Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

What's done is done. Stop apologising as you are only giving them permission to ignore you and treat you bad.

Perspective needed: your husband has hurt you deeply and you drank too much and let it all out. You didn't kill anyone.

Definitely stay off the drink. How is your husband with you?

Oh man. You got pissed and blurted out your slightly under the surface managed pain. They "should" be consoling and supporting you. I'm sorry they're ostracising you. It's early days but unless my DH rallied to my defence and said you were dealing with the Herculean task of forgiving him- then he's not got it. I'm sorry op. How shit.

Do you know what you actually said or not?

What do you want to apologise for - getting drunk or telling them the truth?

My husband seems OK with me. While we were there he was being really tough on me like his dad. Saying it's the final straw and time to call it quits. Now that we're back, he is still distant. Don't really know what he is thinking.

We've got a counselling session tomorrow.

Yes, doing a drink free month at least and then I'll take it from there. Maybe I'll never drink again.

As for his dad, ffs. Talk about passing the buck. You wouldn't be hurt if his precious son had not slept with someone else. Don't email the dad again.

You are being made out to be the bad guy. Unreal.

He should be supporting you OP, not feeling small because you embarrassed him ,but I have to say I think this is a typical reaction

He thinks you’re the unreasonable one in this situation? Can he not understand that he’s the architect of this whole situation and that he’s the one who has put you in the difficult position and compounded it by taking you for Christmas at his father’s? Presumably the father is embarrassed because it reminds him of his own conduct and again, his problem.
Please don’t you dare grovel for apologies when you are the one who has been wronged xxx

What is it they're cross about? Do they not believe you? What did your husband day to them?

If it was just a case of them being annoyed you got drunk and blurted it all out I can't see why they've not accepted it.

Oh no you poor thing. Stop apologising as its done. Its so easy to drink too much when you are hiding so much emotion and hurt so don't beat yourself up.This sort of thing happenend to me and I had to give up drinking to remain in control.
My h also began blaming me etc. You need to stand up for yourself. If he won't support you detach from him/leave him.

i was really shocked actually. The next day I had really had a mental breakdown and was quite hysterical. Not very becoming of me I know.

But his dad was focused on the fact that I had gotten into emails, which my husband could sue me for.

Anyways, I am embarassed of myself. I truly am and won't let this kind of thing happen again. I am just worried that now they have this horrible opinion of me.

Wait a minute. HE had an affair and he's not sure he can forgive YOU for telling people about it?

mendingheart I am also trying to forgive an affair. It's too hard. I am only trying because my children have pleaded with me to make things work.

The one or two occasions when I've allowed myself to drink this festive period I have ranted at him. Told him I can't forgive him.

So now I'm giving up drinking.

I guess you (and I) need to decide whether we want to make it work, and if you can find ways to deal with your anger.

I have no good advice. I just want you to know you are not alone, and that there is someone out there making the same mistakes.

If you don't have any dc then to be honest I would probably leave and start over. You are right though you didn't deserve the gas lighting and lies.

Don't apologise again. You've done that. You cannot make them accept.

You don't really know what you've said if you were as out of it as you say so they could be using this for their agenda - gives them an excuse to blame you for something and not their son/brother who they may have found being loyal to and respecting difficult in recent times.

Hope the therapy sessions help you. Sounds like you may have "blown at some point with the hurt.

Well if he hadn't shagged anyone behind your back and emailed them then there would be nothing to rant about. If your husband doesn't want the details getting out then he should have kept it in his pants.
His family should be supporting you but I know my oh's family would be the same as your oh's.

His dad can get knotted. Sounds like all philanderers pulling together. What are your terms for agreeing to continue with the relationship? The family have already been told a pack of self serving half truths about you to justify the affair so yes, they probably have the opinion of you that it was convenient for your husband to give at the time. Based on how the family are treating you, what continued contact do you want with them now / I’m future? It really is time for you to set your own terms and boundaries. Your husband can manage his family.

@bloodyfucksake and @mendingheart - me three by the way. And I had the also-philandering FIL in my house at Christmas. He has ignored me and kids since May when it came to light and I view him with absolute indifference now.

Both father and son are cheaters. I'd say they heard a few home truths and felt guilty and uncomfortable and trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Fuck them ok, you've nothing to feel guilty about - drunk or not.

Will they ever forgive me?
Eh?
You've not actually done anything wrong.
A few home truths about FIL precious son.
Tough!
You are the one who was cheated on.
You were lied to.
Made to feel like you were going mad.
You've done your best to forgive but a thing like that never leaves you.
Never.
Please stop apologising.
You've been through a lot and a breakdown, however big or small, is inevitable.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You got it out there.
Everyone now knows what he is truly like.
Did you do all of this in front of your DC?

In terms of relationship - we only see them between 5-10 days a year as we live in a different country.

I guess I'd like to continue to be included as family and be able to visit them a few days a year without them ignoring me or treating me like an outcast?

We have never had a close relationship with them. I'd just like to continue the formal relationship we had before I guess.

For example; we always had a group chat. Now no messages like happy new year are being sent too me - guess I am removed from the conversation.

Leave. And tell them all to get fucked. Horrible wankers.

Your husband is a cheater and obviously he didn't fall very far from the tree. Leave him and his dad to it.

It's odd as normally I'd say "Stop drinking" but all that happened when you did drink was tell people the truth and I don't think it's fair to stop you from doing that. However, to feel better in yourself it's probably a good idea not to drink.

I wonder why you want to stay with this man. He didn't stand up for you even though you were clearly very, very hurt. He doesn't have your back, does he? Does he look up to his dad? Did he ever downplay the effect of his dad's affair on his mum?

How long did your husband's affair go on for? What happened in the end - did he end it voluntarily?

Why are they ignoring you because they found out what a shitbag their son is?! Obviously its a family trait
Fuck them all op

you sound like a doormat so no advice for you sorry