Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

[Ozziewozzie]

Is there any chance your wife is having mental health problems? She seems exceptionally devoid and needy. She seems to find it difficult not having attention from you, from her new & temporary conquest and can’t miss out on time with you and daughter.
I know your daughter wanted her to join you both but your daughter will possibly be feeling desperate for you both to stay together, hence wanting you both to be there. She’s not emotionally mature enough yet to protect herself ling term.
Any child when asked would want mum and dad together. But it isn’t always right or fair. You could both be misleading your daughter inadvertently.

Is it worth sitting down with wife when alone and laying down some frank ground rules. Ie, it’s your wife’s responsibility to prioritise daughter time, not gate crash yours.
Your wife needs to be far more discreet with her sex sessions and far more respectful of you.
This is NOT all about HER. Daughter comes first.

I’m guessing you want your wife to realise her error so you can no longer feel any responsibility for what is happening.
You won’t believe this now but in time you will. You have not done anything to deserve this. This is not your fault. This is not because you are not good enough.
This is all a reflection on your wife and how she is feeling not good enough. She seems desperate and clutching at everything. Almost scared of being by herself at all.
When you behave in such an appalling way, it’s very difficult to spend time alone sometimes.

[Andyjakeydan]

Well she came hime at 12.20 today and he’s just invited her out tonight too so she’s gone out again and not coming home till tomorrow,i told her she’s an awful mum and don’t bother coming back ever

[lifebegins50]

She is displaying no empathy towards you.

I think you need her to leave the house as she is not there for your daughter.

[Hopoindown31]

The anger will come out eventually just make sure it is directed at her and get yourself sorted so that she is playing catchup in the divorce.

[Ozziewozzie]

Hey, well look at it this way. Whilst that poor excuse for a wife and mother is out thinking of herself, you can remind yourself that you are spending your evening supported by numerous women whilst you’re still there for your daughter.
Complete strangers are here for you and your daughter , whereas your wife clearly is not.

She’s probably pleased with herself for honouring you both with her presence at the cinema today. After all, she’s obviously so very important.

Throughout all this, you’ve barely said a spiteful word about your wife which is incredibly controlled and commendable. Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
This is a really good place to vent, to avoid anger building up. You’ve got to look after yourself emotionally and physically, I really hope you can.
Do it for yourself and your daughter. You ARE going to be ok.
Sadly lots of us have been in a similar position to you and it really hurts, physically and emotionally.
Not far from now, your dignity, warmth, level headedness, strength and determination is going to pull you and your daughter out of this mess. Trust yourself. You can do it x

[Andyjakeydan]

Thanks for all the support from everyone,i appreciate it greatly.....i may well be handling this the wrong way but i’m doing what i think is best for myself and my daughter....the wife will not have a word said against mr wonderful,i asked tonight what sort of wonderful man keeps taking a mother away from her daughter?...she just said stop it

[Grannyannex]

Op what was your married like like before this? Did you have time for each other? Good sex?

[Andyjakeydan]

I thought everything was fine but obviously i was very wrong.....i think my wife may well be off her head.....this bloke aint no oil painting so its not his looks she’s gone for

[letsdolunch321]

Sorry to read about your situation- how is your daughter dealing with her mum putting this man first?

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

Sorry for what you are going through.

Just a note re your dd - please don’t move an hour away from her. She is at an incredibly fragile stage of life and already will feel massively betrayed by her mum. If you move an hour away it may as well be five hours away. She needs a parent who she trusts and who has put her first - her mum has certainly not. As a 12 year old I can imagine in this situation I would absolutely feel sick to my stomach having to live with my mum’s OM and no option of staying with dad because he is so far away. You say dd can come to you to visit - why not you stay in the area and you travel to meet family and friends? Please do not underestimate the impact of this situation in your dd, there is a high chance of mental health issues developing in young teens with this kind of stress, and later going off the rails.

I wish you strength and good luck

Ps your wife is a cold callous piece of shit

[Andyjakeydan]

That ps actually made me laugh😀......she’s just come home in time to see our daughter before she go’s to school then she’ll be off back to the scum....i don’t how ling he’s up here for but i’m going away for a few todays later,the wife thinks i’m going to see an old girlfriend (i let her carry on thinking that)but i’m going to my sisters place,my daughter knows where i’m going and she’s not going to tell her mum where i am...this means the wife will have to stay at home for a few nights thinking i’m with a woman somewhere.....i want her to know what it feels like

[ravenmum]

The anger will come out eventually just make sure it is directed at her
Agree. Stop commenting on the OM's looks or how horrible he is. Stop saying you'll physically attack him - would you?! You're not coming across like a thoughtlessly aggressive person on here. He didn't make you any vows. He doesn't know you. He is not the problem. It could have been anyone.

