I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

It's good that he was honest.
By all means loose weight but do it for yourself.
However this doesn't bode well for a long and happy marriage - what happens when you are wrinkly, old and grey? Will still be attracted to you then? You might be able to keep him happy while you are young but will he still be happy and attracted to you in 20 years time? There really is more to marriage than lust - I hope he knows that? I'm not sure I'd be marrying someone who only wants me when I look nice.

I'm a size 14, and although I guess how the weight looks on a person is also dependent on their height I don't class that weight as 'fat'. It's not skinny to be sure, it's curvy and cuddly, but nowhere near obese. They won't have to take the roof off my house and lift me out with a crane anytime soon. It sounds like you are very similar size to me OP and I can categorically state with no doubt in my mind whatsoever that my DH wouldn't care if I was a size 14 or a 10 - I'm not sure he would even notice the difference. He would never say to me what your partner has said to you. As frankly, as your OH is overweight himself he hasn't got any room to talk. He may have been honest but there are ways of wording things, he came at it like a sledgehammer, it was uncalled for. Lose weight only if that's what you want to do for yourself, I'm sure you are lovely at any weight, in fact some people don't suit being skinny - I am one of them. At a size 10 I look gaunt and ill.

Did he really have to be that harsh about it? Is he usually like that?

I had one woman on my team who was massively overweight. She constantly talked about how hard it is 'when you have kids you know'. She seemed utterly discombobulated to discover I had a 12 year old. I hadn't realised that she presumed I was not a mother until I happened to mention my daughter in one conversation. It was like it was her 'get out of jail' card - I've got kids. She saw me going to the gym every lunch time and probably thought that I fucking enjoyed it! Believe me, it was torture, but I put in the work. I would have loved nothing more than to head to McD's but no, I dragged myself to the gym, mostly unwillingly. The thing about it is, that it's the thoughts of it that is worse. When you're actually there, it's not so bad. Just drag yourself there and the rest of you will follow lol.

Magic size 14 is average uk size isn’t it? So not fat?

I look awful if I drop to a size 8, it makes my face look old so I have to stay around 10-12 to look healthy.

I'm surprised it's that important and as we get older our bodies change

Some of us lose breasts, some of us have huge scars or tummies that we have to tuck in. Some have bits gouged out of us or bits that sag. Some lose the ability to walk or see - all of the above have happened to friends of mine. I've gained weight because I am a carer for elderly members of my family and have no time for the gym. Really, in the scheme of things a few extra pounds or even stone hardly matter. I do think that people in glass houses should not throw stones though and the sanctimonious self-satisfied 'I've had a zillion kids and still weigh the same as a feather' types should really watch their words.

Coming at this from a male perspective, I lost a lot of weight (3 stones) very quickly after exW’s affair. Losing weight that time was stress / shock related by just not eating.

I eventually met my DP and we both gradually gained weight, to the point where in 3 years I’d put that 3 stone back on, plus a bit. DP probably put a similar amount on. Neither of us liked ourselves in photos so we joined SW together. I lost over 4 stone and losing weight (healthily) has made a massive difference to how we both feel, our energy levels and our sex life.

Your DH was insensitive in his phrasing, although I suspect some of that was frustration at being constantly pushed for an “honest” answer, but losing weight together would bring huge benefits to you both, whilst setting a good example to your DC.

I put on weight because I ate too many cakes. Nothing to do with looking after small children.
I did gain 4st with my first pregnancy. Lost it within a year (a stone of it was baby and associated fluid).
I've recently been eating really badly and gained 5lbs. Its the cakes. I've cut them out along with all snacks. There are lots of excuses on here.

He wasn’t kind, and I don’t think being honest saying that you being thin was what attracted him. If that was the only thing, then he’s a superficial riser. But I very much doubt it was. But sensitivity perhaps isn’t his strong point.

I think you’ll be having a long conversation tonight, neither of you are happy with yourselves and you are both at the point where you can encourage and support each other.

But striving to get back to a 6/8 will be difficult so don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not a realistic goal at this point. Our bodies change after PG, and those changes aren’t bad, just different.

Being a SAHM is fucking boring some days and quite often food is a pleasurable highlight. Or, it’s coffee with other parents, lunches. These become our social life and are important. Often they are our only indulgences.

Look after yourself OP. You’ve gone through a huge life changing transition having had DCs. If you aren’t happy with yourself, plenty of time to get happy. Same goes for your DH.

Best of luck with it.

The message is completely fair enough [healthy looking people are attractive, who knew?] though of course he wasn't at all tactful.

A better, though still honest, way to put it would have been "I'm feeling unattractive because of my weight gain, your weight gain probably doesn't help either, perhaps we could lose some together?".

I'd also check his porn usage op. Some men that have very unrealistic ideals of women and are not attracted to average women have conditioned themselves this way through porn. The fact he won't have sex with you is a red flag. He's admitted it's just because of how you look so he must be getting off to women he does fancy and that's not going to help his unrealistic views one bit.

I'd also check his porn usage op

I suspect we are on a winner here.

Urgh. To say he wouldn't have even considered placing his award-winning magnificent penis inside you if you were not thin when he met you...just urgh. He doesn't want a wife he wants a mannequin - never changing, always at the specified standard of appearance he deems fuckable, no feelings, no thoughts.

