Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

So alcohol was not your friend in this instance. How “terrible” that they have have been faced with a one off chemical reaction that caused you to share your true feelings. No more apologising as you said sorry already ( imo acceptance of the apology not your problem) you offered it in good faith. This collection of people was never going to be your Prime Audience as they have all now had to face the ugly truth that bad/corrosive relationship behaviour can have on innocent parties. I would’t seek their forgiveness tbh. You had an unfortunate episode, and had a huge back catalogue of hurt to source material from as your lament. In the nicest possible way, short of a time machine intervention - the moment is out there - the irony of none of them having the capacity to extend you the same forgiveness that you are supposed by doling out by the shovelful to you spouse is pretty chuffing rich in my opinion. Were you on AD’s before his affair - if not I’d be pointinging out to Mr Mending it’s cause and effect : time to face up to the real hurt in it’s glorious technicolour existence, and that you have been experiencing and holding all ‘that’ back, and what’s more you never fucked anybody else whilst dealing with it, EVERY day since you found out and they should be giving you a round of applause and hugs of support, not a frigging hard time. Hypocrital bastards !

Your husband should be writing to his father apologies for his behaviour. He cheated. He lied. He gaslighted you.

All you did was let out what you have been hiding, the pain it caused you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But his dad was focused on the fact that I had gotten into emails, which my husband could sue me for.

No, he couldn't. What damage could he claim to have suffered? A legal claim based on an assertion that "I was unfaithful and gaslighted my wife and she found out" is not exactly going to get a ringing vote of sympathy from the courts.

It sounds like your father in law is classically in the mode of blaming the messenger. If he doesn't respond sensibly to your apology, I'd suggest another message asking whether that means he condones what his son did.

The affair went on for 10 months. It didn't end when I found out. When my husband told me about it - he told me he went on 4 dates but never slept with the person. I had to get to the bottom of things to find the truth.

Then after, I found out it was a year of hotels, trains, fake work trips and nights at her apartment.

The whole process of uncovering new lies is what traumatized me.

It took me 2 months to figure out what I really gone on.

Then a few months after the women contacted me in June 2018 and told me everything. He was plotting to leave me etc,

The whole thing was very traumatic for me.

Kick your DH OUT ?! and tell the InLaws to go fuck themselves showers of self righteousness hypocrites.

You need to stop being a doormat to your H and his family, stand up for yourself!
Your husband should be defending you because he caused this, not joining ranks with his areshole parents.

The FIL is bound to support his son, as they are both tarred with the same unfaithful brush.

Stop apologising for telling the truth. Stop valuing the opinion of a lying cheating FIL and his son.

Can't you see how they are both manipulating you so that you take the blame for your partner's cheating, lying behaviour?

Gather yourself together, calm down, and find your self respect. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in thrall to an unfaithful, lying, manipulative man? Are you prepared to carry the burden of his guilt for him?

Run for the hills and don't look back!

I would take yourself out of the whole fucking family op.
End of.

Wow OP.
How you managed to stay and work at this after all that is totally beyond me.
I'm assuming you have DC together?

Leave your not so DH he sounds like an asshole. His father is no better.

Run from the lot of them.
Like father like son.
Father blaming you for son's behaviour, son just doing what dad did.
Son doesn't have your back.
Father coming out with shite about you looking at emails and trying to scare you.
Son knows this is going on but is distant from you instead of supporting you.
Why would you want to be part of this victim-blaming family?

Stop apologising to these philandering fuckwits, get some self respect and dump your DH and his ghastly family.

It’s clear that if you don’t end it he will.

Sorry have I misread thus?

Our husband had an affair. You got pissed and blurted some stuff out because you were upset.

And YOU feel guilty.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Your contrition now suggests to me that your husband is very much still being abusing and manipulative, not the behaviour of a man who is on his last chance with his wife and mother of his children.

They could all go to hell for all I cared if I was you OP.

TBH regardless of the rights or wrongs this situation sounds toxic for everyone. just leave and focus on moving on. Focussing on “having the last word” or being forgiven etc is really not the priority - your own mental health is.

Families never want to hear that a loved one is a shit. Too bad, so sad.

They had to put up with you telling them about it, once, but you had to put up with living through it. As for your DH talking about the final straw, tell him to get a grip and look at things in perspective. He's not the victim here.

Of course the dad has fallen out with you - he clearly thinks having affairs is justified and you're out of order for thinking otherwise. When in fact HE was out of order for his affair and husband was out of order for his affair, too. Perhaps it was a big reality check for him seeing you that way - THIS is what happens when you have affairs. THIS is how much hurt you cause. THIS is probably also what your wife went through while you were balls deep in another woman. And now his son has done it to you.

Stop apologising, you've apologised enough. More than enough.

Perhaps more appropriately FIL should apologise to you as it turns out the apple doesn't fall from the tree. And DH ought to be giving you as much time as needed, and accepting any outbursts you have in you. It's the least he can do after what he did.

Your pain is real and just beneath the surface. Drinking and letting it spill out like that was unfortunate, but probably only a matter of time.

Your last post is one of the saddest things I've read on here for a while.

Why do you feel like you need this man? He does not love or respect you. He wants/planned to leave you. He's reduced you to a mental breakdown.

You don't have to be with him!! You are a person in your own right and you deserve so much better than this.

He is still gaslighting you. Behave like the perfect little wife or I will leave you.

You have apologised to these people. That is more than enough. Just stop now. They sound awful. You were treated very badly by your husband and it sounds like they condone his behaviour. If they loved you they would totally understand why you had a melt down. But they didn’t and they don’t.

Hopefully your counsellor will make you see this situation for what is really it.

"My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behaviour is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it. "

I wouldn't apologised.

his affair should have been the final straw for you. His dad should tell him he was in the wrong to have an affair, rather than blame you. He should realise how deeply he has hurt you, and apologise and beg you to keep him.

Maybe the drink/tablets wasn't the right combination, but maybe it's better you did announce how you really felt, and how crappy he behaved.

What are you apologising for?

• the fact you had a mental breakdown (caused by DH)
• telling the truth about DH's affair?

Neither requires an apology from you. Either would require an apology from your DH.

So the Father backed his son. Where is the Mother of your OH in all this?

Like father, like son. You are the wronged party, good for you for having a rant and telling the truth. They sound like a bunch of wankers!

I can't think of one relationship I have ever known of that has survived an affair.

The trust never returns, the humiliation is always there.

A one night stand or a drunken snog, maybe forgivable ...an affair..nope, better to end it.

I don't mean to dig up old wounds, but seriously OP, the affair sounds HORRIFFIC and the entire family (including his) attitude about Christmas sounds awful. Why are you the one being the bigger person here and begging him to stay with you? He and is father are obviously cut from the same cloth, why waste your life bending yourself to them?!

OP now his whole family is gaslighting you

What did you actually do wrong - tell the truth?