[Redskyandrainbows67]

Agree direct your anger towards your life not the om. It’s your wife that broke her vows - the om never promised you anything.

Agree that lack of arguments shows something was amiss underneath in the relationship.

Focus on your daughter and your happiness and what you both need. Wishing you strength to get through all this xxx

[Redskyandrainbows67]

Wife! Not life!

[FlipF]

I know it's completely understandable but I'd try and contain the anger whoever It directed at. It's pointless at this stage. I also wouldn't bother lying to your wife about where you are going. It's pointless game playing. I also don't think you should get your daughter involved in trying to cover for you. I don't think it's a good precedent. The marriage is over - focus your energy on you and your daughters future.

I like the list! Stick to the list.

(All easier said than done... )

Are you going to talk to your sister about what's happening?

[ravenmum]

Really, your daughter has one parent who's not thinking about her at the moment, and not putting her first. Please don't make it two. Don't use her to pretend to your wife that you are meeting women. It's horrible for your daughter to have to pretend, and what are you trying to do? Show everyone that you are just as fixated on sex and other people as your wife?

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Make sure your daughter doesn't feel pushed out x

[Andyjakeydan]

At no stage have i told my wife or daughter that i’m meeting anyone,she just assumes that i am and i’ve told my daughter the truth that staying at my sisters....my family know all about whats going and so do hers,everyone is on my side ,even the mother in law....although my daughter is number 1 i need a couple days away just to gather my thoughts and decide what to do for the best for my daughter and me

[Ozziewozzie]

Hi, just popped up to see how your time away is going? I’m guessing it’s a weird one as you felt time away was what you needed, but now you’re away, you just want to get back home.

Regarding the misleading. Personally, if that’s the worst you’ve done then your wife is getting off easily. So what if she’s thinks you’re with another woman, she’s made her choices.

A book would say ‘do a b c’ but we are human. One could take the view that she won’t feel hurt as she is in love with someone else (her words)

Whatever your wife is doing or feeling, isn’t healthy. When love or a relationship has s negative impact on ones life, it’s not a good sign.
I think it’s safe to say your wife has one priority currently, (the other guy). The unhealthy aspects are her lack of value in herself as an individual, a mother and a wife. Also her loss of focus on her daughter it seems. At the very least, she could keep her legs tightly closed until she and you have officially separated and both have a good stable plan for your daughter.
I’m pretty certain we don’t spontaniously combust without sex. I’d absolutely be putting my children first and keeping any further conquests at arms length until all was sorted.

It’s an awful thought to a child of their parents having sex, let alone her mother with her fancy man whilst dad is sat at home heart broken.
I really think ground rules should be set in the interim period.

[Andyjakeydan]

Thanks for your input Ozzie,i’m back home now...i spent 2 nights at my sisters but i told the wife where i was after the first night...she did think i was with a woman....she said she missed me but as soon as ‘he’ shows up again she’ll be straight off to him....i’ve been nice to her this evening ,made her dinner for her etc etc but i really don’t know why i bother.
My sister gives me a hard time for being too soft on the wife but as i say i’m handling this how i think is best....

[Raindancer411]

It sounds like she wants her cakes and to eat it. A normal life at home but the excitement of a new man and being treated like a queen.

I feel for you and your daughter and hope you can get it sorted sooner rather than later. I would take some legal advice on how best to proceed at home from your solicitor. You are doing the best thing to not cause issues as it will look more favourable on you in the future.

[Andyjakeydan]

Well she’s gone away to his place till tuesday so leaving me with our daughter again...how the hell am i supposed to deal with this,i still love my wife,god knows why though

[Hopoindown31]

Hi OP, isn't it clear now that it is over for you and she is just using you as handy childcare for her dirty long weekends with OM? Please get a grip and show her the door.

[Hiphopopotamous]

I'm not sure you've really taken anything from the 125 responses on your thread.
You are way too soft, so you are being treated like a doormat.
Your wife is off fucking some other man. She doesn't want to be with you. You need to make plans for your life without her.

I don't really know how it can be more clear.

[Hmk4]

You are one of the good one...do what is best for you and your girl...she is your priority your ex wife isn't...focus on planning a future for your girl. Your ex will keep trying to suck you in to keep you at arms length but it really doesn't seem like she care about you ...sorry.

You seem decent ...good luck with everything...stay strong x