I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

LUckily he is unhappy with his weight too and doesn't fancy himself either!

I think this is the key to it- turn it into a joint enterprise, throwing teamwork finances and planning at it. It could be a thing you work on together

Good grief, size 6/8 is tiny.
I think I must have been about 12 years old when I was that size.
Are you both quite young. I think a size 12/14 is quite a normal size for a woman. You are definitely not fat.

I don't think you can say that. If OP is naturally small (she doesn't give her height or before/after weight anywhere) then 14/16 could most definitely be fat (by fat I presume you mean overweight).

I would be overweight at that size.

Wonder if some of the nastiness comes from how he feels about himself, and the pent-up feeling that comes with a taboo subject. I'm being generous here, his wording was crap. HOWEVER. It sounds like you agree with him , so maybe you should focus on the things you both want to change. Can you leave everyone for an hour on a Saturday to go for a run? Claiming your time in this way is so important when you've got little kids, and you might come to really prize that time.

He loves her. He isn't sexually attracted to her. She demanded the truth and he told her; that's respect. Lieing would be disrespectful. He also fully accepts that he has gained weight. But making it into a competition of who has the best excuse does not help make the OP happy. She isn't happy with herself. And now this is a wake up call she maybe needs, but at least they can do it together

First, please stop the @ ing.

Oh FFS. There was nothing loving or respectful about that message and if he was going to be honest maybe he should have said 'hey hun I love you and want to fuck you because you have stick figure - please realise that if you put on weight after birthing babies that share 50% of my DNA I reserve the right to find you unattractive and not want to fuck you'.

I think a red flag would be if he didn't commit to it for himself too, or understand that he also has lost his attractiveness (in his mind).
Make sure he doesn't make it all about you and hopefully he also understands that bodies change as we age

His honest answer could have been: I've put on weight, so have you, I'm feeling very down on myself, I am therefore criticising in you what I hate about myself and so don't want sex right now. However, I love you and want to work this out somehow, can we talk about this?

His actual answer was, while honest, also bloody nasty, vindictive and cruel - what a thing to say to a woman who has had two kids! I only fancy you when you're thin but I've impregnated you twice and now don't want to live with the consequences? Ugh.

So OP has to maintain a pre-baby weight forever and on or else her DH won't have sex with her? I mean, it may just be me, but I find that to be a huge load of unreasonable pressure to put on anyone. No bloody wonder she's upset.

That must have been tough to read, but maybe you needed to. There is a lot attractive about a slim, fit, healthy, confident, outgoing partner. There is not much attractive about one slobbing around.

Maybe this is the impetus you need to get your act together. Btw, if it's any consolation, I'm also battling some demons and it takes hard fucking work and slog and pushing yourself when you really really don't want to. Progress is slow on my part, but I'm trying hard. And it is fucking hard work at the start until you start to see improvements in fitness, health, body. I know it's worth it.
He did say he loves you, which is a good starting point.

Why are you having a conversation like that using text messages?
Try talking to each other.

I'm sorry he upset you but you did ask.
Every time there is a thread about obesity someone always comments that size 16 is average so ok.
Ffs. 16 is obese with the vanity sizing we have now it's a 20 anyway. Being average just proves what a serious situation this country has with obeseity.
Constantly using childbirth as the 'why I'm fat' excuse is also regularly sprouted on here. Having a baby doesn't make you remain fat after the birth . Eating too much does. Blame the baby not your gob by all means but everyone knows you're kidding yourself.
The OP clearly states she put in weight after the baby was born. She also stopped doing her hair and wearing make up so essentially is nothing like the woman he married.

I saw a useful diagram yesterday called the Iceberg of Success. At the top all you see is the tip of the iceberg, called Success.
Underneath however, there is hard work, failure, resilience, determination, sacrifice, pain, endurance, etc. etc.

No, just no.. wtf guys?!! Yes we are all entitled to have body types we prefer/ sexual preferences but how many women here would love to be married to someone who looks like Jason Momoa? And how manys dp actually looks like Jason Momoa? It's far from realistic to expect your partners body not to change as life/ shit happens. There's a very good chance that op will never be size 6 again, any stretch marks she's developed will never disappear, if she does loose weight more then likely her tummy will be saggy, these are all normal things that happens to women's body's when they carry children. Fine if Op wants to loose the weight for herself and her own health and well being, but her dh is a super critical arsehole. Size 14/16 is the average size for a woman, to most men op would probably look amazing. He sounds super picky and really unrealistic in his bodily preferences, what happens if op has another baby? Is that all sex gone for 2 years until she's lost enough weight so he's interested again? Or if op suffers an illness where weight gain is unavoidable? Or just plain and simple ages like we all do? Living with someone so fucking shallow would be a nightmare and you'll always feel under pressure and not good enough. You are in for a sexless marriage with someone so shallow as your dh op. It's not realistic to stay size 6 forever. In my early 20s all my friends were size 6/8.. then life happened, now in our early 40s none of us are overweight, but for sure none of us are size 6, and none of our husbands expect us to be either, or withhold sex because we are not their ideal. That's a crazy way to live. He may just be being honest but at the end of the day his honesty just shows he's not a very nice person.

OP, if this is affecting your (mental) health, try visiting your GP. My DSis was a size 18 and hated herself, as she is very short it was affecting her in all kinds of ways. She went to see her GP, he prescribed 12 weeks with WW, she is now a size 14 and very much happier, and has taken up swimming in an effort to keep the weight off and get fit.

Perhaps you could take your little one in one of those floaty things, and push it swimming behind?

You both sound really sad and low about yourselfs,but you can turn that into a positive,you both know how the other one is feeling because your both feeling that way about yourselves.

