Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Your husband is a cheating scumbag like his father. Ok, you got drunk and blurted out the truth, and now you're the bad guy? He doesn't think he can forgive you?! Seriously, toughen up and let him know you are the only one who needs to do the forgiving. It shows he has no understanding of what he's put you through. Personally I'd LTB. He's not worth your tears. Don't give a second thought to his father. You can't expect empathy from another cheat. Stop apologising.

Well where to begin.... your DH is cut from the same cloth as his dad Affairs are acceptable in their world.

Had the tables been turned all sympathy would have been with your H.

Fu*k the group chat. They can stick their happy new year messages. What do they add to your life? If you never see them again you'll be fine.

Don't apologise any more...FIL should be sorry his son did this to you...but that would make him a hypocrite.

Do you think he would have forgiven a 10 month affair...you having srz with another man... hotels...lies...gaslighting.

He should be sorry he did this to you. Quite frankly I'd tell him he can go. If he didn't make the choice to cheat...you would not have said anything.

To the pp who said her kids were begging her to stay...do they know what their dad did?

Is that what they expect from marriage... a cheating spouse.

So if they cheat..they'll expect forgiveness because mum did. They'll grow up and live their lives...it's you who was betrayed.

It doesn’t matter what you said. It is a direct result of storing and dealing alone with toxic shit from what he actually DID. The fact that you have held that back every day is no small achievement. Do not let this be pushed back on you. Not only am I gonna give you an unmumsnetty hug, I am lighting a camp fire 🔥 and getting a guitar out to sing Kumbaya ( my singings shite and I can’t play the guitar ! ) then we are going to dance around the fire like Betty White and Sandra Bullock.

I’m sorry to say, but if you’re having recurrent nightmares reliving the scenarios then that IS how you’re feeling about the situation
Your conscious cannot subvert your subconscious
It just doesn’t work

My dear, you were not 'in a good place' you had told yourself to STFU and get on with things - cos of course that suited your H and by extension, his family.

You have NOT dealt with the hurt, betrayal and lies. It's all there and needed to come out.

Shame on your H for being a cheat, double shame on him for not 'getting it' about the fact that his behaviour will have a lasting effect on you and your relationship.

However, special shame on his (equally morally bankrupt) family for not understanding you and your need for support

Fuck them all. every single one of them. you are head shoulders and a whole other person above them.

Whenever that slimeball of an H even so much as raises an eyebrow at you, you will reply - so you shagged women behind my back, schemed, plotted and spent family time and money ball deep elsewhere, but I'M the BAD GUY? Jog on.

OP, I had really scary dreams, daytime flashbacks, bouts of anger, fear of going out, hyper-vigilance...I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor sent me for a psych evaluation and it was diagnosed. I had treatment and those symptoms have all but gone. Might be a good idea to talk to your doc?

Meanwhile, you didn't create the trauma, and part of rebuilding your relationship must surely be for your DH to support you through your recovery of the trauma he created?

I agree with above poster. Something is very wrong with this situation. You have suffered a trauma and YOU are being made to feel guilty for feeling traumatised. Fuck any man and family that would make it your problem. Drunk or not.

Forget your couples counselling, you need your own seperate trauma focused counselling ASAP for you as an individual. To build yourself up and move yourself forward, it sounds scarily that you are letting this idea of 'family' and being included in it, brainwash you and ending up feeling bad about it when its not you who should be shunned! You are simply a human reacting to something disgusting. Love to you. Leave this man, for your own mental health and respect for yourself.

Having read your update I honestly don't know how you were able to stay with him. Sorry OP. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

When you are conscious you squash down all the scary feelings and trauma.

When that power of blocking it consciously is removed - through alcohol, through medication, through sleep - you experience all the feelings and trauma you have not dealt with.

, OP. It is so tough. But you need some counselling just for you, on your own, to process your emotions. The relationship counselling can go alongside that, but you urgently need to be in touch with what you really feel.

Well the apple didn't fall from the tree did it.

I suspect the reason his father and GF reacted like they did id because they behaved the same as your husband did while having 'their affair'.

Don't keep their secrets and lies, whether that's your husband or theirs. The only way forward is being 100% honest with each other, and with close family. Your own mental health well being is the most important thing and not feeling guilty for letting out your feelings.

In Vino Veritas, that’s probably how you truly feel, all that anger and hurt all shoved down into a corner to “move on” and not hurt poor DHs feelings.

Fuck that shit. If he can say at any poiint that could be the last straw for him when he lied and cheated then all I can say is him and his family have you wrapped up in a tight little net of behaviour management haven’t they?

I don’t believe you can genuinely ever trust anyone again after they have cheated.

I don’t believe you can ever be truly you while swallowing that bile he’s left in you.

Seriously use the counselling to access your protective rage and leave him.

You've said it yourself that a while ago he was planning on leaving you and now he says this might be the last straw for him. I'm sorry to say, but this is not love! It wasn't just a one night stand, he was planning on leaving you, he is not defending you from his father, he says it's the last straw and is acting distant... A relationship should not be this hard and make you feel so bad. It really shouldn't. And that's not how someone who's regretful and wants to make things right acts!

I am sorry, but you don't really love each other. He does not love you. He couldn't love you and do what he did and he couldn't love you and treat you this way.

Do I think hon should have said something in that way? No, I don't. But the idea that you need to change your life to give up alcohol so you don't say what you feeling also strikes me as wrong and that's from someone who doesn't drink myself.

You are not in a relationship, and he doesn't love you, I suspect you fear him and have been so manipulated you can't see life without him.

