I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

If someone says something I find slightly ludicrous then I'll say I find it hard to believe.

I don’t find anxious, neurotic men attractive. Endearing, funny etc - fine. Attractive, no.

He sounds like a very unpleasant person (as a previous PP said). I think you would find it very easy to lose 14 stone or so (I.e. him!) then you can think about yourself and what would make you happy x

I don’t find anxious, neurotic men attractive. Endearing, funny etc - fine. Attractive, no.

Isn't that completely in your control though? Seeing as you said this, which prompted my response in the first place:

It’s total bollocks we don’t have control over who we are attracted to. It’s usually trotted out to justify poor choices.

So do you have control over your attraction then? If you have control over who you are attracted to then why do you choose not to be attracted to anxious men

Because I have no reason to. But if my DH had a nervous breakdown I might have reason to change my mind.

Because you have no reason to be attracted to anxious men? Couldn't you say that for anything? Why is it not bollocks for you to not be attracted to anxious men yet it is bollocks for the OP's partner to not be attracted to overweight people? Surely he could say there's no reason to be attracted to overweight people therefore he is not attracted to them

You’re unhappy with yourself as is he with himself .

Come together to work on this as team .

Also my partner told me that I needed to lose weight , which my doctors being telling me for months but I’ve ingnored . He is telling me for my health , I’m proud of him.

Unfortunately fat isn’t healthy , I’m fat , but I’m also not stupid . Every single one of my health issues has got worse with weight gain and there is clear correlation in research to suggest that .

I’m a similar size to you and my partner is helping me with diet and excercise

I said it was bollocks that we don’t have control over who we’re attracted to not that it was bollocks for the OP’s partner not to be attracted to fat people.

He must give himself a fright when he looks in the mirror - which i suspect is the real problem here.

My point is acceptance is a big part of mature love. Anxiety. Acne. Weight. Whatever. Dont be a dick to someone you love is the main theme of all my points. Life is hard enough without the person you love giving you a hard time.

Its not about saying someone grosses you out or other such teenage type language.

I dont have acne either

IMHO, he laid the problem with himself as well and mentioned it first. He wants to work together to remedy it. Once attraction has been snuffed out entirely, some people can't magic it back and many men simply can't just get on with it for duty's sake. Would you rather believe he had stopped loving you or an OW? His wording was desperately clumsy, but it sounds like he wants to save your intimacy and your marriage. Three stone, even if you're a strapping six footer is a lot, you can't just ignore it if you're somebody who is attracted visually. The posters who are frothing at the mouth about this would maybe rather he just sloped off and ended your marriage without the opportunity to fix things.

I would be willing to place a bet that if the OP slimmed down and got in shape and her husband stayed 5 stone overweight he would still not be able to have sex because he has too much self hatred and self disgust.

The posters who are frothing at the mouth about this would maybe rather he just sloped off and ended your marriage without the opportunity to fix things.

Utter nonsense, I have a big belief in myself actually and would not allow anyone to put me down so degradingly.