’t MASSIVE by any means but if you were a size 8 before the contrast is probably quite noticeable

Well there are 3 things you can do:

1. Accept his answer and carry on regardless.

1. Accept his answer and lose weight if you want to try and appeal to him again.

1. Don't accept his answer and leave him.

I don't think there's a fourth answer. It's not very nice but at least you're working from a position of honesty.

Oh op. It’s a tough one

I’ll start off by saying that just because he’s been honest, it doesn’t make him a dick. Lots of posters will come and tell you he’s shallow and to ltb but personally I don’t see anything wrong with what he’s said. There’s nothing wrong about finding overweight people unattractive. There’s no law saying that you must find your partner attractive regardless of what they look like.

He probably doesn’t mean he wants you super thin again. He probably just wants you at a healthy weight looking after your appearance some more.

You aren’t happy yourself with your appearance. Do something about it. Join the gym, go running, join WW or something similar. Get active. You don’t have to be a size 6 and wearing make up and fancy clothes every day - just a bit of effort into getting back to ‘you’ again.

Thanks for the reply @snoutandab0ut.

I desperately want to get back to 'old me' I am so unhappy with my appearance. I do understand where he's coming from, totally. But equally obviously it still hurts

Were you hoping he’d say something different?

so you are expected to understand him though he has put on weight but somehow you putting on weight as well is a deal breaker [hmmm] if you are both trying to lose together you should support one another,

You can approach this as a New Year New You for the pair of you and work at weight loss together.

I don’t think He put it very kindly.

It will be noticeable. I was the same size as you pre baby (6/8) and am now a 12 with a 5 month old. I can really see the difference in how I carry myself, my total lack of fitness, my confidence and the clothes that I wear. I don't know about you, but for me it's not as much the number on the scale or the clothes tag as the way I've changed myself to fit that bigger size in all those other ways. I know it's not massive but it still makes me uncomfortable. I've made a commitment to be healthier for DD so I'm now trying to eat better and do yoga daily.

You both seem unhappy with your weight gain so could you try to bond by making joint diet and lifestyle changes? Exercise together, take up a new hobby perhaps?

@Kennycalmit thank you for such a understanding post.

He is also very self conscious of his appearance since gaining weight, I know it gets him down too.

in the mean time there are plenty of nice clothes for size 14/16 and you can do your hair
I don't wear make up myself but being a bit bigger doesn't stop you

by all means try and lose weight but also make the best of yourself now not tomorrow

he has been honest but he can't expect you to make an effort to look more attractive unless he does himself

You're likely to get two kinds of responses on this. Either
(1) your partner is shallow and hypocritical and he should continue to find you attractive whatever, and having young kids is so had. Or
(2) this is a sensible time for you both to attempt weight loss, maybe even as some kind of challenge/competition, and to get fitter, so go for that.

So neither of you are actually happy being bigger? Then accept it for what it is and work together to lose it. Make walking ‘dates’, active hobby dates together and healthy eating plans. Even finding a local gym where you can use the machines then the hot tubs together might be nice. (Look for country club or hotel attached gyms not council - mines awesome and so quiet. Plus actually cheaper than the council one)

Yes it’s a bit blunt but you asked and he was honest with you.

so if he feels the same way about himself work on this together

@blackcat86 you've totally hit the nail on the head. My clothes feel awful. I live in leggings and baggy tops. I was very into my fitness before my youngest was born but life happens and I was living in a bubble.

It was a harsh response but maybe a useful one. No ambiguity!

LUckily he is unhappy with his weight too and doesn't fancy himself either! So you can work on your weight together which is much easier than doing it by yourself. And in the meantime you can still work on your hair and make up and stop "giving up". Embrace the new year together .

I’m so sorry OP that must have really hurt. It’s really hard to be honest with someone when you know it’s going hurt someone you love. Does he treat you well otherwise? He could have approached it better but some men are not very good with tact at all.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation so I know how you feel and also how he feels.
My ex gained a lot of weight and I still loved him so much, the attraction side was starting to fade but I never wanted anyone else as I loved him. It was also a worry as heart disease ran in his family and I could see the damage it was having on his health.
That wasn’t what caused the break up between us.
You need to focus on yourself now and lose the weight you are uncomfortable with for YOU, no one else. Don’t beat yourself up and try to starve yourself to get to a size 8. I haven’t been a size 8 since I was 19 years old! Bodies change when you have kids, I’m now happier being a slightly bigger 10/12. Treat yourself well and look for some tasty healthy recipes, you can find some that are good for you and only take a few mins to prep. Just be kind to yourself and remember you are beautiful no matter what size you are, you’re still the same person and don’t let anyone tell you any different

Become a team and try to lose the weight together. I also have gained a lot of weight since I got together with my DP and she has put on some weight too. But right now we are in it together. Since I cook I make sure it's healthy food. She however encourages me to exercise and sets a good example with that.