I won't say leave, but I really don't understand why you are staying.

And were in such a good place before we left.

Except that's not true is it? Because you're suppressing all this (rightful) anger and hurt and it came bursting out of you thanks to some overindulgence. That is NOT a good place. Please see that you are worth far more than this.

Except that's not true is it? Because you're suppressing all this (rightful) anger and hurt and it came bursting out of you thanks to some overindulgence. That is NOT a good place. Please see that you are worth far more than this.

this exactly

and IF your husband loved you he would have stood up for you against his family and understood how the hurt from his affair and subsequent behaviour was affecting you

I suspect you are only getting on alright and in a good place because you are not thrashing out the issues with him, and are going along with what he wants/does, whilst surpressing all the anger. His true colours rose quickly to the surface once you dropped out of the happy role, and to threaten to leave because of it, when he is the one who has cauised the pain clearly demonstrates that unless you are happy to sweep everything under the carpet and never raise the issue again, he will be off. Thats emotional blackmail.

And he will do it again. His family condone his behaviour. They think its no big deal. And that you need to STFU about it. This will be deep in his psyche.

Thats no good for you. In order to move on you need to clear all the trauma, and that is not going to happen while you have to surpress it from him, and from others. Im hoping your councelling will help you to see this and to feel good enough to leave him. Your husband should not be causing you trauma.

Thanks for all the wise words. I have stopped hating myself after reading these thoughts.

Tomorrow at counselling I will express my feelings on the matter. Hopefully have a neutral third party will help illustrate to my husband why his behavior has been wrong.

In the meantime, I have nothing more to say to his father and I am not going to commit to visiting them any time in the future until my husband sticks up for me and tells them the way they treated me after my breakdown was not fair.

Everyone was angry with me and telling me off. Not one person in the house asked if I was OK. As I was crying and shaking, it was pretty obvious I was not OK. But, that didn't matter.

Really it's obvious all of them want me to shut up.

Oh OP. You're not OK, who would be? I hope counselling helps. Would be good to talk this through with your doc as well. Especially the dreams. They really do listen when patients present with disturbed sleep because that alone can be so debilitating and affect the rest of your life.

The NHS intro to ptsd goes like this:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.

"Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt.
They may also have problems sleeping, such as insomnia, and find concentrating difficult.
These symptoms are often severe and persistent enough to have a significant impact on the person's day-to-day life."

You can read on here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

You owe none of those enabling a-holes an apology. You only spoke the truth, perhaps in a ranty, obscene way, but sorry, you don't have to take this past affair on the chin a 'be a lady' about it. Sounds like you have a helluva lot of unresolved, unprocessed stuff to deal with and that is ok. Your DH needs to understand that time is your best ally and time takes time. Work on healing. The rest will come.

Your DH is a dick for making you feel awful about still feeling awful about the awful thing he did to you (both!).

You don't need to write any letters. You just need to work on healing. Stop pleasing your FIL and DH's family and look after yourself. If they genuinely love you (and I am sure they do) you'll all find your way back to each other. You don't owe anyone a thing. You owe yourself kindness and time to heal.

Give up the booze. It brings nothing but trouble. Or at least, drink moderately, a glass a week or per month and don't go beyond a glass. You're the captain of your ship. Steer it well and steer it sober.

That's the spirit. He was plotting to leave you. Don't let him put this on you.

PS; I mean 'ranty and obscene' in their eyes. You're not obscene! And you have every right to be ranty! Sounds like you've been shut down and not allowed to face the struggle. You've had to shut-up and put on a good face. That's acting like your healing, not healing itself. This is not about proving you're the good wife that your DH almost lost. You're the one who is trying to forgive. But isn't it convenient that your DH is now making you feel like you ought to beg for HIS forgiveness and the forgiveness of his (as someone said above so well, morally bankrupt) family? You've had a mass gaslighting! A family gaslighting experience! They dog-piled you and made YOU feel as if YOU were in the wrong... the unstable, nutty wife, flying off the handle in front of the whole family. Gasp! Never-mind what drove you to that point. They'll ignore that bit. Your DH is doing NO work towards helping your marriage recover, it sounds like. And I think your rant expressed this. Alcohol is a beast. But hey, maybe you needed to lash out. Maybe this is the actual wake up call and the time to really question if it's all worth it. I love that they're the ones setting your moral compass for you. That's a good party trick. Bastards, the lot of them, including your unsupportive, spoiled DH who hasn't taken responsibility for his pathetic actions. More !

Run for the hills.
Run as fast as you can
Your husband is toxic and he is not remorseful or willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe in your relationship.
His family are toxic .
You don’t need any of them.

You realise you're going to live his mother's life if you don't get out now, don't you?

And I never wish infidelity on anyone, but I wouldn't object if his father discovered his new wife had been unfaithful and was plotting to leave.

Please stop apologising and for god's sake stop feeling guilty. Your dh and his father and even his father's gf have been gaslighting the hell out of you. You have suffered so much trauma at the hands of your dh.
You have done nothing, not one single thing wrong.

I would so like this to end in a good place for you and far away from those two despicable men.

It would seem that his stance is that now he has ceased the affair, you must therefore accept him as repented & never mention it again.
Frankly, if "it's the final straw", it's just that he wants it all swept under the carpet,
Boot the Gas lighting piece of shit & his damaged family to touch.

Hmphhh what you said about his son was probably a little too close to home for his father as the apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree did it?

Ok so you could have handled the situation better but I don’t think it’s your behaviour that’s the worst here!

Strongly suspect you would be better off without these people in your life including your ‘D’H.