I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

I think his answer sounds like the answer of someone who has been asked many times for an answer and finally snapped. Am I right OP?

I hope you can both talk about this kindly to each other later

I remember good friend of mine being honest with me about my weight gain a few years after my youngest. As hard as it was to hear, it gave me to impetus to do something about it.

Take this as a turning point. You'll be happier and healthier. Good luck.

I’m so sorry you had to hear that from him. It was unkind and badly phrased.

Is he saying that if you lost weight, he’d regain interest? Or is he saying the ‘damage’ is done (sorry for the horrible phrasing) and cannot be repaired?

Blackandyellowbee I am the same height as you and put on a similar weight (same start weight as you too) during my unhappy marriage (no children).
I still got compliments from people as was told I was beautiful at my heaviest weight, but now dh and I have broken up, I've lost the weight my god the difference is amazing. I have started enjoying clothes like I used to, and making more effort in general (not because I'm single, because the last thing I want is a relationship/ons) I love being me again.
It's not just about weight, it's about energy, health and confidence, those are all attractive qualities you can lose if you gain too much weight.
I would forgive your dp for his honesty and work out a way to prioritise both your weight and well being.

Seems a bit crap if he's put weight on too, to be honest.

Perhaps you both need to embrace change, find a good diet plan to follow together and make a commitment to start liking each other again?

My DD and I are doing the veggie Joe Wicks at the moment, it's really simple recipes and quick to cook.

Your BMI is 29.2

He was honest but that doesn't mean everything is OK.

This comment:

I was first attracted to you because you were thin.

Physical attraction is important at the early stages of a relationship and for short-term relationships and ONS it may be perfectly fine for it to be the be all and end all.

However, you guys are allegedly in this for the long haul -started a family and planning to get married. That really requires you to love and be attracted to your partner holistically or failure of the relationship is almost inevitable.

Even if you were to lose weight this time and bring yourself closer to his ideal shape you're not going to stay like that forever. You're going to age, you may have more children, your body will change and invariably not for the better. The two of you really need to have a meaningful conversation and he needs to very carefully consider what is important to him.

A final thought. If you want to lose weight then good for you and go for it. You'll stand a much greater chance of success if you are in a good place emotionally (e.g feeling loved by your partner) than if you're feeling unloved and your confidence is on the floor. You might point that out to him.

"The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother". I don't remember where that quote came from but it has served me very well over the years.

Sorry but that text from him was nasty, not just honest.

Wouldn't have looked twice at you?? That's a horrible thing to say.

You've had children - and you're a size 14 - not exactly morbidly obese.

I'd be heartbroken if my husband said those things. It should have been worded a lot more kindly.

Honestly op id be furious with him but it's up to you how you move forward. I accept I may just be overly sensitive.

My partner said the same thing to me when I piled the weight on. I kept asking him what the issue was and he eventually admitted he just didn’t find me attractive anymore as I was a lot bigger than when we had first met.
I was furious, upset, humiliated etc and it ruined our relationship for a while as I just felt so angry with him.
I eventually lost the weight and I’m now fit, happy, healthy, loads of energy etc and I thank him for giving me the push I needed to do it. If he had never told me I was getting fat then I would have continued as I was and never done anything about it

It sounds like you'd like to lose weight and if you can then that'll be great. Your marriage is fixed. Your husband will be able to cope with his wife. Phew.

But of course, make very sure you don't put any on again, won't you OP ...

There is a fourth answer:
Leave him then lose weight to a point where YOU are happy with YOU and your weight doesn't point to current or future health issues which might affect your ability to be a good parent whilst your DC are reliant upon you.

There were other kinder ways to get his message across, and it should have begun with YOU not being happy with YOU, and WE are not happy with US. One feeds into, and off, the other.
I am 35 years into the same relationship. I've been losing and putting on the same 3 stone all these years. Never once has my partner been so turned off that he has withdrawn from our sex life. It's always been me feeling too self conscious at my heaviest.
Over the past year I've edged up towards my heaviest again (cheers Menopause). I withdrew from intimacy again. He leaves me to mull it over for a while, then we have a roots up sort out of our relationship, then we can happily resume our sex life and - weirdly - having sex again and feeling reassured triggers me into losing weight and pursuing a healthy lifestyle. [Eyes up natural yogurt and fruit lunch menu].
And I am blessed (?) with a DH who weighs exactly the same as when I met him, has iron willpower and just quietly keeps himself fit. B*^%#}{.

I'll give it from the perspective of the other way round. My ex put on a lot of weight, mainly on his stomach, and the thoughts of this heaving 'thing' on top of me, really really was not attractive. I still loved 'him' at the time, but just not his body, or all that the weight gain stood for - laziness, lack of ambition, lack of motivation, unhealthiness etc.
You really really have to work hard to get what's worth having.
Are you prepared to put in the work?
You might envy people who are slim, but as I tried to explain with the Iceberg of Success, anything worth having, does not come easy. You think people get toned attractive bodies by sitting on their asses? I'm sure, no more than you, they'd love nothing more than to eat chips, fries, curries, chocolate, sit around and drink alcohol. But you can't do that and be slim and healthy at the same time.
Have I mentioned it's HARD WORK. I'm sure you will say you're not lazy, so don't be lazy about this element of your life, which could actually change your life.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

From the OP

"I didn't lose the weight, I gained it."

