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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

221 replies

Andyjakeydan · 06/01/2019 19:19

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

OP posts:
Whatdyknow · 20/02/2019 10:13

@andyjakeydan.
I don't think you're alone in the reaction that you signed up to dating sites. I did too quite early on ( well just to one) in an almost 'I'll show him' kind of way. It's the need to show yourself you can do it. But I soon realised that, not only did I not actually want to, I also wouldn't be being fair to people on the site if I started any conversations without genuine intentions of taking things further.
But each to their own. Some people do need to move on quickly.
Only you can decide what's right for you.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 20/02/2019 10:43

Yep i think it is a ‘i’ll show her’ reaction,i’m not up it at all really now i’ve looked at a few profiles(any date would feel more like a job interview than a date).....3 months later and my head is still all over place

OP posts:
BoringPerson · 21/02/2019 08:46

I agree that dating is probably a bad idea now. I'd give yourself a year or so. Are there any things you can do for yourself. Hobbies or fitness or something?

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 21/02/2019 09:18

well planning stuff for my new house as i’ll leave this house(when it sells) with just my clothes as i don’t want anything from it ....she’s welcome to all the furniture and everything else....it’d be nice to know how much money i’ll be getting from the sale,so i’m in limbo at the moment....if she has our daughter she’ll want more than 50/50.....but her pensions are worth at least 10 times what mine are worth....its going to be a rough ride in the next few months i think

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 21/02/2019 09:27

It is worth getting pensions values, could be simple CETV initially.

Generally its 50:50 for all assets but you are right to consider housing for your dd's principle home. If the ex needs more than 50% to secure a home then fair enough but then you can get a share of her pensions.
It's pretty straightforward especially if money purchase schemes. You would need a solicitor as it would require a court order.
It can all still be amicable just the paperwork is formalised so pension companies can act.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 21/02/2019 10:00

We’ve both got solicitors.....and i’ve paid the £550 for the court costs when ever we get that far....i think my daughter will stay with her mum but she doesn’t want to meet OM which pleases me i must say...

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 21/02/2019 11:33

I feel for you OP, give the dating thing a miss for a good while, your head isn’t in the right space.

Raindancer411 · 21/02/2019 14:15

She may not want to, but if she lives with Mum, there is nothing to stop him coming over :(

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 21/02/2019 18:45

Om lives about 138.7 miles away and apparently stbx isn’t going to move there and he’s not going to move here so it looks like he’ll be up here 2/3 days a week....i said to stbx that there relationship is built on good solid grounds of an affair with lies and deceit thrown in....i really hope it go’s tits up gor them and dd never meets the scum git

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 21/02/2019 19:31

If neither are prepared to move for the other, that won't last...

MostlyBoastly · 22/02/2019 11:46

Be prepared, OP. The affairs post-marriage often last a while - usually because so much has been lost that people aren’t prepared to give up. It’s often just stubbornness and go save face.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 24/02/2019 10:57

The affair has been going on for 4 months now(although its not an affair anymore as she’s told me about it)....she is with someone else now and i’m binned..we just happen to live in the same house until its sold.
Still can’t believe how cold hearted she is

OP posts:
Whatdyknow · 24/02/2019 22:17

@andyjakeydan
I really feel for you. It sounds so similar to my situation. The limbo of waiting to get things sorted is so painful when you have to stay under the same roof. Living with the person who should be there for you but is acting like a total stranger - & a cruel one at that.
You sound like you're being really strong though. Very glad you're posting (though obviously sorry that you're in the situation where you need to). You deserve better.

