I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

He’s been honest. I do think he might be over-egging the pudding a bit though because of his feelings towards himself. Does he tend to generalise when he feels shit? Is the whole world a problem when one thing goes wrong? I’d say he’s given up hope on your love life mostly because of his own self-esteem. When I don’t fancy my husband. It’s because I don’t like how I look. When I feel good, I fancy him. I know that’s weird.
If you both did enough to feel more confident I think things would get better. Also, attraction is about what you’ve reinforced. If you only have sex when you’re both slim, that’s what your body responds to but it can change.

So you've put on weight and he's put on weight - which one of you has the excuse of gestating and birthing two babies?

@Janedoe5000

Option 4, eat him.

He shouldn't have been as blunt but you did ask.Do you still fancy him now he's put weight on? If you do I can understand how his comments would be upsetting.I once asked ex dh if id put weight on (I knew I had) and when he said yes I was gutted but it spurred me on to lose it because I wanted to.

In all seriousness though, that had to hurt. He could have been a bit nicer :( but if you accept it. See it as a posotive and work at it together. You'll both have more energy and things won't see so bad. Being healthy also makes you happier mentally :) good luck to you both

@YetAnotherSpartacus

There's no need for that. He's not hiding that he is part of the problem and has also become unattractive. And OP said she has asked several times, and he hasn't said anything because he obviously doesn't want to hurt her. Now she's text him demanding honesty, so he's broken down and told her.

No one is being cruel to the other. They aren't having an argument over who has excuses etc. She admits she gained weight AFTER having the baby, so it's not pregnant weight.

Slinging the whole "well I had kids" argument around won't solve the problem, and won't make OP happier. She's not happy with how she is, he's not happy with how he is and they both think the other has let themselves go. There's no blame and meanness here.

@Fashionista101 😂😂

I think what would bother me is this.

Although it will be possible for you to shed some weight and take a bit more care of yourself, now that your small children are starting to grow up, it's good to be realistic about the future.

It is really hard for busy parents to take care of themselves and look like they did when they were younger and weren't parents. Especially if their partner can't/won't do plenty of childcare.

And most people do gain a little bit of weight as they grow older. Realistically you're not going to be the ultra-slim, fashionably dressed young woman that you used to be.

If that image of who you used to be is what your partner finds desirable there's a problem.

If on the other hand he really loves who you are now, but simply would like you to have a bit more time in which to look after yourself, there's no problem that can't be fixed...

That is a horrible thing to hear but it's probably also for the best in the long run. He has said he still loves you. And people can't help what sort of person they are physically attracted to.
You deserve to make time for yourself to get fit and take care of yourself again. As long a she understands you have had his children so your body will never be the same again. It will always be a bit bigger around the waist and stomach. And he needs to recognise that is a sign of the phenomenal job you did, bearing him two DC who he loves. He wouldn;t rather have no DC and a 24 inch waist, would he?

It would be unfair of him to expect you to starve yourself on a VLCD just to please him, but it's fine for you to use this as a wake up call to make yourself fit and strong and toned and confident again, and to spend some money on yourself: hair, make up, new clothes etc.

I hope, long term, this works out for you.

Not very nice but at least he was honest.
He can see that you are unhappy too.

What will you do?

It is much easier if you both need to lose weight. You can motivate each other and make sure you don't cheat.

You need to change your diets and lifestyle asap and sick to it.

Don't but ANY cakes, biscuits, ice cream, crisps etc so you can't be tempted.

It's good that he's been honest but the text message was not supportive in the slightest.

It's unlikely that you'll be a tiny size 6 again after two kids, it must be hard for you to hear that after all the time, the main reason he got with you was because you were extremely thin.

You don't have that sexual collateral anymore but as pp have said being thin and being beautiful/making an effort are not mutually exclusive.

However, it does not sound like your partner would find you attractive even if you middled out at a size 10 and you were taking care of yourself better. It sounds like he wants you at your rock bottom weigh, ultra thin.

Is he going to help you lose weight? Is he going to shop for healthy meals and cook them? Is he going to look after the children while you go to the gym 2-5 times a week? Is he going to be kind after if you have a slip up with your diet?

Yes, many posters are going to say that people are attracted to what they are attracted to and you shouldn't vilify him for that.

However, it seems that he is not willing to help me lose the weight losing weight or work on the relationship.

He just wants you to be a size 6 again but even that won't solve all your problems.

He does not seem to be gently encouraging you, you have had to drag this uncomfortable truth out of him.

Would he be happy living in a sexless marriage if you hadn't said anything?

What about you? What do you want? What size will you be happy at? Plenty of man would find you attractive the way you are.

You have had two kids that changes a woman's body, not necessarily staying bigger forever but even your bone structure has changed now. Even if you were a size 6, you might not look the same.

Im sorry for you that your partner does not seem understand this.

You really must look very different to have gone from a 6/8 to 14/16 - a completely different woman. No wonder you don't feel yourself.

I think you can both come through this. Together and stronger.
Did you really think he would say anything different? Maybe he could have been a bit more gentle, but he didn't really say anything you didn't already know yourself.

What exercise do you do? Do you feel motivated to change?

Stop eating processed food. Cut down on pasta, rice, bread, potatoes etc and replace them with veg such as brocolli and carrots.

