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Original poster

I asked for the truth I got it ...

387 replies

blackandyellowbee · 08/01/2019 09:47

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

OP posts:
MrsBrianWarner · 09/01/2019 18:17

I think this has moved into the realm of justifying the unjustifiable.

Again.

Not finding someone with acne attractive is ones prerogative. Talking about pus filled acne in a demeaning manner? With contempt and disgust?

Rude and unneccessary. And a reflection on the person saying it.

isitisitwicked · 09/01/2019 18:26

I'm a size 22 and let me tell you it isn't a barrel of laughs. You are no where near my size but because of my size I have now got a serious health condition. I used to be 4 stone lighter before my son but still over weight. Its natural and it does creep on with kids but it does have to stop if your unhappy. My partner fancy's me no matter my size luckily but I've started losing weight for myself and my son mostly. You need to be in the right frame of mind or it will never work

Aridane · 09/01/2019 18:31

You're not the woman he married - simple as that.

And you know yourself it's to just the weight gain but not looking after yourself (hair, clothes) and low self esteem.

Still very harshly put.

Work on improvement for yourself.

Or if you can self improve together without recrimination and rancour

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 18:34

And he is not the man she married. But he doesn’t seem to have factored that in.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2019 19:43

But he doesn’t seem to have factored that in

Yes he did. It was his very first sentence.

NameChanger22 · 09/01/2019 19:51

How much does he weigh? You could lose that amount of weight very quickly; by showing him the front door.

On the other hand, I've never found a fat man attractive, so he does have a slight point. Still very rude though.

TacoLover · 09/01/2019 21:13

I think in reply to the pus filled acne comment, replace all those delightful visual aids with

My point wasn't that people have to look like my ideal. I would never force anyone to change themselves nor would I tell them that I don't find them attractive(unless I was in a situation like the OP's partner) I would just decline having a relationship/sex with them. I would never be nasty to their face about it. The point I was making is that people can't control what grosses them out or what turns them off. People can't control their preferences, that's the point I was making. I can't force myself to be sexually attracted to a morbidly obese person. And how does anxiety have anything to do with physical attractionConfused

MrsBrianWarner · 09/01/2019 22:27

One might find people with anxiety unattractive? For example.

If you had an anxious spouse, would you say i wouldnt have considered you a contender if you had anxiety when we first met? Or would you go along the lines of being supportive to help someone manage that?

Is that any different to weight? Or acne?

To say someone 'grosses you out' is um...i will leave it there.

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 22:56

Yes he did. It was his very first sentence.

No. He just played lip service to it so he couldn’t be accused of hypocrisy.

Factoring it in would have involved thinking through how he would feel if the OP had said the same to him, particularly given his self-hatred, and then expressing it more sensitively.

If she’d told her DH ‘honestly’ that she couldn’t fuck a man 5 stone overweight, that she was originally only attracted to him because he was fit, and wouldn’t have looked twice if he wasn’t - he would have had the same reaction as the OP. Maybe worse because he clearly has self image issues.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/01/2019 23:07

Tbh, l'f be losing around 15st ! (or whatever the fat fucker weighs) overnight.

Then again as someone upthread said, I also want someone to find me.desireable regardlss of my weight. I know not everyone can but there are plenty of people who will. I have been married twice and in neither case did they go off me when I put on weight ( as I do/did regularly). If they had, I would absolutely not have married them regardless of how..much I loved them.

In order for.me.to.love someone I have to respect them and I could.havr
no respect for the.man who sent that email. His email is more about his issues with weight and self esteem than your weight op.

I get that he doesn't have to find you attractive bigger, but that reply as vile absolutely vile. He has done you a favour though, he has shown you who he really is before you marry him. Think long and hard before you do

I also wish you.luck in losing weight, if that is what YOU want to.do. I am sure you can if.you want to

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/01/2019 11:41

If you are not happy with your own body, you don't feel sexy, you don't feel like having sex.
Many of us on here have experienced this.
OPs husband is obviously experiencing this, coupled with the fact that she's very overweight too.
No where has OP said he wants her to get to size 6 and remain overweight himself.

ChakiraChakra · 10/01/2019 11:53

I feel sad, it must be a horrible thing for you to have read, OP.

One thing I haven't seen anything of in his message, was acknowledgement that bodies, particularly women's ones, change a lot through life. He would be hard pressed to find a woman who had kids but had a toned belly and pert breasts. Not impossible, but not easy. Even without weight gain or loss, our bodies change with age. I can't help but feel that if he were to be single again he'd be looking for thin attractive and considerably younger than him, women, like many men on dating sites do. I think it's a kind of sickness of society that it expects women to be and to arrive to be youthful bodied, and much more so than men.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 10/01/2019 11:55

He would be hard pressed to find a woman who had kids but had a toned belly and pert breasts. Not impossible, but not easy. Even without weight gain or loss, our bodies change with age.

But he’s not once said anything to suggest that’s what he wants.

He fancied OP when she was slimmer. She’s piled on several stones in weight and gone from slim to almost obese.

Finding that unattractive doesn’t mean he’s only satisfied with someone who has ‘pert breasts and a toned stomach’. He’s also not said anything about finding normal signs of aging unattractive (wrinkles for example). It’s the weight gain, which isn’t anything to do with the natural aging process (not to this extent anyway)!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/01/2019 12:07

Age related weight gain is only about 0.5kg or 1lb per year, so massive weight gain isn't inevitable.

ChakiraChakra · 10/01/2019 12:08

You're right, and I've made many assumptions in my post, many or all of which might be wrong.

In strict facts then, they've got two children, and a number of years have passed since they met. I think it's a little unreasonable to expect that a woman would not put on weight/ would be able and willing to return her body to be the same weight as it was before she had two children, a number of years have passed, and her lifestyle has changed from single to nearly married mother of two.

It could be of course that I'm the unreasonable one, I'm okay to live with that if that's the case! 😁 I did go off on a bit of a rant about society in general 😳

Namechange8471 · 10/01/2019 12:10

I'd lose the weight then tell him to do the same.

Don't shag him until when/if he loses weight. Even when you look amazing.

Then dump him.

Original poster
blackandyellowbee · 10/01/2019 14:27

Sorry for the silence had a lot to think about.

I suffer with terrible migraines and anxiety which I know it's an excuse for weight gain but it doesn't help.

Re has reassured me he still loves me. And will continue to do so no matter what. He wants us to lose weight and work on things together. But now I'm not so sure. I keep thinking is this good enough for me? Yes we can both lose weight but he's shown a side to him I've never seen. I know I asked for the truth but to be honest I didn't expect it to be so harshly put.

OP posts:
mirialis · 10/01/2019 14:30

Did he sincerely apologise for the way he phrased it?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2019 14:44

Blackandyellow - I think, for now, you should work on rebuilding your self esteem and if that involves losing the weight, then do that too.
I think that a lot will depend now on how much effort he puts into losing weight as well - if he just expects you to do it all, but he makes little or no effort to change himself too, then it may help you with your re-evaluation of your marriage.

Have you asked him explicitly why he was so mean in his message? What did he say?

Shoxfordian · 10/01/2019 14:53

He could and should have been much kinder

TacoLover · 10/01/2019 18:19

One might find people with anxiety unattractive? For example.

Because I find it very hard to believe that anxiety causes a loss of sexual attraction?? A mental illness is different to a very visible appearance thing that you are forced to be in close proximity with if you are having sex with them.

mirialis · 10/01/2019 18:23

Agree with both the pp - he could and should have been much kinder. The one thing I would give him benefit of the doubt on is how much pressure he feels under himself - he's got fat, sluggish, doesn't feel sexually attracted to you... but really if it came down to it when he's feeling like this, is he actually feeling up for the prospect of having sex with any live flesh and blood woman right now?

If he hasn't sincerely acknowledged that the way he phrased it was really nasty, then that is him showing a side of him you've never seen before. If he is truly remorseful for treating his wife like that and wants to genuinely work on things together, then, ok, he lashed out when feeling really shit - I can't say I've always said 100% kind things to my DH when I've been in a shit place and vice versa but the odd and rare lash out is ok and people can move on.

Either way, as I said before, the only way from here is UP for you. He's given you a kick up the arse to not only get yourself into mental and physical shape after the baby blip years, but also to work out what you want, need and deserve from a partner. You are only early 30s. You've got so much to look forward to and your kids will benefit enormously from having a mum who is happy, strong and energetic. Agree with Thumb - work on yourself for you. If he wants to work on himself too at the same time, great. If not, get yourself to where you want to be mentally and physically and then re-evaluate.

mirialis · 10/01/2019 18:33

Also, one ore thing, you said you used to be really into your fitness. You need to move your body not for fat loss but for the endorphins. I'm not saying this is necessarily what you should do, but I hate running and I hate gyms, yet when I was going through a particularly low and sluggish patch in the winter and the weather was bad, getting on the treadmill at the gym was so, so good for me. I had to really force myself to go (not wealthy so the gym membership was a good incentive not to waste what I'd paid for) and at the end of every session I was gross and dripping in sweat but felt so much better for it. Take some time for yourself Flowers

MrsBrianWarner · 10/01/2019 21:08

Because I find it very hard to believe that anxiety causes a loss of sexual attraction?? A mental illness is different to a very visible appearance thing that you are forced to be in close proximity with if you are having sex with them

I see. So its only your standards of attraction that count, right? Because you dont understand something, must make it not true?

TacoLover · 10/01/2019 21:21

I see. So its only your standards of attraction that count, right? Because you dont understand something, must make it not true?

Er no... I didn't say it wasn't true because I didn't understand it. If someone says something I find slightly ludicrous then I'll say I find it hard to believe. I think comparing leaving someone without trying to fix the problem because they have anxiety and not wanting to have sex with someone because you can't force yourself to be sexually attracted to them doesn't really make much sense. If you know somebody who has been turned off by someone's anxiety or you have yourself then I am happy to accept that anxiety is a turn off for some people and comparable to a massive change in physical appearance, but I suspect that won't happenConfused

My original point was a response to somebody saying that being turned off or having a preference was bollocks. I said that it's not bollocks to not be attracted to somebody and you can't help not being attracted to something you find sexually unattractive. I used extensive acne as an example and you have taken it very personallyConfused

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