Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

Wait till the chemicals wear off and she sees his true colours. She doesn’t deserve you. Lots of other lovely ladies out there. You and dd should just take care.

My ex pulled the ‘but your my best friend’ line. What he meant was I want my cake, and eat it. Sex with her, and with you, and a lovely home I don’t give a moment of thought to. I’m sure it would have been lovely for him if only I could have carried on being his mate...

Sorry this has happened to you.

Go and see a solicitor whilst shes is running around with her new toy. Know what you are entitled too, get a free consultation with as many solicitors as you can. You can take the initiative whilst she’s on her ‘high’ from all the attention and materialistic things her lover can supply.

Don’t fall for any suggestion she may have to just settle things amicably without first seeing a solicitor and knowing what you are entitled too. My ex tried the sorting it out without legal advice and we got nowhere, I also suspect I would have lost a whole lot more had I not seen a solicitor.

Don’t be afraid to tell people what she’s done or ask people for help and support.

Don’t do the ‘pick me dance’

Don’t react to any provocation, try not to engage with her on an emotional level, don’t beg her to change her mind, understand what she’s doing. She’s in what some people call ‘affair fog’ the excitement is like a drug that fogs her sense of reality, I suspect your wondering what happened to the woman you married???

Read about ‘grey rock’. From now on be polite but formal. Don’t commit to anything with regards childcare, finances etc until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Go to this website and read about other people’s stories and post in the forum for help and support www.chumplady.com

I’m sure there’s a million other things I could tell you. I was where you were 5 years ago

You will get through this
Your daughter will be ok, remind her you love her and that rings will be ok
Don’t give up, even when things get low

Good luck op

Thanks for the replies,i have got a solicitor on the case,everything hopefully will be a fair split of our assets,i thinking of moving away from the area back to where i came from (only an hour away) so my daughter will stay with her mother as it’ll be better for her not to have to change schools,unless she decides she wants to live with of course.

Why are you leaving your daughter?

Because of working hours,her mum is self employed and can be there before and after school...where as i can’t but if my daughter wants to live with me then i’ll stay in the area for her

Perhaps your daughter will even just want to pop over for a cup of tea on a Saturday afternoon? You really want to move an hour away? What will she think of that?

i plan to have my daughter with me as often as she wants,an hour away isn’t a problem

How awful for you but agree daughter is main focus here. Great comment from Lindala about teaching dignity & strength in difficult situations.
However i think moving an hour away is a mistake in my opinion. I can understand the desire to get away but If you live closer when she is a teen she can come and go between the two houses. She needs you. She may feel abandoned if you move away and it may be too much for her. A colleague at work has one daughter and she divorced and her exh moved abroad and the daughter found it very difficult and frankly has gone off the rails a bit...

An hour is a problem if you just want to pop round and see your dad after school for ten minutes. She's 12, she can just come and see you whenever she likes if you're nearby - on her own, without having to ask anyone if it's OK or asking for money.

My children were 18 and 20 when I moved out, and probably won't be at home with their dad for much longer, but in the end I still chose a place round the corner, so that they can "kill two birds with one stone" if they want to visit either of us. "Going back home" for me would admittedly have meant moving 1,400 km away so that wasn't much of a choice but I could have moved over the other side of the city to a nicer area. It is also symbolic, showing that you want to be near them.

Hi Op,
Firstly, I’m so sorry for you and your daughter.
My goodness, your situation is the exact same as what happened to my best friend when we were 13. Her mum suddenly began having an affair with her boss. My best friends dad was completely floored, heart broken. So was my best friend. The hate towards her mother grew like fire. Her mother was so preoccupied with her new toy, she became a reactive parent as opposed to a proactive one. Very quickly my best friend went on a slippery slope of trouble, acting out. We would sit at school and together compose letters to her mum expressing her anger. My friend would flit between the two homes whenever she wanted. She’d want me to spend so many nights on sleep overs as she couldn’t bare to be at her mums house with new bf by herself. (My friend had to live their mostly for school) Then we’d go to her Dads as my friend was worried sick about him. I remember so vividly, her Dad just sat in a chair night after night, cupboards pretty bare, house cold. We’d have to buy batchelor super noodles for our tea with our own money.
Her Dad never ever dated anyone else. My poor friend carried so much worry and hate on her shoulders. I don’t think even to this day she’s forgiven her mum fully.
All I am saying is that your wife has chosen to completely tip all of your worlds upside down. Be there for your daughter. Don’t assume anything. You’re hurt, but so will your daughter be. She’ll be torn between you both with a wide spectrum of emotions.
Running away won’t make you feel any better. Your hurt will be wherever you go. Please be the consistent, safe living place your daughter can count on. Try your hardest to show her you will both be ok. By all means talk to her, just try not to dump everything on her.
Be the warm smile and hug she needs. You’ll be amazed at how much this helps you heal too.
Maybe choose your new home together, focus on doing her room up.
Your wife has made her choices. Her relationship with your daughter is her responsibility. X

Moving an hour away isn't good. Your wife absolutely CAN leave. Also, your daughter is 12. Unless she has any SN she should be ok to get her too and from school.
At the moment your daughter will feel real resentment towards her mother. Don't abandon her.
Don't let your wife cream off the assets either. Hang fire on any big decisions and make sure you are treated equally.

@Ozziewozzie - while I sympathise with that dad, really he should have gone and got help if things were that bad. That way, he would have been able to make it easier for his daughter.

Her relationship with your daughter is her responsibility
I disagree. It's also OP's responsibility. He can do his best to make sure that his daughter gets on as well with her mum as is possible in the circumstances. He surely wants his daughter to grow up knowing that both parents love her, whatever mistakes they have made.

.

I hope your wife is not going to stay put in your current house while you move an hour away and pay for her to live there ?

her mum is self employed and can be there before and after school...where as i can’t
Makes a lot of sense for me for the little girl to stay in her familiar home with a parent who will be there for her when she gets home from school.

@ravenmum
When it comes to children and their relationship with parents, it’s each individual parent who is responsible for their own relationship with the child. However, it is BOTH parents responsibility to NOT sabotage, manipulate any relationship.
For eg, if said mum is more preoccupied with new man, then op can’t be responsible trying to encourage mum to put daughter first, but he does have a responsibility to ensure HE doesn’t inflict his views or emotions or opinions on daughter, making her feel uncomfortable etc about seeing her mum.

If both parents are told they are both responsible for each other’s relationship with a child in a separation/divorce case, as well as their own...things are going to get pretty messy.
The op should support his daughters relationship with mum but he is not responsible.
Let’s say mum decides to run away with new bf. How can op be responsible for that and the damage it could do to daughter?
Mum can make her choices and Op can make his.

Hi OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you, just remember that the new relationship was built on bad foundations and that when the appeal of all the money and holidays wears off, it's still a relationship started from adultery.

@InkyAndBinky how rude if you just to comment a full stop. This is someone's life, not a drama show.

I see what you mean, @Ozziewozzie, and I think we are on the same page, seeing it as a responsibility to support your child's relationship with the other parent: as I put it, doing his best to make sure that his daughter gets on as well with her mum as is possible in the circumstances.

How can op be responsible for that and the damage it could do to daughter?
He's not responsible for her actions, but his own actions will definitely affect the damage it could do to his daughter. If your friend's dad had gone to his GP and got help for what was probably depression, his daughter would not have been put in the role of supporting him, and hated her mum for doing something that is, after all, sadly not that uncommon.

Maybe InkyBinky is in the same boat and wants to tag the thread so as to read updates on the suggestions made.

@ravenmum then she should say that, it's extremely rude just to comment a full stop. If she can take the time to read all the replies and benefit from the thread, then she should at least manage to write a sentence.

Where the daughter lives is one matter (and there are alternatives) but upping and leaving to move an hour away is quite another and will almost certainly look/feel like abandonment. Why would that even cross a parent's mind to do that? Op - focus on your daughter in all this.

To be fair, when you first find out about the affair, you aren't thinking very clearly. One minute you think your future is all planned out until you die; the next everything is open-ended, you have hundreds of options and you don't even know what they all are, let alone which to choose.

@pinky
That’s a bit harsh and over invested don’t you think? My goodness, it was just a full stop. I had no idea we were policed on here. Please feel free to smack my bottom anytime. It’s rock solid

I’d move an hour away to be nearer work and nearer the rest of my family,i’d be where i am on my own with no friends nearby,but if my daughter asks me to stay close by then i will.....i kept things friendly between me and my wife so far which is difficult when i know she’s with him...i just don’t know what’s going to happen yet between her and him,whether it’ll be long term or not.....i’m in a living hell atm,i haven’t made any plans yet as i’m probably not thinking straight