Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

[Raindancer411]

I would be putting about this forward to any judges/solicitors. It's not right to just act as though she has no responsibility to her own DD

[Andyjakeydan]

This morning i’ve had to cope with very upset daughter,her mum told her (over phone) that she doesn’t love her dad anymore and that she’ll have to meet OM at some point,my daughter is refusing to meet him but the wife is trying to get my daughter to go with her next time she go’s down to his place(2 1/2 hours away) ...she stays there for 3 nights ....she’s even asked my daughter if she wants to go to new york with them for the wifes 50th birthday...my daughter says no to everything she sugests if it includes OM
I don’t want influence my daughter but at the same time i’ll never say any thing positive about her and him.
Just got some more happy pills from the doctors,i think to take ten at a time atm

[Raindancer411]

Your daughter will always thank you for being there for her.

[Wherearemymarbles]

You need to chuck her out. If it wasnt obvious already the fact she’s told your daughter she doesnt love you makes it pretty official.

[rytonsister]

your wife is behaving terribly op.

re read that list. stick to it!!!

STOP cooking for her and allowing her on outings with your dd. start looking after you and stop trying to make her feel ok.

i say this as someone who ended a marriage, but i had the decency to move out within weeks before i started seeing someone else. she is just riding roughshod over all of you including your dd.
and i would emphasise to both her and your dd - no she does not have to meet him and shouldnt be forced to.
god she is going to hate her mum for this in years to come.

[Dieu]

What a bitch. Having been on the receiving end of similar, I am well placed to offer my sympathies

[HJWT]

@Andyjakeydan as heartbreaking as it all is, it will get easier BUT it will never get easier whilst your living with your wife and treating her like nothing has happened, as hard as it may be I think you really need to set some boundaries (away from your DD) tell your wife she has to stop asking to do stuff as a family especially in-front of DD, and from now on you will be living together but acting separate, she looks after herself and you look after yourself & only communicate when you need to (DD, Divorce or house sale stuff) and she also needs to stop pressuring your DD to see this OM because she will just end up resenting her, she sounds like she is having a midlife crisis in all honesty and this 'love bubble' wont last, but trust me... you will find happiness again and your DD will always appreciate the fact you was there for her at this hard time whilst her mother was of playing loved up teenager.

[HJWT]

Also does your Wige NOT work? Who is supporting her? How can she be away so much if she has a job...

[Andyjakeydan]

The wife is self employed,she’s living in a fantasy world...OM is 57 and retired so they can pretty much do what they like when they like....
I just need our house to sell asap but we’ve not had much interest so far,at least the first divorce letter from my solicitor is waiting for her when she gets back

[alvinp]

You need to man up for your daughter's sake. She is being traumatised at least as much as you are by this, and the coming and going, mixed messages etc will really play with her head.

Tell her to leave. She absolutely has to do this so you and your daughter can have some stability.

Stop being "in love" with her. I'm sorry but I think you're actually in love with your idea of her. You don't know her any more and frankly why would you want to. By all means grieve for your loss but don't hang on to her, and don't let her call the shots, it's just adding to the damage. Throw her out.

Finally, just think, you know now how self obsessed and callous she is. That won't change - your best revenge is to let new guy find this out for himself.

[alvinp]

PS I was in your shoes once. I know that pain.

[Andyjakeydan]

I’ve been nice to the stbexw through out this horiffic time but she’s out with him again tonight and she shows no shame or remorse at all so i’m thinking no more mr nice guy from me...i can’t throw her out as its half her house,its on the market but not sold as yet....any thoughts on how i should be towards her from now on?...i don’t want to be upsetting our daughter though

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

I think you need to start excluding her from family life. She can't have her cake and eat it. If it's not already the case, everything financial should be split 50/50. No more cooking, washing etc, no more cosy chats, keep it to the necessities. Continue to show your daughter how much you love her and make plans to find somewhere lovely to live with her. Good luck, you've been through enough.

