Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

Sorry just to add, I'm rather astounded just reading your other post about the extent of the affair, hotel trips, nights at her apartment, fake work trips etc... how on earth do you find the strength to forgive that type of behaviour and try to work on your marriage? With a POS as deceitful and vulgar as that?? You deserve better. My advice is GET OUT OF THAT ENTIRE FAMILY, husband included. They sound like an absolute nightmare and, again, YOU DESERVE BETTER.

time to get angry and leave

I'll bring it up in counselling tomorrow that I didn't get the support from my husband that I expected.

Obviously my behavior was out of line. But, to make me feel like an outcast with his family was just horrible.

They were being extra nice to him, and ignoring me...

Don't really understand.

Anyways, if it's the last straw for him so be it.

I won't be made to feel like I have done something wrong. My head is filled with lies and secrets I can't tell anyone about his dad and him.

At least I didn't take a go at his dad during my rant. I guess that's positive.

MY DH mother still rants about the affair to this day, 10 years later.

She never really recovered from it.

You're never going to "get back" to any relationship with these toxic people.

What worries me is why would you want to? It doesn't matter if you sank a bottle of Absinthe, did a line of crack or just got overwhelmed with sadness, the truth will out as they say. Your husband sounds like a narc and you sound like an enabler. You need counselling on your own: Your husband is still treating you like dirt after what he did and you are still accepting it.

how on earth do you find the strength to forgive that type of behaviour and try to work on your marriage?

Its not strength its fear

Why are you trying to 'save' this marriage OP? Why do you feel like this is good enough for you?

I would be so angry at my sons if they did this to their wives as would my OH. You really deserve better OP.

My head is filled with lies and secrets I can't tell anyone about his dad and him
Why not?????
Keeping this all a secret is the surest way to a mental breakdown.
That's why you are suffering so much.
The relief when I told people about my ExH was immense.
Please tell someone.
A trusted non-judgey friend???
Stop bottling this up.
It's really unhealthy.
It's also really unhealthy to stay with this loser.
You will NEVER trust him again.
Your life will never be the same again.
You tried - but it really is time to cut and run!

Wow. Have you considered that perhaps you won't even need anti-depressants if you're no longer married to a twat like your h? He had an affair, didn't even come clean or stop it when you rumbled him, and you are the one behaving unreasonably? C'mon. He's a bastard. Even being alone is better than this. As for his family, well, now you see why he's such a dicksmack.

we really do love eachother. And were in such a good place before we left.

I just felt like his dad really boosted him up along with the girlfriend. From their point of view affairs are OK. noone in the family would ever be permitted to speak of the dad's life choices.

Forbidden.

It's not really a family environment. More we just go and show dad we're doing fine, go for a couple of dinners. The relationship is not close.

What you have with him, it's not love, sweetheart, it's co-dependency.

I can really understand how you feel OP. I was in a similar situation with my exDH, and I was deeply traumatised by it, and I went on to behave badly as a result, and was attacked by exDH and family for it.

It took a year of therapy to get over my breakdown (but I did get over it).

I'm NC with exDH now. Best thing I ever did.

Being traumarised does often end up with a breakdown, and you really cannot be held responsible for either the actions of your DH that caused the breeakdown in the first place, nor for his lack of support now.

I'm not saying what you did was ideal, but it does show how much you are having to deal with as a result of the affair.

I hope your counsellor can help. Meantime, don't feel guilty.

I don’t see that you have done anything wrong. Just tell them what their son has done - in vino veritas.

However blood is thicker than water.

Do you have kids with him?

You weren’t ever in a good place you were simply lying to yourself and papering over the cracks. In vino veritas you communicated your real feelings. DH is telling you it’s the final straw because he wants out.

Snap Pockybot.

I had a similar flip out afer drinking on anti depressants, not a good combination so lesson learnt for next time.

I can't really see what youve done wrong, and despite the fact you say you're handling the affair well - its obviously still on your mind an when you saw an opportunity to vent you took it.

He certainly is in no position to take the high ground.

This sounds like another example of him manipulating you, and invalidated your feelings and emotions, whether drunk or sober.

Families forgive, and i'm sure they can forgive his abuse of trust and deceit, they can forgive you telling the truth.

Bloody hell, no wonder you had a pissed rant - bottling up so much is really not good for your health, you certainly needed a release.

DH and family do sound like a troupe of gaslighting fuckwits. I am appalled by them and as for suing over emails - yeah, right FIL.

If you don't get away from this family of shitbags, things will continue to get even worse.

Do not feel guilty OP.

we really do love eachother
NOPE!!!!
He does NOT love you.
You do not treat someone you love the way he has treated you.
Sorry but you just don't.
How does he SHOW you he loves you?
Do you feel totally loved and cherished?
Like you are the only person he will ever want again in his life?
Like a princess who is adored?
NO!!!??? Thought not!

There should have been an acceptance of your apology and as others have said, your Dh should have encouraged and supported this. Yes, blood may be thicker than water, however the need to be objective in regard to your hisband’s awful behaviour. No more apologies, no emails. I wish you all the best.

Jesus Christ
I can’t believe I am reading this.
He does not love you BTW

Well, look, something about your perception of your relationship currently with your DH is off.

Either you were "in a good place" and "truly love each other" or the outburst was totally unjustified.

I think you wish to believe you were in a good place and forgiving and moving on, but actually neither of you are there yet. If ever.

Your DH should not be threatening to leave you for telling his family the pain his affair and lies caused you. No matter how drunk you were. He was and remains the one in the wrong.

No one can or should tell you what to do. But in your situation, where it had become clear to me that my husband was not to be trusted (not just the affair, but what he has told other people - family - about you and your perceived faults) then I would leave.

The plain truth is that your husband doesn't love you. He couldn't love you and do the things you have described. You are still being gaslighted. You are the wronged party here. Stop apologising and start getting angry at the treatment you have received by this awful family. Good luck to you OP. You deserve better. Xx

I really can't remember a word I said.

The sub-conscious of my mind is certainly been impacted. I have very scary dreams reliving all the nightmares and sometimes I wake up shouting. But I am not conscious.

What I said didn't really reflect my true feelings at the moment.
There is just so much traumatizing events in my mind.

So maybe was a mix up of feelings and past memories over the past year which were just let loose.

...If he really loved you and was truly repentant about his horrible behavior, he should've been ashamed by the way his family was treating you.

It's understandable that he'd be embarrassed that you told all the dirty details about his cheating and lying, but he should've been able to overcome that and take some responsibility for his (huge starring) role in it all. He definitely shouldn't have been saying anything about final straws!

I can't see that he's worth fighting for, at this point, but good luck if you do...

I was about to come on to say I can't believe HE'S the one calling it the final straw after having an affair, then I realised I completely recognise the behaviour. Just days after finding out about my ex cheating, he was doing similar to me and turning it round so I was the one apologising. He sounds like a manipulative, gaslighting prick. His family are encouraging the behaviour. I really think you should leave him OP, though I know this is far easier said than done