Episode over Christmas about husbands affair

[mendingheart]

I recently wrote a post about getting over my husband's affair and getting over it.

Things had been going amazingly well as I received some very good advice about coping with things. I left for the holidays at my husbands fathers in such a good place. (Actually he left his wife after an affair so the environment feels slightly stressful to begin with).

Things had been going amazing on the trip. However, after a big day of drinking with the family, I took my anti-depressant and sort of blacked out. The night ended with me giving a big rant about my husband's affair recounting all the horrible details from gas lighting to the endless amount of lies he put me through and how I never deserved all this treatment. They never knew any of the details about what my husband put me through so everything came as a big shock.

I woke up the next morning completely mortified and couldn't remember anything. I woke up and immediately apologized to everyone individually, and was so remorseful. They weren't exactly accepting of my apology and everyone kind of yelled at me the next day. They think I am crazy. My apology didn't seem to be accepted and I was ignored by my husbands father, girlfriend and husband for the last day of the trip. I sent a thank you text for having me yet no-one responded. Yet all the while they have been texting my husband every day since we arrived back. I guess I am being ignored?

My husband said that this may also be the final straw for him. His dad has told him my behavior is completely unacceptable and he shouldn't tolerate it.

I have known them for almost a decade and they have never had anything bad to say about me - they truly loved me. Now I am worried I have damaged the relationship forever and that they hate me and never will forgive me. I really didn't mean anything that I said. I have just been through so much and it is there somewhere in my brain.

I have since stopped drinking and don't think I will return to it.

I am thinking of writing my husbands father an email to again apologize for my behavior.

Any other tips on how I can smooth things over? Will they ever forgive me?

Any advice is really welcome.

Well done OP.
Find that anger.
Use it.
Stop letting people treat you like shit.
Time to tell the therapist exactly what is going on here.

What you did wasn't brilliant, but it was not awful, and it was certainly not worth beating yourself up over. Not for a second.

Your husband deceived you and betrayed you and left you to find things out over months. That's awful. And then he couldn't even bring himself to defend and support you when it all came crashing down on you at his father's house? That's despicable of him.

You deserve to be loved and cherished and adored. He needs to apologise to you, and set things straight with his family, and to support you from here on in.

I hope you make progress in counselling today. And that you are feeling better about yourself. You're a strong woman, and brave.

be angry! it's absolutely critical that you allow yourself to feel all the emotions you have over this, you can't recover or move on without that process.

You H doesn't HAVE a last straw to call. he is the one that broke this. HOW DARE he threaten you .

One thing you do need to understand is just how much that sorry shower of arseholes has invested in the idea that 'affairs are ok' if they faced up to the truth for a nanosecond, their entire wankery lives would fall crashing about their ears. they MUST crush all those who shine a light on their shitty behaviour. if you can get your head around this, you will see what they are capable of in terms of protecting their own fake images of themselves.

for me another couple of thoughts that would loop in my head would be:
'if you lie down with dogs, you are gonna get fleas' and
'you can judge a person by the company they keep.

in short, THEY are not the sort of people that good folk should associate with. THEY are not good enough for YOU.

OP, he is looking for an excuse to end the marriage and blame YOU for it. He has already planned to leave and be with OW, but this way he gets to make it your fault so he feels better and saves face with his family.

Are you/he from a culture where women are expected to be subservient?

I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but you need to accept your marriage is broken (by him) and there is no fixing it that you can do. Believe you are worth better than this treatment, get your counsellor to help you with building your self esteem, and for God's sake leave your husband. It's a scary step, but the first one towards rebuilding a new and better life for yourself.

Thanks all. I have my notes for the conversation.

• I recognize that my behavior was completely out of line. I was extremely devestated with myself and accept full responsibility for my negligence to control my drinking and words. I took responsibility and wrote and spoke apologies to all parties involved and took blame for my actions. I repent and asked for forgiveness from everyone. That ask was not met with any forgiveness or compassion.
• At the same time, not a single person asked about my mental health the next day and whether I was OK. It was obvious I wasn't OK, but noone really cared.
• I was ignored and treated like an outcast the rest of the trip and told this was the last straw.
• I apologized again via text and thanked them for having me. Not a response from anyone. Yet, at the same time, they were texting you non stop - further to make me feel like an outsider and excluded.
• It's pretty clear too me that no-one in this situation really cares about me. If any of you cared about me - somebody would have shown me any kind of empathy or support. Again, I was standing alone.
• I am really not sure I want to surround myself with people who don't care about me.
• Whilst my actions I don't remember, these are all actions each of you are taking whilst completely sober.
• I have no desire to put myself in this kind of environment.
• I have forgiven you and shown you love, and taken every step I can to get over this.
• At the same time, you allowed your GF to bully me online (which you knew about) and now you are letting your family do the same thing

It seems pretty clear that you have no desire in making me feel loved, accepted and wanted in the relationship - and that the only way forward is for me to be quiet - or else you will leave.

And then I may ask what he has to say about my recount of the experience.

I’d go on the family group and send a message to say I’ve apologised for what I did but you all have been awful. You’ve shown no caring or compassion for me, you no longer exist for me please don’t contact me again.”
Fuck them and fuck him.
He actually did something wrong and the fall out is due to him. He needs to deal with it and stop holding it over your head and you need to stop allowing it.

Stop being a doormat- seriously stop.
Your last post is far too whiny and self pitying.
You are never going to get what you want which is an acknowledgement of their shittiness.
Your husband is not doing what needs to be done to repair your relationship and his family are enabling his poor behaviour.

All you need to say is.

I am not apologising anymore. My out burst was the result of the stress and shock you have caused with your affair and behaviour.
It is quite clear you are not prepared to repair our relationship and expect me to just forget and move on.

I cannot do that unless you show true remorse and stick up for me with your family.
Do this or leave

I think your dh either wants to push you into dumping him or if you do t he's going to make a mountain out of a molehill and dump you for your supposedly poor behaviour.

I hope your session goes ok op. I have a feeling your DH is going to have a tough time

OP, please throw those notes away and start to think the way it’s been suggested by 7yo and Iamno.

this is more than sufficient;
"I am not apologising anymore. My out burst was the result of the anti depressants I take because of you, the stress and shock you have caused with your affair and behaviour.
It is quite clear you are not prepared to repair our relationship and expect me to just forget and move on.

Its time for you to leave, I am not having anymore of your bollocks

& your entire family can fuck off

I hate to boot you when you're down op but seriously, where is your self respect? You're letting people walk all over you. It seems like you're grateful to your H that he stayed rather than angry that he had an affair. Is he even sorry?

I recognize that my behavior was completely out of line.

What behaviour was out of line? Do you mean daring to have feelings and to have been hurt by DH's actions? Do you mean telling the truth?

Or did you do something else that you haven't mentioned on here that you feel awful about? Because what you've typed on here doesn't require an apology from you.

And then I may ask what he has to say about my recount of the experience.

I would finish by asking him to acknowledge that every word you said that night was true.

I am not apologising anymore. My out burst was the result of the anti depressants I take because of you, the stress and shock you have caused with your affair and behaviour.

It is quite clear you are not prepared to repair our relationship and expect me to just forget and move on.

Its time for you to leave, I am not having anymore of your bollocks

Plus, "Did I actually say anything that was untrue? Did you indeed lie, cheat, treat me like shit and allow me to feel dreadful for months? And if it's all true, and it's all about your actions, why the fuck an I apologising?"

FSS! Stop apologising for completely understandable behaviour that you’ve driven to by your picece of shit husband! Him and his whole family have done a total number on you.
This is NOT your fault, they’re treating you they way they are to make them feel better for being guilty of the same actions in their own lives as your husbands! If they sympathise with you that means they have to accept their own guilt and and wrong doing, it’s far easier to ostracise and blame you in order to save themselves from guilt and shame same goes for your H (I won’t call him dear).
Give your self a shake and wake up to what’s actually being done to you, you’re the victim here but you don’t have to be anymore. Stand up for yourself and don’t not apologise! Infact retract your earlier apologies and tell them you’d rather shit in your hands and clap than have anything further to do with them.

Do not, not don’t not! Sorry typing furiously 🤦🏻‍♀️

100% what mix said -

*"I am not apologising anymore. My out burst was the result of the anti depressants I take because of you, the stress and shock you have caused with your affair and behaviour.
It is quite clear you are not prepared to repair our relationship and expect me to just forget and move on.

Its time for you to leave, I am not having anymore of your bollocks & your entire family can fuck off*

I'm just surprised you didn't broadcast his shitty behaviour non-stop to everyone you know 😂 Works a treat for relieving stress.

Hope you’re ok after the counselling session.

There’s a huge point being missed here.

OP loves her husband and does not want to leave him.

Smallhorse

Oh okay then, I hadn’t realised. She should therefore allow him and his family to keep shitting all over.

Sometimes we love things that are bad for us and we have to give them up

But his dad was focused on the fact that I had gotten into emails, which my husband could sue me for.

This bullshit. Has even the pettiest person ever gone and sued a spouse for looking at their emails?

The cheater is angry for you for being hurt at his cheating, and the cheater's father who is also a cheater is angry because you've also reminded him (and his gf) that cheating causes pain to those cheated on and they don't care to think about that.

Don't apologize. Return the cold treatment. They deserve it, not you.