I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

Did you goad him OP? Because it does sound like he flipped and gave it to you with both barrels. Now you have the cold stark naked truth.

What do you want to do about it?

I think he was a bit cruel with the comments about your former size being the main attraction but I suppose if we ask for the truth, we have to listen to it. Maybe he is shallow but it's how he feels. At the end of the day, we fancy who we fancy and he was also attracted to someone who did their hair and make up, which you say you've lost interest in. If you pushed for truth today and your DH lied that he was just tired, would that be helpful? I doubt it.

A BMI of 29.2 is just shy of being rated officially as obese (30+). But that's not the issue - it's how the OP feels, where the weight is, how big her waist is etc. - if she feels overweight then it doesn't matter if every other fucker is overweight too - it's how SHE feels about it.

And if you feel that you're overweight and unattractive, then you stop doing anything to improve that - been there, done that - you think "why bother? I'm too fat" and stop trying to look better.

And in all honesty, OP, you feeling overweight and unattractive will add to your unattractiveness because that's what you radiate. Some women rock their overweightness because they have the confidence to carry it off and still appear very attractive, despite carrying a few more pounds than may be ideal. I'm not one of those, and by the sounds of it, neither are you.

None of this excuses the way your husband gave you his "honest opinion" (which was rough and unkind) BUT I think there is no point in saying things that are designed to downplay your size/feelings about yourself.

As I said in my previous post, your DH is obviously unhappy with his own weight gain too and is expressing himself badly because I believe he's projecting his feelings onto you too - but I also agree that, while it would be great for you to try and lose weight together, you need to do this for yourself. Not for your DH, not to try and win his approval, or gain back intimacy with him - but for yourself. For your health and your own self-confidence.

Once you believe you are worth looking after, whatever size you are, then your confidence will increase - and hopefully with that will come the drive you're looking for to lose the weight as well.

I suspect you knew all of this though OP.
Has his harshness made you want to lose weight?
I'm like you, an utter mess, fat, unkempt, shit clothes, shit hair, everything. Because of that, to other people, they notice the fat.
If I were to be groomed, and wear nice clothes and makeup then people would notice that.
Try that whilst you are losing weight. You will feel a lot better about yourself.

Text back. Say you couldn't agree more ....you find him repulsive too. Say you're doing dry Jan and ask for his commitment to join you .....wine and beer are very calorific. See how committed he is to that.

Why does he have to quit drinking?
Many people lose weight and still drink. And he has said he wants to lose as well.

He has dictated how op should lose weight. She should do it to him.

We don't know how many times you've pushed for sex and how much this has building up until he was tipped over the edge by your text demand for the truth but he does owe you an apology.

If it were me, I would say, ok, point taken although the way you phrased it was very cruel and careless and is making me think about what I want, need and deserve from life. I'm going to do something about my self-care because up until now my whole focus has been on the family and now I need to do something for ME for my mental and physical health. You also know you have let yourself go - are we going to work together on this as a team or am I on my own here? I really love you too and I want our life together to be happy, but this has also given me a big wake up call about what I need from a partner.

Wow, haven't read all six pages but honestly how horrible is he; he's over weight himself too, could he not have been a bit nicer about it, in fact texting that is just bloody awful, a sit down face to face truth would have been much more respectful, you have had two babies, has he, nah!

And it's only 2 years since your last baby, you are hardly obese being a size 14-16, one cheeky insensitive bastard I'd say actually, no need to be so callous about it! Would love to see him manage his weight after two births, what a nasty git, do not marry him, he sounds contemptuous towards you and is using your very slight weight gain to beat you down; as above, tell him you find him a complete turn off also and ask where you both go from here as you are meant to be a team, you are not a Stepford Wife!

Have you thought about looking at the reasons for the not caring for yourself (hair,make up,nice clothes) where does this come from?

I know op isn't happy at a size 16. As someone who at size 16 felt utterly repulsive and thought I was a size of a house I was just reassuring her that she isn't HUGE. I believed I was so big people were looking at me and laughing at my weight at size 16 and elf myself go further and now I'm pretty sure people do!
Also just pointing out a lot of women aren't going to fit the bill if he's in search of a size 6 in later life.

You’ve had two babies in five years. What’s his excuse?

People really don’t need an ‘excuse’ to gain weight. Having an ‘excuse’ doesn’t transform it from acceptable to unacceptable or vice versa. It just is what it is. People gain weight for all kinds of reasons. OP has admitted she has continued to gain since having children so it’s not all pregnancy weight.

OP: you wanted honesty, now you’ve got it, it’s all out in the open thankfully and you can choose what to do with this information. It’s a good thing that you want to lose weight for yourself too. Let this be the motivation you needed to get cracking! It doesn’t have to be a huge ordeal losing weight, exercise can help but it’s by no means essential, eat fewer calories than you need for stasis and the weight will come off. I’ve lost weight before on reducing calories without exercising. Download MyFitnessPal, set a realistic target (1800 calories for the first week is reasonable given that you’ve probably been overeating 2000+ for a while, then drop to 1500, can even safely drop to 1200 if you’d like to lose faster once you’re in the swing of it) make a promise to yourself that nothing will pass your lips before being inputted into MyFitnessPal, and commit to only eating the number of calories per day you’ve decided on. You’ll lose even without exercise (which is great for health, but people use the spectre of four days per week in the gym as an excuse not to lose weight at all). It works a treat.

You can even start to make it fun when you’re in the swing of it, check out some reddit boards such as 1200isplenty for healthy meal and snack ideas, make yourself a list of all of the snacks you can think of under 100 cal each, each morning go and make your meal plan for the day and put it into the app so you know what you’ll be eating and won’t eat crap out of hunger. I find it quite fun seeing what I can eke out of the 1200 calories for the day and balancing between each meal/snacks!

But you don’t have to throw yourself in like that if you don’t want to, just eat less than you need for stasis and stick at it and it’ll come off. People do it every day, you can do this.

You could ask your DP if he wants to join you or let him find his own way.

You’ll be setting a good example for your kids too having a healthier lifestyle and learning to love yourself as you make changes rather than the self hatred it sounds like you both feel right now.

Snow- congratulations . I didn't say they don't exist just that I know none.

Snoz *

Loose weight for your own happiness then leave him.

PS: it doesn’t really matter whether others are happy at a 16 or not, what matters is how you feel, and going from a 6/8 to a 14-16 is a massive change and no wonder you don’t feel great in yourself.

When OH and I decided to both lose weight we did a weekly Monday morning weigh in and wrote it on a whiteboard in the bathroom. seeing the numbers go down each week kept me really motivated and knowing I was about to be weighed made my resolve even stronger against eating above my calorie goal for the day.

OP may I offer you this thought?

I usually hate this time of the year. I really do, the lack of sun and light makes me physically ill for various reasons and I can get really fed up.

This morning, for whatever reason, I feel a bit different. I need to lose some weight for both aesthetic and health reasons, no change there, but I also want to attack this time of the year with some enthusiasm and some goals in various sections of my life.

So I’m going to to set myself a 90 day challenge I’ve decided. I’m going to be clever and analytical and think about it and what will help ME - because we are all different.

Yes I want to lose some weight as part of it, so I need to think about what I can do to help myself and what I can stick to. I need to think about foods I like that I can enjoy, not focus on the things that are not so good for me.

I need to think about all the other things though that don’t help with my weight or my health too though - the lack of quality sleep, not enough vitamin D (and we are all very deficient in that at this time of the year).
The feeling fed up that makes me just want to hunker down at this time of the tear and eat and drink comforting things. Things that I enjoy and will help me are singing and having a dance party while I make my supper, but you can identify things that make you joyful. I’m going to take some good quality vitamins because my health dictates that I need them, you probably don’t have my health problems, but a good daily supplement would probably do us all good at this time of the year.

I’m going to tackle some things around the house that need doing and get me down. I’m going to wallpaper the lounge and paint the bathroom and have a good sort out after Christmas. I’m going to wrap some presents for next Christmas picked up in the sales and get ahead, so when December comes I can enjoy the pre Christmas events without feeling shattered!

Above all, I’m going to lose the little voice in my head that tells me as long as the rest off the family are OK then that’s all right, and that my well-being isn’t as important as theirs. It is - they know it is, they tell me it is, but I have to start acting like it is!

I have no idea if this is going to work or not, but I feel it can only be a good thing. I invite you to do the same, with or without your husband.

I’m going to do it for the next 13 weeks, up to April 9th ( in actual fact 91 days). There will be hard days when the sun is not shining and I feel fed up, but I will form a plan for what I’m going to do on those days.

Just a thought, but it’s definitely not just all about the food in my opinion, it’s about so much more. It’s about valuing yourself, and if you feel better about yourself then everything else is so much easier anyway.

Wish me luck!

I don't think that your Husband was being unkind in his missive, he was just saying how he felt that's all. There are lots of partners where these things can go unsaid, so to get things out in the open like this is good. You can now work together to both get fitter. and feel good about things again. Good luck !

I think you should both do a pre-marriage course. You can lose some weight, it would be great if you felt happier yourself and him too about himself. HOWEVER you WILL not turn the clock back, you will not look five years younger, you may not be a size 6 again, and if you are that may be too thin when you're ten years older. If you're going to have a sex life you need to have more than just what first physically attracted you to each other. What happens when you get wrinkly? Or he does? he loses his hair? yours goes grey? If having sex is reliant on not changing physically then your marriage will be doomed.

I think he’s to be commended for answering the question honestly. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t find me sexually attractive so for me the relationship would be finished. I had a partner who once put on a huge amount of weight quickly due to medication. I was concerned about his health and would have much preferred him to be slim again. However I didn’t stop desiring him. Had the sexual attraction gone then the relationship would have had to end

You say you've let yourself go but has he ever made you feel like you want to put make up on again or make you feel special so that you get your confidence and mojo back? Also, really hate that people are like that - I know we all have preferences in looks etc, but surely if you love someone and you have kids together, a few extra pounds or a couple of stones shouldn't take it away - I just find it really shallow. What if anything tragic happened and one of you were disabled from it, would that mean it's all over because someone's changed? I just feel if there is true love in a relationship it should overcome looks and if not, it isn't there

I just feel if there is true love in a relationship it should overcome looks and if not, it isn't there

This with bells on, esp if you are about to embark on a marriage with the person.

Thing is, I don't disagree that the OP should be losing weight, it's the way he has put it, it's horrible.

What the fuck would he do if you had an accident and lost a foot, say, or had to have a mastectomy? Would he be repulsed because he only found you attractive because you had two tits when he met you??

He's not evil but he IS shallow. Sure, you could lose the weight. But it won't fix the fact that he is only attracted to a specific physical form, and not an actual person.

It’s laughable how people say OP must have looked tiny/the size of a 12 year old girl at a size 6-8, but is normal/not fat/looks amazing to most men at a size 14-16. She was a healthy weight before, now she’s very overweight. Have people lost all perspective on what a healthy size is?

Don’t get me started on the ‘you’ve had two kids, what’s his excuse’ bollocks. Most women are fat, just like most men are fat. People are fat because they eat too much food and don’t exercise enough.

And how on earth can you say pregnancy is an excuse for OPs weight gain, when we have absolutely no idea what she eats in a day (and when she admits gaining weight after her last pregnancy)?

It was almost unheard of for women 100 years ago to be a size 16. They were all slim even though most of them had loads of children and it’s because people just didn’t have the snacks and takeaways etc available to them 24/7. They ate 3 small meals a day (if they were lucky) and also had to walk everywhere and there weren’t TVs etc to sit in front of all day. People are overweight now because they eat too much, it’s as simple as that

I put on weight because I ate too many cakes. Nothing to do with looking after small children.

^

This.