I definitely get that it's hurtful to hear. But take it as motivation to get thinner again. Once you have lost it, you will thank him for his (clumsy worded) honesty.

💐

My gut reaction probably isn’t the most helpful, so I’ll try to be a little less reactive 😖

You asked for the truth, which you shouldn’t unless you’re prepared to hear it. Good life lesson, I learnt they one very early in life, in a relationship 🙁

However, telling you the truth could be done reasonably kindly or nastily.

I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you

He CHOSE to be nasty. This was completely unnecessary. He had already told you the truth, he didn’t need to add this.

Then carry on further basically saying ‘I don’t care that you might be hurt’

He makes NO comment as to the fact that YOU were the one who carried two babies. HIS TWO BABIES.

We are all allowed physical preferences when choosing a life partner, but it’s beyond dickish to expect a partners body not to change as you go through life, especially when having babies and maturing. No one has the body of an 18 yo at 30/40.

‘Other than this’ your relationship isn’t great otherwise he wouldn’t have been needlessly hurtful. I suspect you’re putting up with far more shit than you realise.

💐

Give yourself a break. You didn't let yourself go, you focused your time and effort on your two little ones. I would join a gym and get your dh to look after the kids whilst you go. Also buy some recipe books like Joe Wicks and start buying and prepping healthy food. Take the kids out for walks every day and you'll soon look and feel better.

My hubby has said similar before but not as blunt. It was more the crap fat clothes I wore. He said I had put on a bit but he didn’t have an issue except it was health implications as he didn’t want to lose me. When big I wear tent clothes lol and I honestly look shite. I know that. I have depression. I gained 6 stone after having children so not a little amount at all. I lost it all after the first two children then got pregnant and with spd I wasn’t very mobile and ate because of boredom so gained it. Past few years I’ve been up and down. I’ve recently in the last year lost 3 stone again and feeling better.

You asked for his honesty and he gave it. Very blunt and could of worded it better but that may just be him.
The thing that gets me with your OH is that he’s also packed on the weight so should if been a bit more tactful. If he doesn’t fancy you bigger then why should you fancy him bigger. But saying that will be tit for tat.

It sounds like you’re sorting it out together and trying to lose weight together so that’s a positive. He may be angry with himself too or he’s trying and finds you not as much. I don’t know but his comment seemed to have anger in it.

At the end of the day he was honest like you wanted and you have your answer which is probably what you also think so hopefully rather than seeing it as a negative turn it into a push to get you both healthy.

I'm sorry you're so unhappy. But it sounds like your partner is too.

I'd use this as a great opportunity to talk, really talk, to him about your feelings - and to get him to talk about his feelings too.

He's done what you asked and has been honest, even if that felt hurtful.

If you're both struggling with weight gain, then this is something you could do together - using your wedding as a target.

I know you must be feeling hurt but try to turn this into something positive about the future. I'd also try and see this as a lesson about deeper communication with each other.

Good luck 💐

He didn’t put it kindly, but he was honest.
Op you are not happy, so you should lose weight for yourself
If you can afford to, join a local gym today.
Choose a two or three days to attend and make them non negotiable ( excepting emergencies etc).
Very gradually change your diet
However, I think the biggest turn off for him is the fact that you have little confidence.
Btw are you still attracted to your dh?

You're missing a bit. The first thing he said was that he doesn't find himself attractive either. He's admitted that his weight has made him unappealing. Then he's talked about yours. So he has put himself in the same boat with you, admitting that it's not just you but it's also him. He doesn't feel sexual because he's overweight, and he isn't sexually attracted to you because you're the same.

He's been honest, about you and himself. This is something you can both fix; it's great that he's been honest about all of it.

But the more important thing is that you're not happy with how you look or feel. So you'd be losing weight for yourself as well as your relationship. It's time for family walks after dinner and not more snacking etc. Work together, and you'll be much happier when the wedding gets here.