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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife is having an affair so i’ve started divorce proceedings

221 replies

Andyjakeydan · 06/01/2019 19:19

My wife and i have been together for 13 years and married for the last 5 years and we have a 12 yo daughter,on november 16th she told me it was all over and that there was someone else involved who she met at a do on the 22nd october.At the point she told me about it she hadn’t slept with him but she was stay at his place (100 miles away) the following weekend,which she did and consumated the affair thats when i started divorce proceedings...since then the om has been up our way and stayed in hotels on several occasions and wife spends the evenings with him doing what you do in hotel rooms...obviously this is killing me as i still love her dearly.She is adament that our marrigae is over,i’ve tried my best to save to save our marriage but now i’ve given up all hope as this new man is wonderful apparently...we’ve not even had so much as an argument in the last 5 years so i am in total shock,i’ve had to go to the doctors who has out me on sleeping pills and anti depressants.....this other man is wealthier than me and is taking my wife to New York for her birthday in june(my daughter doesn’t want to go with them)....the om is yet to meet my daughter but wants to(i refused to let my wife take her to meet him,as our daughter doesn’t want to meet him)....so in a nut shell i’ve started a divorce i don’t want as i would have my wife back in a heartbeat,se’re still living together while we’re trying to sell our house.....am i right to have given up trying to save our marriage and start to move on in my mind ?

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 09/02/2019 06:39

I think that you should think about letting dd live with you. It sounds like her mum is too self obsessed to be a good mum or respect dd's boundaries regarding OM. At 12 she can go to school by herself, you can find a house along the busroute to her school or something like that. Of course DD should get a say in this but please don't move away and make it impossible for her to live with you.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 09/02/2019 08:31

Dd loves her mum dearly and to be honest the stbxw was a fantastic mum until this affair started,because of my working hours (i have be on call 24hrs a day some weeks) it makes more sense for dd to live with her mum,plus with issues like personal girly stuff i think she’s better off with her mum.There won’t be arguments about access,dd can stay with me when ever she wants to...i plan to have her everyother weekend plus take her out for tea once a week but if dd wants to see me more often than that then she will see me more often

OP posts:
BabyCowUsesPotty · 09/02/2019 12:45

OP please give your DD the chance to live with you. Your situation is spookily similar to my parents when I was mid teens.
We stayed with my Dad in the marital home. Mum moved out with her (horrible) bf/affair partner. Once she was with him she gave no shits about us.
My dad still is my rock. My mum cares about herself only.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 09/02/2019 14:04

If my dd wants to live with then she can,i’ll stay local so can stay at the same school...we’ve just assumed she’ll stay with her her mum but ddcan make her own mind up who she spends most time with

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 09/02/2019 15:15

Good choice staying local. I went through very similar. Got a rental within weeks, moved out and took my daughter with me, but made sure generous contact with exw. Court case ensued, but it went my way and I'm still RP.

explodingkitten · 09/02/2019 15:30

If my dd wants to live with then she can,i’ll stay local so can stay at the same school...we’ve just assumed she’ll stay with her her mum but ddcan make her own mind up who she spends most time with

I'm happy to hear that she has a choice. She might want to live with mum now but she might change her mind when the OM becomes more of a permanent houseguest. At least she'll have an out.

You sound like a good father. I hope that you will find happiness again.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/02/2019 15:42

Your daughter needs a parent who can and will put her needs before her own, and the moment that's you.

YOU are the stable reliable parent your DD has. YOU are the one looking after your DD not your Ex. Looking after your DD full time is going to be no different to what you are doing now.

As for your Ex you need to make absolutely clear to her that there will be no joint anything, there will be no shared holidays and you will not be doing anything for her from now on. That you are separated and will be sharing the house until it is sold. And that you are there for your DD and nothing else. You need to stop being her friend, trying to be nice to your Ex for a quite life because until then your Ex will continue to behave badly.