You both want to lose weight and that is something you can do together,if it was me and my DH I'd be looking for a new activity that we could do together,something that we could enjoy together,something we could do and laugh at ourselves and at each other about,it could be anything,you could take up a new sport/hobbie or re start an old one that you enjoyed.

I put on alot of weight Blackandyellowbee after I had my 5th DC and became very ill.
I was a size 6 when me and my DH met,I went upto a size 22 so a lot lot bigger than you but I never gave up on everything else,I still got my hair done,still wore nice clothes and still wore make up and had my nails done.

I've joined slimming world and I'm now down to a size 16,still bigger than I want to be but I have dropped 3 dress sizes and it won't be long and I'll be a size 12(that's where I want to be)and I've found a love for swimming again and playing golf(something I'd really enjoyed but hadn't done for years)and I've found I really enjoy going for nice long walks in the countryside with my DH.

Together you and your DH can loose weight and you can have fun along the way(and believe me I never thought I'd say that about loosing weight)and rediscover one another and rediscover what made you fall in love with one another.

Good luck OP.

I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you.

This is completely unnecessary in my opinion.
He's implying that he was only interested because she was thin and even if he doesn't mean it, it makes it sound like he only values her for his looks.
It's a dickhead thing to say.

He could have "been honest" about his feelings without being cruel. Obviously it is going to be hurtful if someone says they aren't sexually attracted to you because of your weight. If he'd phrased it as being a problem both of them have due to weight (which he sort of did in the first sentence) and suggested some ways to deal with this, they could have worked on it together (some great suggestions from other people upthread).

OP what you do now depends on what you think of the sentence I quoted above.
I don't think I could tolerate that sort of thing, whereas "you've put on a little weight as have I and that's what is affecting our sex life, perhaps we could make a plan to get fit together" would be acceptable.

Putting on weight AFTER having a kid has nothing to do with pregnancy.

She openly admitted that she just stopped taking care of herself, put on weight, doesn't do much about her appearance. That's not a little bit of pregnant weight. That's a lifestyle choice. Posters shouting "but you had a baby" need to give it a rest. A baby is not an excuse for an unhealthy lifestyle or to live the remainder of your life overweight or obese.

And "normal" in this country is overweight so it's not OK.

I know it hurts to hear the truth but it's coming from his own self-loathing as well - he said so.

I don't feel attractive at the moment either for the same reason - I'm a lot heavier than I should be and it's not in a good place. DH is very weight-conscious himself and worries about his own belly size, but he so far is keeping fairly trim, so he has no self-loathing. Because of this, he doesn't seem to be that bothered about my size. Not saying he's happy with it (nor am I, as I said) but he doesn't make an issue of it.

So my point is I think he's projecting his own self-disappointment onto you as well. I think it's great that you are both trying to lose weight together - I hope you both manage to reach a place where you are happy with yourselves again.

For context I'm 5'6''
Was 8 stone 10 now 13 stone.

I dont think there is an issue with telling your partner you don't find them sexually attractive anymore. My OH is quite fit with muscle and i have told him that if he gets bigger (more muscly) i will not find it attractive and likewise for him when i put on weight or go back to lifting weights and he tells me. Its just a personal preference and there is nothing wrong with that.

Your OH message was rude and he could have worded it much better and been a bit more sensitive. But at least you have the truth now. For your own mental health work on you and that alone will make your sex life better. If he too needs to lose weight work on supporting eachother and doing it together.

Men can often be tactless and struggle to express themselves when emotions are involved. If he’s been bottling this up for a while, he may have just snapped and poured out a lot of feelings in his text, after you repeatedly pushed him for an answer.
A great deal of his anti fat comment is projection- he hates his own fat and is transferring that loathing to you. I’d take it with a pinch of salt.
Long term, you can get through this.
Reassure him that you still love him (assuming you do), and plan to lose weight together.
But I would put the wedding on hold until you have worked through this. It’s a big commitment to someone who doesn’t even want sex with you. See how you both feel after say, three months of weight loss.

What he's said and the way he said it is pretty nasty and I'd struggle to get past it. If my OH said that to me it would kill any feelings I had for him.

In your shoes OP I'd seriously consider leaving, because of the nastiness rather than the honesty. Then I'd lose the weight for me.

He's not going to find you attractive as you age either, is he?

Oh and if we're discussing whether a 14/16 is fat - well it does rather depend on how tall you are and your build, but in my case - yes, yes it is. I am fat. My BMI is under 30 but I am still fat - I carry it mostly round my middle, which is the most unhealthy place to carry it.

Putting on weight AFTER having a kid has nothing to do with pregnancy

She said she didn't lose the weight ...

There are some really disturbing comments on this thread.

Its seems that you are both unhappy with your weight, so how about seeing if you can work on that together?
Also, can you find time for a nice haircut/colour and a new outfit that makes you feel good.
Obviously his words hurt, but at least he is being honest with you and you have something you can work towards.
Good luck!

She openly admitted that she just stopped taking care of herself, put on weight, doesn't do much about her appearance. That's not a little bit of pregnant weight. That's a lifestyle choice.

Bollocks is it a lifestyle choice. It's the potential consequences of having 2 under 5 and a much busier life than before with less time to spend on yourself, let alone any possible mental health issues and a hugely shallow, unsupportive, withholding, controlling and demanding partner.

Whatever happened to 'in sickness or in health'? Through thick and thin (quite literally)? I can't fathom why, on a mum- and women-oriented forum, a bunch of women are queueing up to tell a woman whose DH and father of her children has told her she's too fat to fuck to lose the weight, instead of, oh I dunno, lose the 15 stone of dickhead hanging around her neck or, at the very least, address said dickheadery.

'Do what I say and be what I say or I won't fuck you' is a massive red flag for me.