Perhaps before critising my ability to read, you should double check what was said.

He's not going to find you attractive as you age either, is he?

This ... He;s expecting you to return to the attractive young thing he first met, and that's not possible
how's he going to handle more wrinkles / grey hair / health issues / menopause ?

Yes absolutely loose weight if you want to feel healthier and happier in yourself .... but if he can't remain kind & supportive through life's ups & downs, a stone less or more here or there won't fundamentally change that

FOR FUCK'S SAKE stop '@' ing me. I DON'T want emails telling me you have '@' me.

It's clear - she put on weight during pregnancy TO BEGIN WITH. Pregnancy was the trigger.

If you don't want posted at then atop picking at every comment I make.

She gained some weight in pregnancy. Fine. But then carried on gaining weight. Pregnancy is not an excuse to continue living life overweight when you are no longer pregnant.

Firstly I'd like to know how you feel about him? Do you still want to have sex with him despite his weight gain?

I think his reply is very hurtful, and there is no consideration to your feelings. He could have said "we've both put on weight, we're tired and we are not as fit and healthy as we used to be, so I'm really not interested in sex at the moment. Can we work on this together and get back to how we used to be?"

Instead he's told you that he doesn't want to fuck you because you've put on weight. I am around your weight and height, and I am not happy with my weight currently, but i am very fit and active. However the ins and outs of the specific weight are irrelevant - you are at a weight that he doesn't find attractive.

I think you need to think really carefully about this relationship. Nothing wrong with losing weight and getting fitter because you want to. It will no doubt make you feel better (I know it will make me feel better when I do) but what happens down the line? Say you lose the weight, he decides that your worthy to fuck again, happy days. You then get married, perhaps have another baby. Or you may end up with a chronic illness or injury that means you put on some weight. It may be even that job issues, an illness in the family or anything that happens to each and every one of us in life causes you to take your eye off the ball with exercise, and resort to comfort eating to keep going. You're then going to end up in a sexless marriage, with someone who refuses intimacy unless you look a particular way. Is this what you really want, or what you are worth??

Pretty poorly worded. I don't know if it's just me but I don't know anyone who has 2 kids and goes onto remain a size 6, especially past 30. (To be honest I don't know anyone smaller than size 10)
I think if he only finds women that tiny he's unlikely to find someone that slim in later life and it's unrealistic.
Average size is actually size 16 (make of that what you will)
I don't know, I've put on weight and a substantial amount of it too, I know my husband prefers slim women but it hasn't effected our sec lives, he's put on a couple of stone too and whilst I'd rather he hasn't I love HIM and still find him sexy.
I'm surprised it's that important and as we get older our bodies change, I think he's being a bit harsh to talk to you like that, it's hardly going to help with your self esteem.
Do you find him attractive after he's spoken to you like that? I'd find it difficult to be honest.

I guess that’s the problem when you end up with someone who has only really gone for you in the first place for your looks.

I also find the pregnancy excuse an excuse. Great, you've produced a baby. Or two or ten. But it doesn't give you an excuse to lose the run of yourself. I understand that exhaustion creeps in (enter my views on letting babies settle themselves and formula feeding), but really, it comes down to laziness. An 'I can't be assed' attitude. I've produced a baby, now I can do what I like.
I was always a single Mum, so I didn't have the adoration you married people have. I literally had to get my shit together (and that was being single, unemployed, suffering from PND).
Do it for yourself. You deserve to look good and feel good. But as I said, and I'm going to repeat it, you've got to put in some work! And sacrifice. And cold steely determination.

I agree with a poster above that his reply was clearly someone snapping because they've been repeatedly questioned about the same issue. And OP said herself that she has questioned it before.

It's a hard thing to tell someone. He didn't know how to say it, especially because he knows he's gained weight too. OK continually asks and then send a text basically saying "you must answer me now" so he did. It wasn't tactful, it was full of frustration and poorly worded. But we all sound like that when we snap.

At the end of the day, you love each other but the physical aide had dwindled. And there's nothing wrong with expected you each to take care of yourselves.

Durdledoo, I have one child, am 40 and am a size 6.

I'm 29. 2 kids (single parents since youngest was 6 months so 2 under 5 whilst alone). And I'm a size 8. It takes work. Some of us put the work in, some don't. But pregnancy isn't a reason for years of obesity.

You asked him to be honest, I know he was harsh and it must of hurt.

It’s normal to let yourself go a bit after having kids, I did and it took me 10 years before I did something about it, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror so I’m sure my partner didn’t want to see it either. I understand you must be feeling upset but you have 3 choices, you carry on in a sexless marriage and continue to gain weight, you leave him and find someone who isn’t bothered what you look like or you suggest to him that you both change your life style, maybe join a gym and start eating better food? You can either support each other in being healthier or you can split up. I split with my husband, he called me fat, told me I had let myself go and told me no one would want me. I kicked him out and then lost the weight 🤣

I then realised the reason I was fat wasn’t because I had children but because I was not happy with dh or the situation I was in (being a full time mum with no social life).

Seriously, you could be healthier and happier in months if you make a few simple changes.