Cut down drastically on red meat. Eat only lean protein.

Don't have anything bad that can tempt you in the house at all.

Can I ask how much weight you have put on, OP? I know it’s hard to admit to anyone. I’m in Australia, and we use kilos here, so I’m going to tell you how much I put on in kilos and google that in pounds and stones (I think stones are such a bizarre measurement!!!) I was about 53 kilos when I got pregnant with my first baby. According to Google, that is 8st 3lbs or 115 lbs (I’m pretty short -157cm or 5ft2in). My second pregnancy was gruesome - twins and bed rest for the last six weeks. I ended up with PND, and I put weight on afterward because my thyroid died due to medical mismanagement as well. Yay team! I was just over 110kgs (17.32 stones or 242 lbs). It’s very hard to admit to. I was fucking miserable and everything hurt. I hated myself. I blamed everything. I WAS over-eating, though. I ended up designing what I called the ELF diet. (Eat Less Food) which focussed on smaller portions to begin with. I figured that if I didn’t miss out on things, but ate less, it would be a start. And it was. I lost SOME of my weight that way. Then I realized that I am never going to love going to the gym, and I live in a hot climate, so I have to find a way to bump my metabolism into gear. A lot of trial and here. I was doing low carb and it worked okay... slow, but steady. Then my neurologist put me on Keto for my migraines (unrelated) and the weight has been coming off quite quickly now. Not going to pretend it’s fun or easy, but it’s helping. I’m almost at my pre-baby weight. (My eldest is 14, but if I’m honest, I’ve only been serious about this weight loss gig for the last three months or so!)

Neither of you is happy with your weight. You both find yourself unattractive and that’s probably magnified when you see your partner reflecting what you dislike in yourself.

Quite apart from the weight your relationship is in a classic transition period as you change from being young lovers to parents. Intimacy often gets neglected then. It’s an old cliche (and like most cliches there is some truth in it) that women have to feel loved to want sex and men have to have sex to feel love. So when sleepless nights/feeling unattractive etc limit physical intimacy the emotional connection gets lost and things can spiral out of control.

The phrasing of his text is not kind but emotions are clearly running high here so I would cut him some slack. Continue as you are doing g trying to communicate and eat more healthily and put sex on the back boiler at the moment. Also, get some relationship counselling. It worked wonders for DH and I when we were in a similar position, so much so that i eventually trained as a psychotherapist myself with a particular focus on couples work. It doesn’t work for everyone but when it does work it can be amazing.

He’s a nasty bastard and I can’t believe some of the replies on this thread.

You’ve had two babies in five years. What’s his excuse?

14/16 is pretty average for most women. For context, I put on four stone a few years back, in the space of six months, as a side effect of medication. DH was nothing but kind. In all our time together he has never been anything but positive about my body, and I’ve been all over from an 8 to an 18.

The way your partner has said this is vile.

I'm guessing that you knew, in your heart of hearts, that this was the reason for the lack of interest from him. But I can imagine how much it hurts to actually hear it.

At least you know now. And he's been honest about himself too.

(I do think the "I wouldn't have looked twice..." bit was a bit cruel and unnecessary though)

You need to be in the right place yourself to tackle the weight issue for yourself though

There are a few ways around conditional attraction

Spend all your time trying to be exactly what you think the other person wants, regardless of health, age, etc.

Resolve not to have sex - problematic if you want it but not with each other.

Try to appreciate one another as you are and have a crack at redefining your idea of intimacy and attraction.

*YetAnotherSpartacus

There's no need for that*

Yes there is. The OP has carried and birthed his babies and this more often than not changes women's bodies. She deserves more respect - and love.

I'm voting for @Fashionista101's option 4 - eat him. [laugh]

The way he worded it OP is incredibly insensitive & as PP pointed out, you have a reason for putting on the weight, what's his excuse?? Yes you asked for honesty, but you didn't ask for him to be an insensitive, cruel prick. I hope you feel better for venting, & as you want too get fit & back to your old size, maybe you can use this as motivation to lose the weight.

He could have worded it better but you did ask him to be honest!
My dh is very lean, totally my type and if I'm totally honest I wouldn't find him as attractive if he were bigger. I would still love him just as much though.
It's a tough one and a topic that often produces very different responses, depending on the gender of the op!

Good grief, size 6/8 is tiny.
I think I must have been about 12 years old when I was that size.
Are you both quite young. I think a size 12/14 is quite a normal size for a woman. You are definitely not fat. I thought you were going to say you were a size 20.
If you want to get slim, do it for you. Certainly not back to your pre baby weight.
I would put the wedding on hold until you ( and he) get over this situation. Forget about the weight loss and just get yourself dressed up and go out with your girlfriends. I’m sure plenty of guys will find you attractive. I’m not advocating doing anything; you just need to see that you are a normal woman, and not judge yourself through your DPs very narrow lens.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Love and sexual attraction are not the same thing.

He loves her. He isn't sexually attracted to her. She demanded the truth and he told her; that's respect. Lieing would be disrespectful. He also fully accepts that he has gained weight. But making it into a competition of who has the best excuse does not help make the OP happy. She isn't happy with herself. And now this is a wake up call she maybe needs, but at least they can do it together.

Sorry I should have said 14/16 is a normal size for a woman