Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

[Wherearemymarbles]

Re house split, barter against her pension and ask for 50% of that as you will be entitled to a fair slice of it.

[Andyjakeydan]

If dd chooses to live with me then thats fine,i’d love it.
Apparently om isn’t going to move here (he lives 120 miles away) as he’s got family inc grandchildren (who he dotes on when he’s not up here with my stbx),i think he’ll spend 2/3 nights a week up here...how thats going to work with dd god only knows

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

What if your ex decides to move her and dd to him?

[Andyjakeydan]

She won’t while dd is at school

[bengalcat]

Get yourself a good solicitor . Sorry this has happened - good luck . Concentrate on getting yourself a fair financial settlement and working out what’s best for your daughter re sharing care etc .

[Andyjakeydan]

An interesting update on the stbx affair ...she’s ended it apparently....i’m going on my first date on sunday with a nice woman i’ve chatted to online...stbx asked if i was looking forward to it and i said yes i’ve git a goid feeling about it...then she announces she’s ended her affair....whats that all about??...i’m going on my date and thats that!!

[Howlingatthesun]

Maybe she realised the logistics wouldnt work

Or more like he ended it.

Be prepared for her to try and sabotage any dates you have, ie going out and not back in time

[Middersweekly]

Good for you @OP! She deserves a taste of her own medicine! Just ignore her and go for your date on Sunday! You deserve to be happy!

[Andyjakeydan]

She doesn’t wantvto talk about it so fair enough...it changes nothing between us,time has healed me a bit and looking forward to a new start...just need the bloody house to sell now

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Good for you OP! Glad to hear you’re slowly moving on.

As for your ex, well it’s nothing to do with you now. Just expect her to try and wheedle her way back in now it’s all gone pear shaped with the OM.

[NotTheFordType]

Do you expect the house to sell at its current price OP?

Re: "girly stuff".

You can do this. If your wife had died you would, right? You wouldn't just palm DD off on your sister/mum.

By "girly stuff" you could mean a number of things:
Menstrual problems
Other gynae things
Dynamics between girl friendship groups in school
Whether she should use Rose Raspberry or Frozen Winter on her nails

First 2, you encourage her to use specific biological terms, then you take her to the GP if needed. So "My you-know-what is thingying!" is out the window - she needs to be able to say "I'm having a period and it's really incredibly painful/I'm bleeding way more than normal/My vagina is itchy" If she's uncomfortable with saying it to you then you can facilitate a GP appointment with a female doctor. Sit in the waiting room and tell her if you want her to come in then just call you. (Just in case she needs referring.)

No 3, tbh I don't know, i was shit at this stuff at school and glad I didn't have DDs. I guess this is one you'd ask her female cousins to talk through with her. Or teach her how to lay a sucker punch

No 4, this is trivial and something she doesn't need a parental figure for, she can just discuss with friends. Yes it's nice sometimes to have your mum do your hair or nails but it's hardly a crucial part of parenting.

Good luck on your date but please don't make the mistake of staking all your emotional hopes on one person or trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. (hurr hurr) Just have a nice time thinking "Yes this could be my future, meeting women in pubs, having an intelligent conversation and eating good food." Please don't do the rebound thing.

[Andyjakeydan]

New update...the romance is back on

[HJWT]

@Andyjakeydan hope the date goes well

[Worriedwart18]

You deserve so much better. And it doesn't seem it and you probably aren't even thinking about it yet but within time you will be happy again and hopefully find somebody that loves and respects you the way you have done with your wife. Best of luck OP.

[Mummacake]

I'm sure there'll be plenty if gane playing going forward. Keep doing what you're with you DD & make sure you get a fair settlement incl her pensions. Now is not the time to go soft - you need to think of what is best for you and DD. I'd also push for 50/50 residency given your stbexw lack of priorities. The time us coming where meeting the OM will be pushed or a situation created where DD has no way of getting out of. Do not think for 1minute that your ex would not move your daughter. You are already seeing a person you don't know & I'm sorry to say you will see even more behaviour that will leave you gobsmacked. Selfish people always put their own wants & needs first. You're doing really well and your DD has a parent she can respect. Wishing you strength and all the best going forward.

[Andyjakeydan]

Had a lovely date today,just hope she wants to see me again

[MrsJDornan]

How are you doing Op

[Andyjakeydan]

Hi,i’m doing ok now....met a lovely lady who i trust 100%....still trying to sell our house far as i know stbx has split with AP which i’m happy about but she is seeing an old boyfriend now but i’ve moved on so much i don’t care who she’s seeing as long as dd is ok is all i’m bothered about.
DD seems ok about me seeing someone so hopefully i’ll be able to introduce them to each other in the future.
DD will live with stbx as that’s what dd wants and i’m ok with that as i’ll still see dd every week and have her to stay when ever she wants too

[HotSpotSpot]

Glad you are getting on ok.

[MrsJDornan]

Glad it's all going in the right direction

[Robin2323]

Really pleased for you :)