Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

Makes a lot of sense for me for the little girl to stay in her familiar home with a parent who will be there for her when she gets home from school.

Yeah, I bet it makes a "lot of sense" to his wife as well, she gets to keep her home, her daughter and her new lover and the OP will probably have to at least partially fund it all for her! What a hoot.

Fuck that quite frankly..don't be a chump..buy a house in the same area and fight for your daughter.

She doesn't know what will happen either, so watch out for her keeping her options open in case he decides he's not that interested. You shouldn't be the back-up option; if she did come back it would have to be only because she loved you, right? And she'd have to earn that right to return.

If an hour is not that far for your daughter to travel to be with you, then it's definitely not too far for you to travel to be with your family. You are independently mobile, your daughter is not. And again, you moving away could feel symbolic to her of how much you want to be with her. Consider that carefully and don't rush into anything just because you miss your family right now.

My advice would generally be to leave it as long as you can before making any permanent changes. Time really will improve things and make it far easier to negotiate with your ex, and you'll make better decisions when you eventually feel calmer. Don't forget that you can also have a temporary solution, say for the next five years, and then change any arrangement later when circumstances are different.

Yeah, I bet it makes a "lot of sense" to his wife as well, she gets to keep her home, her daughter and her new lover
My ex's lover unfortunately ran off with (yet) another man so he didn't "get to keep" her (weird idea), but he now has the house we built, and the children live there. I stayed there for the first 4 years (same reasons as OP) then he bought me out. I'm fine with this situation for the sake of the children. I'm bitter, but not bitter enough to make them leave their home just to get revenge on my ex. Wouldn't he love that, if they were pissed off with me instead of him!

There isn't any point in trying to save your marriage, when you wife is giving you a blow-by-blow description of her love life with the new man. You need to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. If you can't bring yourself to throw her out, I'd move out and save your own sanity. Living with her is going to break you. good luck.

The best thing for the OP and the rest of his life is probably to get himself back on the property ladder independently..likely he will have to sell the house to enable this. This is not his doing and he shouldn't martyr himself for his children.. he's not making her sell the house, the house needs to be sold because he needs somewhere to live.

This also allows the OP to quickly sever all non parental ties with this woman, which is what he ought to do IMO. If he gets a property in the same area his daughter can come and live with him, she'll soon be old enough to let herself in and out anyway.

How can op be responsible for that and the damage it could do to daughter?
He's not responsible for her actions, but his own actions will definitely affect the damage it could do to his daughter.

This is a very very good point I think a lot are missing. it's really quite easy to use a child/children to 'punish' the other party. Your dd will absolutely be being influenced by you OP which you may or may not realise. Your dd 'siding' with you is a 'win' in an otherwise devastating situation. Be aware of how much you are influencing her and you are, as you navigate this

As long as you can be there for your daughter, I'd move away. You need to have a fresh start. Maybe you could move half way, so a half hour drive away?

It may ease the pain knowing that they're not carrying on under your nose.

It all sounds horrendous. But take care of yourself, and you're wellbeing.

One tiny tiny thing of her telling you right away instead of gaslighting you for years telling you she's not cheating and it's all in your head.

Good to have filed for the divorce. It should take a bit to get it done and I wouldn't make any sudden moves right now as it is still raw for you.

I would get some counselling straight away to help you deal with this betrayal and also help decided whether to move or not as well as other decisions you are considering.

i agree she hasnt gaslighted him, i think she feels close enough to be able to tell him everything -without knowing how much it hurts him. because she is able to tell him everything thats why i think she tells him he is her best friend.

Of course she knows how much it hurts him.

Yeah, the plus side of an immediate reveal is that you don't get gaslighted, while the plus side of it dragging out for years is that by the time the reveal comes you have lost any love you had for the shit.

She’s out with the scum tonight,she kissed me on the cheek before she left and said she’s sorry then went off for an evening of nookie......but she is sorry !!!!

I so feel for you. It’s really harsh. My ex husband was an aggressive controlling narsassist yet I never treated him like that. Nobody deserves what you’re going through.
My head was all over the place back then but I found writing it all down helped massively.