[SandyY2K]

Stop being nice, just be cordial. Like you would to a colleague who irritates you.

If your DD doesn't want to meet the OM, she doesn't have to. She's old enough to decide on that point.

Your wife's behaviour is actually bordering on abuse. On a day like today where she's off with the OM... take your DD out before your wife leaves... go out and spend quality time with her... no need for your STBXW to know where you're going.

Don't make her part of your plans. She can jet off to NY... your DD isn't interested in going and she needs to listen to her.

Does your wife's family know what's going on? Can they talk some sense into her about leaving your DD out of it.

She's being a despicable role model. Consider looking into therapy for your DD. Her school is a good starting point.

[rosabug]

Just want to say - moving away is a mistake. You need to be there 100% for your daughter. Don't leave her with her mother - you'll be handing her over to a new stepdad, she will feel lost and betrayed and he has got to be a dick. Don't slither away - stay and fight for yourself and your daughter. You can do it.

This affair isn't going to work out for her - it won't - it sounds bollocks. That doesn't mean you should wait, your relationship is done.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Really Bad form that she told your daughter about the OM already, poor kid.

[TastelesslyDone]

Don’t cook for her.
Don’t clean her clothes.
Don’t tidy her shit away.
Don’t engage with any physical contact, especially if instigated by her.

She’s a selfish, slimy prat, and it’s not possible for you to do worse than her.

Focus your energies on your DD, any leftovers can go on solicitors and thinking about how you want this to pan out. Fuck your wife.

[Andyjakeydan]

The stbxw family do know whats going on but no one can talk any sense into her,its like he’s cast a spell on her,its been going on nearly 3 months now.
She’s not the woman i married anymore...once i’m out of this house i never want to see her face or hear her voice again..i’ll only communicate by text and only about dd.....

[HJWT]

@Andyjakeydan I think you just need to 'ignore her' when shes home, if she asks you a question then answer her but don't go out of your way to make conversation, don't make her a brew or her dinner etc, your single now act like it 😜 hope your doing ok

[Whatdyknow]

Hi @andyjakedan
I've been following your thread but not commented before. Mainly as it sounds so similar to my own situation with stbx partner (man but but married).
I think you've managed to get one step closer to getting sorted- well done. I too have a partner who seems to think it's OK to try & join in as a family & then spend time with OW when it suits him. I can so hear my own thoughts in what you write. You're trying not to upset DD any more than stbxw already has, but trying to keep out of each others way while you're still in the same house and having the om thrown in your face is a nightmare situation.

Hang in there and you will always know that you did what was right and with good intentions. You making progress is giving me the strength to keep pushing my own situation too.

[Andyjakeydan]

Hi,Whatdyknow
I think knowing there is no way back from this and the marriage is dead has helped me move forward in my mind slightly...
I asked my dd if she wanted to go to Disney Orlando just to give her something positive to look forward and she said yes...then i looked at the prices and wished i’d offered her a week in Basingstoke instead !!
Anyway Orlando it is.
One of my best friends wife (who i’ve know for 35 years) is in intensive care atm with blood cancer and a brain virus so i’m thinking are my problems the end of the world ?

[Whatdyknow]

Something for you both to look forward to sounds like a great plan and will help DD have a different focus if things get too much.
So sorry to hear about your friend's wife. It certainly puts things in perspective.

[Andyjakeydan]

You couldn’t make this up.....she was out shagging om yesterday and will be today too...a friend of hers has got a holiday cottage in Wales thats free for a weekend in feb,she asked if we wanted to...me dd and her....she is absolutely nuts....i told her to go with om but she said no....she is shot to shit

[Raindancer411]

As others have said, just look after yourself and DD. Do nothing for her, bills 50/50 and include her in nothing that you and DD do. This will send a clear message that you are not going to be there when it all falls through for her

[notanythingnewuser]

@Andyjakeydan shes wants her cake & to eat it also