I might also throw in that you Ex needs to stop behaving like love sick teenager rushing of to sleep with OM at the drop of a hat and start being a parent because your DD will lose all respect for her mother and will disconnect from her and they will not have any sort of relationship when your DD is a adult.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 09/02/2019 19:59

Thanks for the replies.....
I think dd will lose respect for her mum in 3/4 years time,i have said to stbxw that she’s losing dd bit by bit...dd is definitely showing signs of less to respect to her mum already eg dd will go and get me a packet of crisps from the kitchen but if her mum asks her to dd will say no....little things but i think things will only get worse between them once we’ve gone our seperate ways...i’ve got no sympathy for stbxw as i wasn’t a bad husband....i think she’ll reap what she’s sown in the future

OP posts:
Meca · 10/02/2019 21:27

Grass greener on the other side. The freedom that you wanted bad is yours for good I hope your glad.
Rules for life be grateful for what you have not what you don't. Happiness comes from within not from what you have or what is arround you. Dont be negative be poative and stop blaming others for your woes and unhappiness. Remember its a state of mind being happy. Be young at heart enjoy life it may be a rocky ride somtimes but surly the person you are with is the person you want to do things with. Never ceases to amaze me how people can't talk and do things together and have common interest and also other things they like to do by them selves . Your wife has made a decision so now concentrate on yourself and this will then allow you to be there for your daughter. Under no circumstances tell your wife you love her ,will take her back or beg .If she wants to comes back and tells you she made a mistake then tell her a mistake is backing your car into a lamppost. She has made a conscious decision to get involved with someone else. Love has to be tough and it works both ways no one has the right to do this to you and at the end of the day you are married. I also read on here about propaganda about staying in a marriage. There is so much the other way as well it's ok to have an affair leave your marriage the list goes on dating sites promoting affairs. Remember when you are married you are supposed to be a team there is no I in team.
Be strong

Meca · 10/02/2019 21:30

Don't fret about how you were hold your head up.Try to stop analizing things in your head .Remember no one has the right to rent space in your mind .

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 13/02/2019 19:36

So my daughter got off the school bus today to see her and him sat in his car about 100 yards from our house.....they really are the scum of the earth.....

OP posts:
MrsJDornan · 13/02/2019 21:51

Your ex wife needs to put your daughters feeling ahead of her wanting to play happy families with this new guy, how is your daughter?

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 13/02/2019 22:56

Daughter was a bit upset but she’s ok now thanks,i just don’t know what they were playing at parking where the bus stops

OP posts:
Whatdyknow · 13/02/2019 23:01

@andyjakeydan
That really is so heartless. She's obviously lost all ability to consider anyone else but to not even think of DD! You have to wonder what happens to grown adults & parents when they have an affair. Or were they always these people but hid it well.

Hope you & DD are OK.

justasking111 · 13/02/2019 23:19

Too tired to read thread tonight. But I would not be selling the house, your daughter needs stability which you are providing.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 14/02/2019 17:22

Got no choice but to sell the house i’m afraid

OP posts:
Whatdyknow · 19/02/2019 23:01

Hi @andyjakeydan
How's things going this week. Are you & DD on half term? Hopefully doing something nice.

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 20/02/2019 07:01

I’ve got no time off so the stbx has to spend time with her this week(that buggers up her love life this week)....i’ll have 10 days off to take DD to florida at the end of May.
I’m glad DD is having some quality time with her mum....its good to see that DD is the priority for a change

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 20/02/2019 07:09

I’ve no words of advice I’m afraid but having been cheated on and initiated by own divorce proceedings in response I do think you are doing the right thing. I hope you find love in the future with someone more trustworthy 💐

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 20/02/2019 08:30

Thanks.....i’ve joined a couple of dating sites but its horrible

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 20/02/2019 08:37

OP I really don't think now is the time to join dating sites. Focus on sorting out your new life, things with your DD. She's going through just as big an upheaval as you are and she's got to cope with mum and her new bloke without dad off dating new women already.

Wallywobbles · 20/02/2019 08:38

I stayed single for 6 years between relationships. There's no hurry to date. Really really no hurry. It takes a long time to find "you" again after this.

MostlyBoastly · 20/02/2019 08:40

Your wife is so caught up in her own needs at the moment she’s not giving a thought to any one else.

The idea that she immediately wanted to introduce your DD to him makes me think she’s having some kind of mental health crisis. Either that, or she’s just a rotten shit.

notapizzaeater · 20/02/2019 08:59

She's not playing very fair at all. You need to prioritise your daughter over her. Is wife still sleeping in your bedroom ?

Original poster
Andyjakeydan · 20/02/2019 09:26

Shatners wig....i don’t think i’ll be dating anyone for a good while yet,i just joined i haven’t chatted to anyone as i’ve got no enthusiasm for it yet..just thought i’d join as its been 3 months now since the bombshell...but you’re right it is too soon for me

OP posts: