Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

Setting aside your FIL and his gf, your H said that your outburst was “the last straw” and joined in with having a go at you?

And you’re questioning yourself and apologising, rather than telling him to fuck off?

He must’ve done a number on you. Presumably staying together is contingent on you “swallowing the shit sandwich”.

Really hope your couple’s counsellor isn’t one of those with an agenda of “affairs are due to problems in a relationship”.

If you can afford it, get some counselling on your own. From what you have said, your husband has been, and is still is, manipulating/gaslighting you and this will be affecting your joint counselling sessions.

You really time on your own to process this. I've been through similar, it can be hard to see what is blatently obvious to everyone else.

Do you have a friend or family member supporting you? Remember, you can talk about this to anyone you like. It doesn't have to be kept a secret.

yes, you shoul;d NEVER go to counselling with an abusive partner because they will use it to their advantage and as another way to manipulate you
Get yourself some individual counselling,
In fact I would use this recent experience exactly as a reason to get counselling on your own - he obviously doesnt want you laying the bare bones of this out, and you need to. You need someone who is on your side there.
You need this for you, and with luck, it will build you strong enough to leave this whole toxic mess behind

I am NO expert OP but DH & FIL are not so nice people are they? They cannot believe that you finally let it all out. Probably thinking you were desperate enough to forget all about it and sweep it under the carpet. Now that you have voiced your feelings they have to deal with the situation they thought was buried. Queue in the guilt trip and accusations! How dare you call OH out on his dispicable behaviour! How dare you feel betrayed! How dare you go about finding evidence of him having his cake and eating it ! Just how dare you!
Now they really have to acknowledge it all... but they dont want to. How dare they!
I can’t say leave OH because it’s not my call. You the only one that knows that if you decide to stay and make a go of it if you can forgive and forget, never to bring it up again. OH will also have to gain your trust. The only question is what do you want to do?
Rooting for you no matter the choice you finally make 🌷

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him.

So what else is his problem? You not being grateful his sleazy affair is over?

He and they are simply embarrassed by his behaviour.

His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.
So he should follow in his father's footsteps and leave.

Do yourself a favour and check out of your marriage. You don't have to walk away today....but start making plans for your future.

You deserve better. Never forget you are all that.

Obviously my behavior was out of line.

Why was it out of line? It sounds like you had a breakdown, which is in no way your fault.

Your mental health is being seriously impacted by these people. You need to have some time away from them to think through things clearly.

I can't understand why you feel obliged to keep other people's dirty secrets. You don't owe them anything.

Cut contact with them all including your husband they are all twats.

Do you really, in your heart of hearts think you can get over the affair and be happy with each other again?

Because that’s the real issue here. And only you know the answer.

Their family system is protecting itself and as the newcomer you are being scapegoated

Glad you will have a chance to talk this through tomorrow with someone

They should be falling over themselves to comfort you and apologise to you. Instead they are closing ranks & semi bullying you.

Everyone was angry with me and telling me off. Not one person in the house asked if I was OK
Well of course they won't!
Acknowledging how much you've been hurt or done wrong means they would have to acknowledge that having an affair and cheating on your partner is bad.......and why the fuck would fil and his gf admit that seeing as they're guilty of doing the same?

I think you're a fool for still staying with your dh.
You come across as begging for him to stay with you and almost begging his family to care about you.

How about dumping the lying, cheating ratbag and his fucked up family?

That’s a bit harsh, calling OP a fool when she is feeling tender.

Your ‘happiness’ before Christmas was an illusion that you have manufactured to help you cope with the reality of your relationship. Your breakdown was because that illusion slipped away and you let your real feelings of pain and humiliation show. I think the illusion slipped when it did because you realised, at some level, your husband’s family do not like or respect you and the pretence was impossible to maintain.
I hope you have a meaningful session tomorrow but I think you might gain more from individual sessions rather than couples therapy.

His Dad was hung up about you ‘getting into his emails’ which ‘he could sue you for?’

Oh please. This is textbook defensiveness. And pretty low and mean. Don’t apologize anymore! I get that you blurted it all out. Perhaps not the best thing. However you are the victim here, you are still trying to patch it up, and you are in pain.

Being cheated on is devastating. It’s a very serious betrayal of trust.

That his Dad and your DH thought they could take the high ground is horrible. Really horrible.

My Ex also did quite a bit of ‘how dare you have looked at the phone bill... ‘ ... well thank goodness we did! You OP, me and others would be thinking we were crazy. Now we know.

