Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

[Andyjakeydan]

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

[Andyjakeydan]

Thanks for that Ozziewozzie,i hope one day i can find someone to love and who’ll love me back....how my wife can treat me like this is beyond belief !

[MrsPworkingmummy]

Your wife sounds manipulative and spineless. What she has done to you is despicable! I can't believe that after 13 years together, she is throwing your relationship away for someone she's only just met!!! Have you suggested marriage counselling, or even had a heart to heart about how you're both feeling? It's all very recent and I imagine still very raw. It's disgusting that she hasn't even tried to work things out with you or improve your relationship before jumping ship. It's really, really sad. Do not be a mug!! Do not be a doormat!! Get legal advice, serve her a decree nisi and kick her out (at least out of the marital bedroom onto the sofa). You deserve more and there is better out there.

[Weenurse]

💐🍷 and hugs.

[Andyjakeydan]

So its sunday morning and the wife has spent yesterday and last night with him and is coming back today,how the hell am i supposed to greet her when she gets back ?

[MisstoMrs]

Be polite (because you’re not an arsehole). Say hi, then Ignore her, you know, like she is your feelings.

[pinkDEpanter]

Say hi, but then busy yourself with something else. Don't ask questions etc. Stick to the list. When she gets in, maybe you could go out for a bit :)

[Trippedupagain]

I think you've had some excellent advice on here so I will only add a small thing but one which stands out enormously to me - please stay with your daughter, or at least nearby. Your wife will likely move the OM in with her as soon as she can, or he will be around a lot at the very least and your DD will not want to be around that, she will want to be with you. An hour away is too far, I'm sorry.

[FlipF]

I'd go out and not be there when she returns.

I like the list. It's sensible.

OP, have you told any friends or family yet?

[Andyjakeydan]

Well she’s home now,i’m taking my daughter to the cinema this afternoon and the asked if she can come with us...and like a the door mat i am i said yes

[Hopoindown31]

Did she go with you? I hope you didn't pay for her.

[Changedname3456]

WTF? Why?!
Tell her to sling her hook, and quickly. She’s long forfeited the right to play happy families with you.

[inlectorecumbit]

OP why did you not ask your DW if you could go with her on her jolly with OM.
She is willing to gatecrash your time, why not gatecrash hers? The reason is that she has a backbone and is walking all over you. It is your DD that l feel more sorry for she is being given mixed messages.
If you can't do it for yourself please grow a backbone for your DD before both you and your DW screw her up completely

[ravenmum]

Did she ask in front of your daughter? That would be hard to refuse. You need to sit down and think about how you can refuse to interact with her in a way that doesn't upset your daughter, so that you're prepared if it happens again. And come to some sort of interim arrangement whereby you generally interact as little as possible, until one of you leaves. Would she go along with it if you arranged to spend alternate days with your daughter while the other keeps out of the way?

[Cobblersandhogwash]

You must be in pieces. And emotionally wrung out.

She has behaved incredibly badly.

She has treated you and your daughter with nothing but contempt.

Please don't accept any of her words about 'best friend' etc. It's all bullshit.

I hope you can find it within you to divorce her and protect your daughter from any more trauma.

You are your daughter's rock now.

[FamilyOfAliens]

It’s tricky she asked you but if you’d said no and your DD wanted her to come, that could have caused a scene. Maybe next time make sure you go early so you’re gone by the time she gets back.

[Wherearemymarbles]

I guess if she aksed you in front of your daughter fair enough.
How are you getting on with divorce papers? The sooner you get some paperwork in front of her the better.

Something a work colleague did when his ex rubbed his nose in it in not completely dissimilar was to buy some perfume and if he was seeing her would put a tiny amount on his clothes. She changed very quickly when she thought he wasnt waiting in the wings for her.

[Andyjakeydan]

My daughter wanted her to come with us,ps i started divorce proceedings a month ago

[labazsisgoingmad]

her staying will only be detrimental for your daughter she has chosen a new life so she needs to take her sorry cheating self as far away from you as possible to stop upsetting you and your daughter. due to her age courts will take into account what her wishes are

[Wherearemymarbles]

I also think maybe shock her a bit.
When she come back say something like
‘Did you have a nice fuck dear’ as breezily as you can and things like ‘i do hope you are using protection’ and ‘do you go halves on the hotel’ ie force her to engage in what she is doing becasue she is probably totally compartmentalising it.

Easye for me to say than you do of course

[Hiphopopotamous]

I don't know why you are being so nice and accommodating to her! You need to toughen up and stop being a doormat. Why are you greeting her when she comes back from OM? Are you in separate bedrooms?

If you absolutely have to stay living together while you divorce, you need to set some boundaries.

[MrsJDornan]

Please try not to keep letting her walk over you, I know it's hard when your daughter is obviously involved but it may confuse her

[Andyjakeydan]

I think i’m being nice cos one day i want her to regret what she’s done(i don’t suppose she will though).....me and my daughter will have a good relationship what ever happens,i’ll always be there for her and she knows that...as for my wife,i’ll have as little to do with her as i possibly can.She actually asked me if i wanted to meet him before my daughter meets him...i said if i meet him i’ll beat him half to death,my daughter doesn’t want to meet him either

[Lunde]

I'm sorry but there is nothing left of your relationship. Your W is being very cruel and manipulative - she is openly seeing someone else but wants you to play happy families when it suits her. She is not treating you as a "friend" but as a disposable person that she can pick up and drop when she doesn't have anything doing on. She just seems to expect you to just be a mug sitting and waiting while she goes out with OM.

I think you need to start separating your lives while you are divorcing. You need to be less of a doormat and less facilitating. Can you move into a spare room? You need to stop doing any household jobs that you would normally do for her such as shopping, laundry and maintenance and just focus on you and your daughter. Perhaps you should reconnect with friends and go out a a little yourself.

[SandyY2K]

Thanks for the list Sandy,i’ll do my best to stick to it

You're welcome.
Next time... go out with your DD before wife gets home.

Don't include her in your plans.

Do her family know what she's doing?

I wouldn't keep her secret.... so your DD knows her mum is having an affair?

I think you should ask your DD who she wants to live with ... because if she lives with her mum... she will see a lot of the OM.

Keep with the 180. When she's not with her OM.. get yourself ready and go out in the evening... socialise...anything...just get away from her and minimise your time together.

It can just be to the gym...go and see your family. No need to tell her where you're going... just "I'm off out. See you later" and shut the door...no need for a conversation. She doesn't deserve it.

[Ozziewozzie]

With divorce papers perhaps? What must your daughter be thinking about where her mum is going all the time?
Your wife seems to spend more time with gigalo than with your daughter. A 12 year old needs there mum more than ever at this age.
In the future, if you find yourself needing any ladies advice for your daughter, there is an abundance of experienced mum and dads on here willing to help.
A massive credit to you for holding the fort and not playing the silly woman at her own games.