Your wife is showing such little respect for you. You have a whole load of people on here screaming at you that we are here in support of you and that your wife’s behaviour is appalling.
I know that doesn’t switch your heart off at all, but please let it give you the strength to gain focus for yourself and your beautiful daughter.

she kissed me on the cheek

The next time she tries this you tell her to get the fuck away from you. She is being an incredible arsehole.

At the moment it's really tough but you can hold your head up high that you've done everything that you could to save your marriage. She is treating you abysmally and rubbing your face in her affair. I know that you are still in love with her, I know how much this hurts but please imagine this scenario playing out with a close friend being you. Would you advise your friend to take back his wife if she dropped the OM? Your daughter will judge both of you on how you act in this awful situarion and I wouldn't be surprised if she chose to live with you. From about that age 12/13 (there's no defined age in law) the child's wishes should be taken into consideration by the Family Courts if it gets to that stage. Lawyer up dude or seek free legal advice through the likes of Families Need Fathers.

This is what you need to do.

It is not designed to manipulate...but for you to move on and be happy.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

If you move an hr away I don't see why your daughter cant just shift with you if she wants to and change schools. If you have family nearby then can they not help out eith afterschool? Could your daughter not go to her grandparents for tea until you finish work and collect her? In your position I would move back towards support and family but allow your daughter the choice of where she lives and if that is with you then that's fine. Equally at 12 if she chooses to stay with mum and new boyfriend then she understands that you are not too far away and she can come/you pick her up whenever she wants or needs.

You also need to read 'No more Mr. Nice Guy' by Robert Glover
She's got no respect for you and has even less because you're a pushover.

Thanks for the list Sandy,i’ll do my best to stick to it,it really is a strange situation i’m in...the wife spent wednesday evening with the scum and on thursday morning she was pissed off because i kissed my daughter goodby as i left for work and i didn’t kiss her....she really is bizarre

very bizarre. anyway stick to the list.

She doesn't want to be the bad guy. If you are sad, she's the bad guy. In her head, she's not the bad guy, and you are not sad, it's a rom com, or even a lovely romance, and everyone is just fine with the situation (or maybe briefly a bit annoyed but then fine), and she's trying to rope you into a bit part in that fantasy.

Oh, and the alternative means of not being the bad guy herself is to make you the bad guy, so that she's perfectly justified in treating you badly. If she starts coming out with ways in which you were always horrible to her, she's changing tactic, but it's the same thing.

Your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it...you at home and him in a hotel for excitement.

Be firm around your boundaries and don't let her touch you...she needs to deal with the feelings of loss that she will suffer for ending the marriage. She is just getting a glimpse into how life will be.

I wonder if your wife is being love bombed? Not your problem and nothing you can do about it but she is being very foolish, given she is an adult.

Please don't jump to moving, it will signal to your daughter that she is alone. It is horrendous for her to have to deal with her "loved up" mum and may need you close so she can escape quickly when it becomes too much.
An example teens might not want to invite friends to her mum's house if she had to introduce mum's boyfriend...it's just too cringyworthy for self conscious teens.

Can I just throw something out here (just as a thought)
Is your wife actually seeing someone or is this whole thing fabricated. I know this may seem crazy and I apologise in advance but people do sometimes do crazy things.
She may have fabricated all this to see your reaction (hoping you’ll suddenly sit up and worship her) Possibly thinking she’d eventually tell you when she got the result she wanted.

I know it’s s bizarre suggestion but I actually knew someone who once contemplated this (didn’t actually do it though)

Your wife seems to hold herself in very high esteem. She’s had access to all material things etc and a stable loving home but maybe she’s reached a time in her life where SHE feels her age creeping upwards, she may not feel as young as she used to and so she clutching at straws.

My mum had a friend who one day suddenly left dh for a woman at the age of about 55. Began a very in his face lesbian relationship, shaved her head, got piercings etc then 18 mths later told her dh it was all a mistake and she wanted him back. She’s still pursuing him to this day.

I just can’t grasp why else she’s putting all this in your face so harshly. It’s like a massive cry for help and attention.

She’s seeing someone alright

Well in that case, remind yourself just how many women on here are in support of you. I know it may not help much presently, but sometimes, the best support you will ever find in life is from complete strangers. There are some incredible women out there who would love to find a man like you and share a life and all it has to offer.

Stay true to yourself.