Urgh.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks - you win the thread as far as I am concerned!

I would loose the weight OP but put marriage plans on a firm hold. He sounds like a shallow tit. Married life has many ups and downs over the decades and this sounds like a minor pot-hole.....and he's behaving like this!????

I know it is too late now but I really think this sort of conversation should be had in person not by text. I'm not sure what you expected him to reply.
I would suggest having another discussion about losing weight together, focusing on things you can do together. eg giving up alcohol and takeaways, no snacks in the house (crisps etc), going for (long) walks together with DCs, finding reduced calorie recipes you can take it in turns to cook. This might help you both feel closer as well as helping a bit with weight loss, which we all know is hard.

This is a turning point for both of you. I think it's good he's been honest and he isn't laying it solely at your door, he's spoken about his own appearance too.

Draw up a plan together, use your wedding as a goal to get fit and healthy, both of you. When you have both improved your self esteem and appearance you will likely get your sex lie back.

I do find it weird that you're not exactly obese and he can't find ANYTHING attractive about you. I get that you can't help what you feel, but I'm a bit overweight but DH still loves my breasts and legs. of course he'd like me to be thinner, but it hasn't stopped him appreciating me completely. Having said that, I like to think that I generally dress fairly well and take care with my appearance, without being fanatical. So I try to find clothes that maximise my good points and minimise my less good points, keep my hair nice and look after my skin etc, even if I'm not wearing make up all the time. And I know DH likes it when I have made an effort, as I do when he does.

I also think the text was unnecessarily cruel for someone you supposedly love. He could have been honest in a much nicer way. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps because he's also self conscious about his weight, he was lashing out.

Best case is you work on this together. Not just the weight loss, but making more effort on your respective appearances. Does he shave regularly, wear clothes that fit well, get his hair trimmed etc as necessary? If not, he needs to start. Same with you.

Interesting fact both DH and I have found, is that trying to squeeze into too small clothes DOESN'T help you to feel motivated to lose weight. Rather, buying clothes that fit and make you feel as good as possible, reminds you how much better you feel when you look good an incentives weight loss.

I too think he has just snapped and worded it badly. It might not actually be the small size he misses as much as the woman who looked after herself and had confidence. Its probably more the complete package that he misses but being a man he only identifies the weight side of it.

I have put on weight over the years and my dp has never complained about it, but I was not happy in myself. Over the last year I have begun to loose the weight and I feel so much happier in myself.

Why don't you pair up and try and loose some weight together. Maybe get a fitbit each and do daily challenges etc. But in the meantime start looking after yourself a little bit more. Do your nails or get a hair cut, whatever you like, but start caring for yourself. Not to look more attractive to your dh, but because you deserve to be looked after and hopefully it will make you feel a little better about yourself. Remember you are worth looking after whatever weight you are, don't put it on hold until you have lost weight.

Whatever the national average is, its not the op's ideal /preferred weight. She said she isn't comfortable at a size 16: so let's not pretend that she should be OK with it.

If my husband was morbidly obese I probably wouldn't find him attractive BUT putting on a bit of weight is something I expect over the years (and especially after kids for women). If your attraction to someone is so precarious that you won't find them remotely attractive if they're a little overweight there's a big problem.

The way he phrased his response to you was quite aggressive, as if he was lashing out. I'd say that either this is a response to issues in the relationship generally - perhaps just the big change of having kids has become focused into this issue. It's also possibly a reflection of his own self esteem. Perhaps he's struggling with his own weight gain and weight has now become a massive issue for him and he's deflecting that outwards on to you.

I would try and have an open, non-confrontational discussion with him about how best you can support each other. You both want to lose weight and that's great but that obviously isn't the main issue.

For some people, attraction is a massive part of their relationship, its a reason they love the other person, but for most people they love their partner regardless. If you love him and there are no other problems in your relationship then make a massive effort together to lose weight, go for long walks together and cut out all the rubbish food.
Personally I would be hurt at the way he feels, its quite shallow, but you did ask him to be honest. I put a lot of weight on years ago (over 3 stones and I'm only short) and my dh didn't treat me any differently. I lost it in the end because I was genuinely upset at the way I looked, I was embarrassed. You should lose weight for yourself not for anyone else.

Ouch.

OK, so he could have been a little gentler.

But as others have suggested, perhaps you could both use this as motivation to help you BOTH lose weight and get healthier?

If you're not happy and he's not happy - it's time to do something about it.

I would put the wedding on ice until I had worked out if our relationship had a good chance of working first. If you want to lose weight then now is the time to start. Set yourself a realistic target. Do you still fancy your partner? He was honest with you but he has still hurt you. If he has put on weight too it sounds like he is the pot calling the kettle black. Personally I would want my dh to love me if I put on weight or not but I have been told I am hard to please .

OP have you pushed and pushed this issue.

It does sound like someone who has been pushed and tried to avoid it for a long time.

I actually don't think there is that much wrong with what he said. When first met someone their looks are important. I guess what he meant is that initial first meeting would not have resulted in romance if she was overweight like she is now.

What's wrong with meeting someone but not fancying them?