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:46

This reply has been deleted

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MrsJDornan · 10/03/2019 21:21

How are you and your daughter @Andyjakeydan

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 11/03/2019 06:12

MrsJDornan...dd and i are fine thanks,still trying to sell the house so it seems like i’m in limbo atm,dd still doesn’t want to meet om which is fine by me,i think once the house is sold that’s when the shit will hit the fan with dd

OP posts:
AuntVanya · 11/03/2019 06:30

It is over. You must never, never go back or you will live the rest of your life in a horrible purgatory of doubt and pain. Never mind not 'going back'- you need to physically separate as soon as possible. Be strong and start discussions about who is moving out and how you will share care of your daughter in the immediate future until something legal/ lasting is sorted out. People will treat you in the way you allow them to.
I mean, she really is rubbing your nose in this- inviting OM up and blatantly going out to meet him then coming 'home' to you and her daughter. She is callous and has no regard for your feelings, no sense of responsibility for what she is doing, no understanding of what this is doing to you and your daughter.
Get a lawyer. Take all possible and necessary steps towards separation as quickly as possible. And continue to love and protect your daughter.

ShatnersWig · 11/03/2019 08:03

@AuntVanya It's usually helpful to read a full thread before commenting. Saves you wasting your time and suggesting stuff that the OP should do when had you read his updates it's clear he's already done stuff.

fannycraddock72 · 11/03/2019 11:10

Good to hear you’re doing ok OP. I’ve been where you are atm, hang on in there. My ex took 3 years to remove their head from the sand unfortunately, but I got there in the end.

The cold hearted discard is something that is really hard to come to terms with, especially when you are living under the same roof. I couldn’t cope with it and decide to move out and rent till the house was sold, but eventually it all went through and I’m now in my new home and it’s wonderful. I make my own decisions on decor, furniture etc without my ex always wanting to have control on everything. I’ve also had a few little karma incidents such as the month everything went through and my ex bought me out part of the roof needed replacing ££££. The oven packed up £££

Keep being the ‘sane parent’ for your DD, kids aren’t stupid. Keep up the pressure on your ex to sell the house, maintain grey rock and make full use of a solicitor to deal with as much as you can afford.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 12/03/2019 06:50

At the start of this she said we’d go 50/50 on the house money(i put 40k more in than her) now after speaking to her solicitor she wants at least 60/40 in her favour...her pensions are worth ten x’s what mine are so we’ll have to see what i get before i can really look at a new place for me...dd will stay with her mother mainly(i think a daughter should be with her mother really)..dd will probably have to meet om at some point unfortunately

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 12/03/2019 09:55

Is it possible to go 50;50 residency for your DD? It's a shame she has to live mostly with a person who can complete disregard for her feelings. Perhaps shared residency would give you a higher share of the house split or you could negotiate the house split to 50;50 and you not touch her pensions.
You need a solicitor for advice on this.
Good luck

NiceNewShiny · 12/03/2019 10:12

^ I think a daughter should be with her mother really^

That's not true. You need to do what's best for your daughter and that may well be for her to live with you.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 12/03/2019 10:18

Recently dd has been having girly problems that i can’t help her with where as her mother can....i think its in dd’s best interests to stay mainly with her mum....when ever dd wants to stay with me she can

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 12/03/2019 10:24

Sorry l disagree. Even if she has girly problems there are many men- and l personally know of 2 who have brought up daughters without a DW and managed very successfully to navigate them through teenage years,
Her DM will be available to help with these problems with or without residency.
It is a shame that your DD is going to have to Probably live with the OM when she doesn't want to meet him!!
Is that the only reason you don't want your DD to live with you???
Have you asked her what she wants?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/03/2019 11:18

I disagree, my mum had an affair and left to live with the OM. Myself and my brother stayed with Dad. It was the best all round. I knew my dad wasn’t great with girlie things but I loved him and knew he was dining what was best for me. I just saw my mum as selfish and putting her own needs and wants in front of anyone else.

In your position I’d start setting ground rules now. Stop being her unpaid babysitter. Set out eow for being there for your dd. Plus after school and mornings. You need a break too and time to yourself. By the sounds of things you’re still at your ex beck and call for when she needs someone to look after dd.

Also stop cooking, washing etc. Do yours and dd. Stop doing anything for her.