I’d have a word with your DH and say you are doing HIM a great favour by giving him another chance. If he doesn’t start pulling his finger out you will separate. Mean it. I forgave my EX, he groveled, but a few months later he was complaining that he ‘could never go out on his own without feeling bad’. Well tough! He caused this all. So did yours.

As I was reading through this thread I was beginning to wonder if the OP hadn’t awoke to an insane asylum. I can’t mentally put myself in a situation where the OP was at fault in any way.

What your hubby did was deceitful and cruel. And for most, grounds to leave and never look back. And when you had the ‘audacity’ to express your feelings of pain and hurt (with a little bit of Dutch courage) you are treated in, quite frankly, a disagraceful fashion.

Hell NO, don’t utter a single word of apology. You didn’t do anything wrong. Him and his insane family are responsible. I have to echo the sentiments of other posters. Leave and don’t look back. He’s not loving. He’s vile. You deserve much better than this. Just stunned. Truly.

You're not out of line at all. What is out of line is the number of times cheating dick heads get away with behavior like this, and are supported in it by family members. Cheating is despicable, no matter who does it. If his family are more concerned with his feelings in this matter, you are better off without them. Maybe it needs pointing out to them how badly he behaved, that you shouldn't have to protect his reputation by staying quiet, and anyone who priorities his feelings over yours (the betrayed) has got serious issues with their own moral compass/sense of decency.
I've experienced this too OP, and I have lost a lot of respect for IL as a consequence. They should be supporting you and acknowledging that dh was in the wrong, rather than giving you the cold shoulder!

Thats shit. Youve been holding onto resentment and they cant face the truth. Yr fil is a hypocrite. He doesnt want to face up to the damage an affair can cause by seeing his dil upset. Dont apologise OP. Yr dh should be on his knees being sorry for all the hurt hes caused you.

I dont think he loves you or respects you, and his family sound vile.
LTB

It’s not you, it’s them.

I’m sorry, but he doesn’t ‘really love you’, if he did, he would have supported your right to be hurt and vent. He would have stood up for you.

HE had the affair but this is ‘the last straw’?

He’s still doing a number on you.

Your MH would be much better if you left him.

If you are going into a joint counseling session tomorrow (today) please go in remembering that pages of posters think that you are being blindsided by a misplaced obligation to apologise for saying what is actually on your mind. Do NOT apologise any more. You are NOT in a good place. Your relationship is NOT getting back on track. You are being blamed for having a completely normal response to betrayal and trauma. Okay, the alcohol turned on the tap, but surely you see that you are being cornered into the role of meekly accepting your DH and family’s coercion to play ‘the good wife’? Honestly, op, these are not good people. Free yourself, and forgive yourself: you are allowed to express your hurt and anger. You don’t have to cut up his suits or throw his belongings out on the lawn, but you are entitled to your feelings. Do not be bullied into this role whereby you are apologising for being the wronged party.

Op, you were surrounded people who cheating is a way of life for and there was no way whatsoever they were going Do anything expect attack you after your upset.

You have no need to feel bad about what happened. In fact what you need to be doing is rising above the lot of them and saying eat my dust.

Christ op. Sorry to be harsh - but you need to grow a back bone and get some self respect. It should be the last straw for you not for him.

Move on with your life and get rid of the bunch of assholes that are constantly walking all over you.

@mendingheart I can relate to a lot of what you've said and been through, the wine is not my friend and I've also had outbursts like this - but only at my H. I'm also hiding the nasty details, the nightmares like you've described have also haunted me. I recently had a one-to-one assessment counselling session and was advised of the likelihood of it being PTSD and up until then I'd not even give it much thought. But yes.. I see that now. You should in no way feel ashamed for your outburst, those who decided to lash out at you when you were in such a state are knocking you when your down and that's a hell of a nasty thing to do - steer clear of them at all costs and certainly do not continue to apologise! Sadly I don't have the answers of if and how you moved forward as I'm also stuck in this hell hole. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. 🤗

Jesus Christ, OP, the whole situation is just horrible! Please leave him yesterday for the sake of your own mental health. This is no way to live, on ADs and constantly having nightmares due to your disgusting H's behaviour. You need therapy on your own, not with him! You have to focus on yourself and yourself alone, on your own well-being. Why do you think so little of yourself? Who the fuck cares about his horrible family, they shouldn't be your priority.
You have issues with extremely low self esteem, and until you address it full on, your life will be miserable. You deserve so much better, you just need to realize it and that's where therapy comes in. Please see him for the phatethic idiot that he is and take control of your own life. You really don't need him.

thanks for all the comments. A few hours now until we talk to the therapist.

I have gone from hating myself to actually being angry.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement.